In the inevitable swirl of thinkpieces and chattering about this trenchantly benign Ashes series, one question remains woefully unaddressed, and it goes to the very heart of our national identity: when did Australian cricketers become so cuddly?
Steve Waugh, best known for providing backing vocals on John Williamson’s seminal national ballad Baggy Green, was almost as famous for the pioneering technique of mental disintegration – or ‘enhanced cricketing techniques – employed during his little-remembered stint as Australia’s Test captain.
The template established during his tenure was later applied with great success by Australian sides under the leadership of Ricky Ponting and Michael Clarke as well as by the United States military at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp. How shameful, then, that this now internationally recognised best practice model for dealing with enemy combatants has been abandoned by the current wearers of the feted felt.
Sure, Nathan Lyon promised to end careers. David Warner called Graeme Swann a waste of money. Steve Smith laughed a lot more than anything said by Cameron Bancroft could possibly warrant. The presentation stage had one hand with four fingers and another in a despondent fist. So much banter. So many laughs. Yet somehow it seems unfulfilling, insufficient and, dare I say it, merciful.
There were exceptions of course. High marks for creativity go to whichever bearded child in a t-shirt, jeans and timberlands produced ‘Beat England’ as the summer’s raison d’etre. While it is a concept with many layers, the best is that when written in lower case (#beatengland) it can be read as ‘beaten gland’, which probably goes a long way to explaining the relevant marketeer’s creative process.
(AAP Image/Darren England)
Next time you see the big ad with the dramatic music and Malcolm Turnbull, Usain Bolt (?) and HRH Young Smithy all looking down the barrel of the camera, teeth gritted to various extents, sternly uttering the new national slogan, I urge you to reimagine it with them all saying ‘Beaten Gland’ instead. You will not regret this.
Sadly this piece of unappreciated genius remains almost completely alone in a sea of predictable blather and schoolyard chest beating. If Australia is to truly assert its dominance over the hashtag old enemy, they will need to go beyond this sort of hackneyed and half-baked pantomime act and do something that will truly rattle a few gilded cages.
I have provided a couple of ideas in the hope that they will trigger a much needed national conversation.
Targeting the captain
Back in the good old days of Australian cricket, when the highlight of any cricket season was the annual dissertation on the difference between the ‘Nerd’ and ‘Julio’ factions of the Test team on Allan Border Medal night, Australian sides gained notoriety for ‘targeting’ or ‘going after’ opposing captains.
Quite what that meant, beyond trying to get them out, was never clear. But they talked about it a lot.
This summer Joe Root was given such a free ride by the Australian players, fans and media that it was left to our old friend anthropomorphic climate change to step in on the last day of the series and bring the nice young man to his knees with one of those 50-degree days certain fossil fuel-hating basket weaver types are always warning us about.
Why we all thought a few cracks about Ellen DeGeneres would do the job I will never know. For one thing she is married to an Australian.
(Ryan Pierse/Getty Images)
WaterBroading
Consider this: in 25 days of cricket across five cities not a single Australia player, staff member or fan attempted to waterboard Stuart Broad. To talk about inflicting trauma and ending careers without then tying your greatest national foe down and pouring water on him to simulate the sensation of drowning seems, frankly, half-hearted. Does nobody remember Trent Bridge?
More bouncers
If the 2005 Ashes series taught us only one thing (and it did), it was that swing bowling is basically cheating. So to see Australia’s bowlers on their own soil running in and pitching fuller than ‘just short of a length’, sometimes up to two or three times a session, brought a sense of national shame not felt since the underarm debacle.
The next Ashes series that counts is four years away, and in that time we need to effect deep and profound cultural change.
Punching
Like in the footy.
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