What would rugby hell really look like?

Harry Jones Roar Guru

By Harry Jones, Harry Jones is a Roar Guru


75 Have your say

    Israel Folau is free to have his definition of eternal misery. But what would rugby hell look like?

    Here are my pictures of hell on the rugby pitch, and in the coaches’ and commentary box.

    1. Allister ‘Kootchie Koo’ Coetzee in Albany talking about positives in the wake of the worst loss in Springhok history.

    2. RAF Lt bomber pilot Bernard Foley loading up his siege gun boot to pop a seven metre clearance kick, and protesting the touch ref’s vector.

    3. A 29 minute mudball-in-play, 50+ garryowen, no-try, knock-on-a-looza snoozefest from the 1980s.

    4. Halftime interviews with breathless backline players panting about ‘playing in the right areas’ and ‘taking our chances.’

    5. Raymond Rhule going to ground five seconds and ten metres before his opponent reaches the tackle zone, and his befuddled reaction.

    6. Rieko Ioane with the ball, in space.

    7. A Stormers lineout throw at 79:00, with the game in the balance.

    8. Israel Folau’s effete cover tackles; slow jogging to perdition.

    9. Ruan Dreyer (when wearing green and gold) imitating a plank pancake taking a nap.

    10. Aussie commentators analysing why an Aussie team is losing to a Kiwi side.

    11. Pedantic scrumhalves, shrilly directing forwards, slapping arses, windmilling to refs, in perpetual Quigleyesque grievance mode.

    12. Chip kicks that go out on the full.

    13. Grubbers that don’t grub.

    14. Damian de Allende charging down Lima Sopoaga’s missed droppie; with half-hearted forearm to the head.

    15. Offloads that don’t load.

    16. The white-clad skintight English rugby team’s protruding nipples.

    17. Dan Biggar’s and Damian McKenzie’s love child’s kicking routine in 2042.

    18. Being Michael Cheika’s first questioner after a loss.

    19. Eddie Jones after a win.

    20. Referees explaining scrums to props.

    21. Yellow cards for running on a guy’s head you didn’t see.

    22. French Euros’ corrupting influence on all that is good and heavenly.

    23. The enduring mystery of whether Ryan Crotty and Jonny Sexton are actually nice guys.

    24. TMOs who look at each blade of grass, every micro wrinkle of clothing, and slo-motion saliva tracks, only to say: ‘That’s all the looks we have, Nigel.’

    25. Folau asking Nigel Owens to be fair.

    26. The non-word ‘physicality.’ I spell it fizikaliti.

    27. Incessant hand-hair-combing (Michael Hooper) after yet another dominant tackle.

    28. The 2016 and 2017 Springboks.

    29. The town of Brighton.

    30. Lineout predictability; mauls that fail, when it’s harder to botch one than roll one.

    31. Players used as commentators when they can’t talk.

    32. Incessant chatting about a world schedule.

    33. Quotas.

    34. Trying to tackle Ngani Laumape.

    35. Watching any well-kicked ball headed to an area in which Folau is; nobody except Kieran Read has a chance. And Ichiban won’t emigrate to SA.

    36. Focus on possession stats.

    37. Cut-out passes to nobody.

    38. Keeping the ball in the scrum too long; conceding a penalty.

    39. Trying to get two hands on Ben Smith.

    40. BBBBB.

    Getting hassled by a parent or partner about spending too much time playing video games? Now, you can tell them the story of how some ordinary gamers scored $225k for just seven weeks of work.

    Have Your Say

    If not logged in, please enter your name and email before submitting your comment. Please review our comments policy before posting on the Roar.

    Oldest | Newest | Most Recent

    The Crowd Says (75)

    • April 8th 2018 @ 1:42am
      Big Steve said | April 8th 2018 @ 1:42am | ! Report

      australian rugby since 2003.

      • April 8th 2018 @ 1:49am
        Hog said | April 8th 2018 @ 1:49am | ! Report

        A continuation of Super rugby come 2020

    • April 8th 2018 @ 1:54am
      AndyS said | April 8th 2018 @ 1:54am | ! Report

      – Sevens, played only by front rowers
      – Matches to be played on the basis of the honour code
      – Alternatively perhaps, matches played subject to blanket application of all laws exactly and only as written.

      • Roar Guru

        April 8th 2018 @ 7:39pm
        Harry Jones said | April 8th 2018 @ 7:39pm | ! Report

        The second one is intriguing…

    • April 8th 2018 @ 2:22am
      ScottD said | April 8th 2018 @ 2:22am | ! Report

      The future of Australian rugby as a national sport subjected to the “vision” of Cameron Clyne

    • April 8th 2018 @ 3:18am
      cuw said | April 8th 2018 @ 3:18am | ! Report

      how about Nigel Owens on one of his bad days? ” the player was attempting to catch the ball with one hand , but knocked it out in the process” ( say that with Welsh accent :P)

      • Roar Guru

        April 8th 2018 @ 7:44pm
        Harry Jones said | April 8th 2018 @ 7:44pm | ! Report

        Even on a bad day, he’s entertaining

    • April 8th 2018 @ 4:14am
      John said | April 8th 2018 @ 4:14am | ! Report

      Eavesdropping on the conversation between Folau and Mark Bingham, when Mark greets Izzy at the Pearly Gates.

    • Roar Guru

      April 8th 2018 @ 6:05am
      Corne Van Vuuren said | April 8th 2018 @ 6:05am | ! Report

      Jaco Peyper refereeing the RWC final

      • April 8th 2018 @ 6:13pm
        cuw said | April 8th 2018 @ 6:13pm | ! Report

        ATM – its Jaco Peyper refereeing , DUH !!!

      • Roar Guru

        April 8th 2018 @ 7:45pm
        Harry Jones said | April 8th 2018 @ 7:45pm | ! Report

        My referee Hell would be Ben O’Keeffe

        • April 9th 2018 @ 10:21am
          Carlos the Argie said | April 9th 2018 @ 10:21am | ! Report

          Not Berry?

          • April 9th 2018 @ 5:23pm
            cuw said | April 9th 2018 @ 5:23pm | ! Report

            the analysis u and harry did made sure he was chuked from the panel.

            it is very clear these articles are read by those in the game also.

            look at Raymond – he has improved beyond belief 🙂

            • April 10th 2018 @ 2:21am
              Carlos The Argie said | April 10th 2018 @ 2:21am | ! Report

              That is very kind of you and hopefully true.

              • Roar Guru

                April 10th 2018 @ 4:01am
                Harry Jones said | April 10th 2018 @ 4:01am | ! Report

                I know the Rhule one was! I got some bad feedback from Fleckie! Hahaahah

              • April 10th 2018 @ 2:43pm
                cuw said | April 10th 2018 @ 2:43pm | ! Report

                RR wont rest until u do a ” GOOD ” article on him and his defense 🙂

        • April 9th 2018 @ 10:22am
          Carlos the Argie said | April 9th 2018 @ 10:22am | ! Report

          Izzy doesn’t approve this comment.

        • April 10th 2018 @ 2:49pm
          cuw said | April 10th 2018 @ 2:49pm | ! Report

          @ Harry Jones

          am wondering after IF comment – how will Nigel Owens ref an aussy match? 🙂

          ” i will show u what hell is like lad – off you go ” 😛