Satire
Cricketers are getting soft! Giving the opposition the thumbs up when they beat us outside the off stump? Bloody hell! Back in my day …
Well, back in my day we played hard-nosed cricket. We barely even spoke to the opposition until the beers were out – and if we did, it was a baker’s dozen expletives and three rhyming slangs that translated to seven more expletives. Because that’s how you play real cricket!
How else do you make sure the enem … I mean, how else do you make sure the opposition knows you’re the better cricketer. The better person. The better man! Have the biggest … Unless you’re a woman, I guess … (Though, who wants to watch … Well, I better watch what I say. I don’t want to say anything that gets me in trouble, or makes me look out of touch.)
The only way you can beat the other team is by making sure they know they’re worthless trash. And you can’t do that by smiling at them, giving them the thumbs up! Talking to them? All friendly-like?
Back in my day you had to make sure they knew you were tougher than they were.
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And can you do that by batting or bowling all day without giving up? Of course not! Can you make sure they know you’re the better team by coming back next match and trying again?
Is that what we want to be teaching our kids? Shaking hands, chatting between overs, cockily congratulating the bowler on a close one outside off? Getting into their heads that, no matter how hard they try, they just keep missing, unable to get me out?
Of course not! That just shows the other team that they’ve won. Those aren’t lessons we should be teaching our kids. Treating one another as we’d like to be treated while giving our all? What sort of lesson is that? And if we’re not teaching our kids the right lessons, they’ll end up growing up to be just like the softies playing today!
The Australians train session at Vidarbha Cricket Association Ground in Nagpur. (Photo by Robert Cianflone/Getty Images)
Standing up for what they think is right, calling out behaviours that are wrong, raising issues they think are important.
That’s why they’ve got numbers and names on the back of their pyjamas! So they know you know which one they are. Right?!
Back in my day you could barely tell one of us from the other – moustache, beard, chest hair, it was all just one big tangle. They way it should be!
Bringing out chairs and extra drinks breaks just because it’s a bit hot?
Back in my day we were lucky to collect enough rainwater to drown a cockroach before we went out for a full 8 … no, 10 hours of cricket! Go in for bad light? Nah, not us. We could feel the ball – didn’t need to be able to see it.
But extra drink breaks? Back in my day, we kept playing until we nearly died of dehydration, because that’s how you knew we were tough.
Carrying our bat through an innings? Surviving a testing bouncer barrage isn’t enough to make the other guys know you are better than they are. Unless you’re puking in between balls, you can’t be sure they know you’re top dog.
And if you don’t know that they know that you’re tougher than they are, well, then it ain’t really cricket, is it.
All of this protective gear, helmets with extra-large grills! Back in my day we walked out there with our bat, some pads, and if we remembered to bring our box it was a good day.
Real cricketers are tough! They take a knock to the head and keep going. It shows the other team you’re tougher than they are! That’s hard-nosed, mongrel cricket!
People say that knocks to the head lead to brain damage, or something silly like that. Not back in my day. Our heads were hard enough. But today …
What was I saying?
Oh yeah! Going home from tour to be with your wife when she’s giving birth?
Toughen up!
Back in my day we didn’t even meet the little tacker until they’d been weaned and bitten through their first teeth. Now, the missus wants you in the delivery room, by her side, giving birth to your kid? Harden up lads.
How else are you going to show your kid that sport means more than they do? It’s better to show ‘em early that they are the second, maybe third most important thing in your life. It’s not family that matters. Cricket is everything. Then beers with the lads – and those mongrel lads from the other dressing room.
Players shake hands after India defeated Australia in Nagpur. (Photo by Robert Cianflone/Getty Images)
That way, when they start abusing your wife while you’re taking guard, you can just ignore them ‘cause who cares what they’re saying. Except if they go too far, then it’s their fault they’ve gone too far and brought your missus into it.
Then everything’s fair game. Even their missus. That’s real cricket!
Back in my day, when I came back from a tour, the kids didn’t even know who I was! That’s how it’s supposed to be! Because cricket is more important than anything!
Sure, they might have cried a bit when I left two days later for state duty – just like the cricketers today, crying when their coach starts yelling at them! Making it hard to think, learn how to play better cricket, be a better person.
How can you be a better person if someone hasn’t screamed at you for 15 minutes telling you how utterly worthless you are? How else are you going to learn if not at 100 decibels? No one can really learn through a good example, hard work, learning in a way that can be properly understood.
No! The only way is through hard work and toughness! Hard-nosed cricket.
It’s how my dad taught me to know what was right and what was wrong, by screaming at me and calling me names and telling me I’m worthless. Same with my coach – ‘cause how else is a coach going to get his team to sharpen up? Harden up?
Because all this talk about traumatic brain injury, suicide, mental health, it’s all nonsense. Back in my day, none of this existed. We just hardened up.
Except for one guy … who went out the back one day with his dad’s rifle … But we all knew that he was soft. So … to be expected, really. Right?
Because how else does the enemy know that you are tougher than they are? Better than they are? More worthwhile than they are?
The International Cricket Council can’t tell you you’re the best team in the world! It’s not like there’s some ranking, based on results and wins and performance.
As if someone else can rank the best batsmen and bowlers in the world just by looking at how many runs they got or wickets.
That’s not how you play real cricket.
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