The Roar
The Roar


What would rugby hell really look like?

Israel Folau has to choose between rugby and league - what if he didn't? (AAP Image/Dave Hunt)
Roar Guru
7th April, 2018
1180 Reads

Israel Folau is free to have his definition of eternal misery. But what would rugby hell look like?

Here are my pictures of hell on the rugby pitch, and in the coaches’ and commentary box.

1. Allister ‘Kootchie Koo’ Coetzee in Albany talking about positives in the wake of the worst loss in Springhok history.

2. RAF Lt bomber pilot Bernard Foley loading up his siege gun boot to pop a seven metre clearance kick, and protesting the touch ref’s vector.

3. A 29 minute mudball-in-play, 50+ garryowen, no-try, knock-on-a-looza snoozefest from the 1980s.

4. Halftime interviews with breathless backline players panting about ‘playing in the right areas’ and ‘taking our chances.’

5. Raymond Rhule going to ground five seconds and ten metres before his opponent reaches the tackle zone, and his befuddled reaction.

6. Rieko Ioane with the ball, in space.

7. A Stormers lineout throw at 79:00, with the game in the balance.


8. Israel Folau’s effete cover tackles; slow jogging to perdition.

9. Ruan Dreyer (when wearing green and gold) imitating a plank pancake taking a nap.

10. Aussie commentators analysing why an Aussie team is losing to a Kiwi side.

11. Pedantic scrumhalves, shrilly directing forwards, slapping arses, windmilling to refs, in perpetual Quigleyesque grievance mode.

12. Chip kicks that go out on the full.

13. Grubbers that don’t grub.

14. Damian de Allende charging down Lima Sopoaga’s missed droppie; with half-hearted forearm to the head.

15. Offloads that don’t load.


16. The white-clad skintight English rugby team’s protruding nipples.

17. Dan Biggar’s and Damian McKenzie’s love child’s kicking routine in 2042.

18. Being Michael Cheika’s first questioner after a loss.

19. Eddie Jones after a win.

20. Referees explaining scrums to props.

21. Yellow cards for running on a guy’s head you didn’t see.

22. French Euros’ corrupting influence on all that is good and heavenly.

23. The enduring mystery of whether Ryan Crotty and Jonny Sexton are actually nice guys.


24. TMOs who look at each blade of grass, every micro wrinkle of clothing, and slo-motion saliva tracks, only to say: ‘That’s all the looks we have, Nigel.’

25. Folau asking Nigel Owens to be fair.

26. The non-word ‘physicality.’ I spell it fizikaliti.

27. Incessant hand-hair-combing (Michael Hooper) after yet another dominant tackle.

28. The 2016 and 2017 Springboks.

29. The town of Brighton.

30. Lineout predictability; mauls that fail, when it’s harder to botch one than roll one.

31. Players used as commentators when they can’t talk.


32. Incessant chatting about a world schedule.

33. Quotas.

34. Trying to tackle Ngani Laumape.

35. Watching any well-kicked ball headed to an area in which Folau is; nobody except Kieran Read has a chance. And Ichiban won’t emigrate to SA.

36. Focus on possession stats.

37. Cut-out passes to nobody.

38. Keeping the ball in the scrum too long; conceding a penalty.

39. Trying to get two hands on Ben Smith.


40. BBBBB.