Ah, the weather. Chief disruptor of cricketing plans and enemy of the state to the United Kingdom. Famously predictable and incontrovertibly unstoppable.
Manchester, it turns out, is no longer the place for raucous Australian celebrations at retaining the urn, but a final resting place for Pat Cummins the Captain, after the English media (and some confusingly vitriolic sections of the Australian media) decided that enough was enough, the best Test bowler in the world must hang up the armband, for he shall never match Ben Stokes’ mighty highs.
No – scratch that. Darren Berry has some insider information from his paid position as ‘Nothing at all to do with the Australian Cricket Team in any respect’ and the Daily Mail has recently hired him as primary source No. 1.
According to them, Cummins will resign from the captaincy after the Ashes series, regardless of whether a win at the Oval results in his leadership tenure having the stains of a World Test Championship Win, a 4-0 home ashes win, and a 3-1 win in England. The media has consulted the three wise witches, and the prophecy stands.
Pat Cummins. (Photo by Alex Davidson/Getty Images)
It is a beguiling tactic from sections of the English media and opponents of the Cummins era, to suggest this was a missed opportunity for the England team. Every loss is by definition a missed opportunity for victory, in any scenario across time and space. England missed the opportunity to win this series by not winning the series.
How unfair and unjust is that? If every cricketing nation proclaimed this sentiment after a lost series perhaps we wouldn’t need to bother with team rankings, statistics, trophy retentions. Just make more trophies and hand them out to all and sundry, because every lost series was one that should deservedly have been won by both teams.
Why not change the past? History is so much sweeter and simpler that way. Australia didn’t win at Edgbaston in any meaningful way, it was an accounting error that led to the visitors scoring more runs across five days.
The real winners are determined via vibes, temerity and pure gumption. Swinging bats that result in victories a quarter of the time are far superior to a cohesive team that has established itself as the best in the world.
Lord’s, as well. Maybe the less said about the match that ruined cricket for eternity, the better. No one needs another sermon on spirit; that elusive commodity that keeps cricket spinning in a perpetual motion machine based entirely in the Lord’s Long Room.
That was a moral victory, and would have been a real victory because anyone who has watched Jonny Bairstow knew that his forthcoming innings was ending in nothing short of a Sehwag-style triple century, runs needed be damned.
No, the only victory that counted in this series was at Leeds. Home of the other famous victory that was probably the only one that counted in 2019. Even if the circumstances of the win (two tailenders scoring the winning runs) was suspiciously similar to the illegal way in which Australia won in the first Test, this was cricket on a higher plane. A first victory in three tries should be accurately lauded as the vindication it is.
Stuart Broad and Ben Stokes. (Photo by Nick Potts/PA Images via Getty Images)
The 5th Test is now a dead rubber in over a thousand different ways. If Australia win and claim the series 3-1, it is a slight on the game and nothing more shall be said about it, despite the entertainment provided over a cloudy English summer.
If England win and level the series 2-2, it is a bold statement to the rest of the world that the Poms are back to their best. No matter that they haven’t won a Test match in Australia since 2011, that hardly seems pertinent does it?
If the rain intervenes and hands us another weather enforced draw (why don’t we just play for five days and nights straight, rotating through a squad of 40 for sleep breaks?), then it is even further proof that there is some terrible curse placed upon this English team.
So really, this Ashes doesn’t matter and it never did. Forget the tenacious hype that built over May and June, that was smoke and mirrors of the highest order to distract the Australian team to the fact that England had already won.
Never mind Australia walked straight off a Test match win over India to win two on the trot, placing England in a position that history says no team can overcome unless you have the greatest player to ever hold a cricket bat in your eleven.
But our Northern friends have shown that history is malleable, and maybe Zak Crawley was better than Bradman all along.
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