The Roar
The Roar


Festive A-League report cards: The Dux's and duds as the season approaches the New Year

Western Sydney Wanderers' Nicolas Milanovic battles for possession. (Photo by Mike Owen/Getty Images)
19th December, 2023

It is that time of year, when A-League clubs receive their Roar report cards heading into the festive season, as they plan for a prosperous New Year.

Some teams will be chuffed with the teachers’ comments, whilst others will be furiously self-conscious about the honest appraisal of just how off the pace they have been through the first third of the season.

Here are the grades awarded to the twelve teams on their ‘official’ report cards, as the competition heads into its festive period.

Wellington Phoenix – A

Despite not being the most popular or fashionable member of the class, Wellington has worked diligently and looms as a potential dux of the cohort.

Just one poor assessment has held his grade back from the highest achievable and it was particularly pleasing to note Wellington’s ability to ignore all the bravado emanating from the in-crowd, and the pre-season expectations around a few students who are clearly struggling.

The school has never had a Kiwi dux and the executive is excited by the thought of breaking that drought.


Melbourne Victory – A

It is wonderful to see Victory back in the playground and enjoying himself once again. For some time he has been hiding in the toilets and proving particularly anti-social, yet it is nice to finally see a return of the confidence he once had.

It is a little concerning just how well he is performing in Uruguayan Advanced at the expense of other subjects, yet overall, the college is pleased to have Victory back in the schoolyard and out of the counsellor’s office.

Western Sydney – A

As one of the most unpopular members of the cohort, we are thrilled to see Western Sydney excelling, despite the obvious dislike many other students have towards them.

It has been many a school year since a positive report has been sent home, yet it finally does seem as though he has turned the corner. Holding Western Sydney back is support from the outside.

I would encourage all those who jumped on the bandwagon back in Year 7 to reconnect and believe in his senior years with as much vigour.


It could make all the difference.

Macarthur – B+

It is always tough to join a school from another; make friends and develop a supportive group around oneself.

Macarthur has struggled to do this, yet somehow produced very good results thus far this semester. Frankly, the staff are suspicious and concerned about plagiarism.

Hopefully, Macarthur can soon find a group of friends and cease sitting in the corner of the lunch room ringing an annoying bell and reading a book from the library about Mexico.

Brisbane Roar – B


The consensus amongst staff is that Brisbane is on drugs. Little else could explain his erratic behaviour and penchant for looking like a genius one minute and a special education student the next.

The appropriate authorities have been contacted and all efforts will be made to get to the bottom of the biggest mystery facing the institution at this time.

Melbourne City – B-

It is very pleasing to see City struggling with his work this year. For too long he has had things easy and occupied a false position at the top of the class, without doing anything to really deserve it.

Heading into the final examinations, City is generally found out to be a fraud, with a lack of soul and heart exposing him when the stakes are the highest.

Whilst this may sound like a tough message, deal with it City, very few of your classmates give two hoots about you.

Adelaide United – B


Adelaide is underperforming and badly. It is time he stood up and got serious about the year ahead; realising that he has all the talent in the world and that others are trumping assessments thanks to his sloppiness and lack of discipline.

Wake up Adelaide and seize the day.

Newcastle Jets – B-

It is good to see Newcastle out of our learning support department and beginning to tackle the outcomes set for mainstream students more consistently.

Frankly, we thought Newcastle might be in need of some NDIS assistance, however, he now sits near the middle of the class and well above where even his own parents thought he would be at this stage of the school year.

Well done Newcastle, keep it up.


Central Coast Mariners – B-

I guess being the dux of Year 11 made you think you had it all and that your final year would be a walk in the park. Well, guess what, you have lost a few key brain cells and the curriculum has pulled you into line.

Two successful assessments out of eight are simply not good enough and, pardon the expression, you need to pull your finger out quickly before the chances of an award on presentation this time around have well and truly disappeared.

Sydney FC – C

We had high hopes for Sydney as a student, yet now realise that we were misled by his enrolment interview where he told us how smart he was and his mum and dad’s net worth.

To put it bluntly, he is struggling across all sections of the curriculum and seeing the other students mocking his marks is actually kind of enjoyable and satisfying.

Western United – C
A recent assessment task has given Western some hope for a late-year resurgence, however, very few in the staff room believe it to be possible. The careers counsellor has been contacted, as we feel Western might be pursuing a vocation for which they are simply not cut out.


It might also be best if his father stops kicking furniture during parent/teacher interviews.

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Perth Glory – D

It is likely that Perth will be repeating the year, so poor is their work and sloppy their ability to finish off assessments successfully.

It has been tough watching Perth’s stepdad come in and attempt to rebuild the family, however, a spot in the remedial class has been suggested by more than one teacher, in the hope of avoiding the entire year being nothing but a waste.