Like a well-used bookmark, these days I use my memories of Test cricket to place exactly where I was at a given time.
In my early 20s, I lived in Orange, the citrusy jewel in Central Western NSW’s crown – I can tell you the year because I remember clearly watching the 2013 Ashes in England.
Or, more accurately, I clearly remember getting home from the Royal Hotel in the small hours to fall asleep watching the second and third sessions.
On one particular cold winter evening that year, my best friend Stephen and I called it a night at the pub and returned to his house, kebab in hand, to watch the action. It was an evening that would change the way I watched cricket forever.
As we watched Stuart Broad turn in one of his customary match-winning spells against the Aussies, Steve turned his head to look at me.
“Watson the other channel?” he asked, grin widening, “I’ve Haddinough”.
(Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images)
It must have been the fourth Test – the only time the two batted together that series according to scorecards. “I won’t Warner ‘gain. Quit Lyon.”
The naming pun reached its competitive peak the following year with the exciting arrival of Josh Hazlewood, whose name bears an obvious similarity to the key ingredient of a popular European chocolate spread.
From this moment on, we have regularly and without warning tried to outdo each other on the most obscure food-related plays on the names of cricketers. The group taking part has expanded, but entry is closely guarded.
I suspect this kind of game is tedious to all but the most Macbethian of cricket tragics – but it is a hard habit to break and if you play with your mates, it adds a much-needed competitive edge to any one sided series or dull passage of play.
Perhaps the seed was planted by Shehan Karunatilaka’s 2010 novel, Chinaman: The Legend of Pradeep Mathew. In it, a group of friends play a game in which they attempt to form the longest string of Pakistani cricketer’s names where the last name of one is the first name of another – i.e., Saqlain Mushtaq Mohammad Wasim Akram Raza. The book is truly one of the best books I have ever read, cricket-related or otherwise.
Some are irresistible: Stuart Broadbean; Ian Bell Pepper (too American?); Joe Root Vegetable; Tim Champaine; Ajaz Pate.
Some require a little stretch of the imagination: David Pie-Warmer; Mitchell Starch; Vernon Phishphinger; Alex Fairy-Bread; Virender Seaweed; Mahela Jug-of-Watery-Tea.
Spare a thought for Sir Alastair Cook, who is forced to sit out on a technicality (unless you’ve got one for Alastair).
The game stimulates robust discussion. What’s better – Joe Root Veg or Joe Beetroot? Is Marnus Labuchampagne, Lambshank or Labusagne? Travis Bread is a good solid choice for the beginner, but I think the more exotic the food the better the entry.
Headcheese, a frightful terrine made from the boiled head of a beast set in jelly, gets my vote. And which cruciferous vegetable best represents the defining batsman of the modern era – Virat Cauli or Virat Brockohli?
(Robert Cianflone/Getty Images)
If your brain is so-wired, the game becomes embedded, a normal part of watching cricket. It will stay with you far longer than any player’s career, creating a symbolic handing over of the best nicknames, similarly to the handing down of the Australian team song.
Ryan Haggis, the fine bowler from the same era the game began, passes his offaly mantle onto current opener, Marcus.
I’m already planning for the next generation, too, and have been enjoying watching Tanvir ‘Salad’ Sangha during the BBL.
I present to you my current best XI for each team. I consider it a job well done. What are yours?
Australia XI (coached by Justin Sanger)
David Pie-Warmer, Marcus Haggis, Marnus Lambshank, Steve Smith’s Crisps, Travis Headcheese, Cameron Greenbean, Alex Cakey, Mitchell Starch, Pat Cumin, Nathan Lime and Josh Hazelnut Praline.
England XI (coached by Chris Silverside)
Rory Burnt-Toast, Zak Crawfish, Dawid Melange, Joe Root Vegetable, Ben Steaks, Ollie Papaw, Jonny Beefstew, Jos Butter, Mark Woodfired Pizza, Stuart Broadbean and Jack Lychee.
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