Satire
If rugby league is about anything at all (and there’s every chance it isn’t), it’s about education.
There would be no point to an NRL season if we didn’t learn from it.
Here are the key lessons to take out of the extravaganza that was NRL 2022.
1. There is no rule change that can’t be improved by adding another rule change on top of it. Not every change to the rules of the game works perfectly straight away, but 2022 has shown that as long as you keep piling new ones on top, eventually rules end up flawless.
2. Staffing the bunker with people who have only previously read about rugby league in books is the best way to avoid unacceptable bias. Many observers have fretted over the years that allowing people with long experience of playing or even watching rugby league to make decisions regarding on-field events would lead to those decisions being skewed by the inevitable prejudices that come with understanding the game.
The NRL has been vindicated in its move to avoid this by making sure nobody who pulls a bunker shift has never seen a game of rugby league before: their decisions are therefore made from a purely theoretical standpoint and can be considered utterly unbiased in any way.
Nelson Asofa-Solomona. (Photo by Daniel Pockett/Getty Images)
3. Fines work. The NRL this year made the commonsense decision to substitute fines for suspensions in many cases, understanding what thinkers from Bill Clinton to Oliver Twist have known: money matters. The threat of swinging blows to the hip pocket loomed large in players’ minds and foul play was practically eradicated.
4. The whistle is only a rough guide. For over a century it has been believed that the final whistle indicates the end of a game, but when the Tigers played the Cowboys we were thankfully disabused of this notion. Just as at school we learnt that the bell doesn’t dismiss you, the teacher dismisses you, this game illustrated a core principle of rugby league that we’d somehow missed: only the referee can end a game, and if he blows his whistle to end the game, that doesn’t mean the game is over, that just means that the proposal to end the game is on the table and can now be debated by one or both teams.
Only after hearing arguments from all sides following the final whistle shall the referee make his decision as to whether the game is over or not, and I think we can all agree that understanding this precept has enriched the footy experience for us all.
(Photo by Ian Hitchcock/Getty Images)
5. Preventing serious head injuries is definitely within the top 50 or 60 priorities for the NRL. Concussion is a serious issue, and by cracking down hard on one in every 35 dangerous tackles, the administration has demonstrated its powerful commitment to dealing with it. Much like Random Breath Testing, Random High Tackle Testing (RHHT) is much more effective than simply penalising every high tackle, because it keeps players constantly on edge as to whether this time will be the time they get caught.
Combined with the looming threat of a fine of up to half a percent of their annual income (see above), this has practically eliminated the risk of serious head trauma in the game.
6. The captain’s challenge has finally made rugby league worth watching. Looking back it’s difficult to see how any of us managed to sit through a game of league without the delicious thrill of knowing that at any moment one team’s captain might demand a decision be reviewed following which the referee may or may not allow the decision to be reviewed following which someone in a room somewhere who may or may not know the rules may or may not assess the situation in a way that makes any sense whatsoever. Frankly, without the captain’s challenge the whole game would be utterly pointless.
7. Every cover tackle, no matter who it’s made by or who it’s made on, regardless of the match situation or the difficulty of the tackle’s execution, will from now on be referred to as “Sattler-esque”. Hey, I don’t make the rules: more important men than I have decreed that what made Scott Sattler’s tackle in the 2003 Grand Final special was not that it was a desperate chase-down of a winger by a lock; not that it was completely unexpected that Sattler had the pace to catch Byrnes; not that he had to run a great distance to make the tackle; not that the game hung in the balance and if he had failed to make the tackle his team may very well have gone on to lose the game. Actually what made that tackle special was that someone made a break and then someone ran a bit and tackled him. Every time this happens it is just as amazing as when Sattler did it.
8. Latrell Mitchell is the best thing ever to happen to rugby league.
9. Latrell Mitchell is the worst thing ever to happen to rugby league.
10. Rugby league clubs have a responsibility to involve themselves in social causes via entirely symbolic gestures. Any downside this might have is more than compensated by the real and lasting social progress that is a direct result of the club’s casual lip service.
11. Rugby league commentators just keep getting better and better with age. Their insights more penetrating, their understanding of the modern game more nuanced, and their ability to articulate complex concepts exponentially more impressive. No commentator should ever retire.
12. The good bloke rule. It is important, before we claim that a player has “broken the rules” or “should be suspended” or “smashed another man’s teeth down his throat”, to remember that we are talking about extremely good blokes and should cut them some slack. The only exception is players who don’t want to wear Pride jerseys, who are all extremely bad blokes and probably deserve to have their teeth smashed down their throats.
13. Block plays just get more entertaining every year.
14. Peter V’landys is the most selfless man ever to hold a position in rugby league administration. Never has a man given so much and asked so little in his pursuit of the holy grail of giving the fans what they want (players to serve suspensions in the year following the offence for which they were suspended).
15. The World Cup is on sometime soon?
All the team list information for Round 9.
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