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I’m delaying my usual team of the week selection and instead focusing on an issue that has until recently plagued Australian sport in general and professional rugby in particular: a lack of beards.
The commentators during the Reds match remarked on the impressive facial hair on display late in the game when Jono Owen was subbed in to join fellow hirsute front rower James Hanson. If only James Slipper would get his act together we could end up with the magnificent trifecta of three bearded beauties in the Reds’ front row.
The Australian conference is looking a lot stronger this year, and is it just a coincidence that many of our players are looking a lot hairier in the face? I think not.
We have been well and truly beaten in the beard stakes by our brothers across the Tasman for too many years. Some New Zealanders just wait until shearing season and just do themselves and their flock all in one go. Our players seem to have finally realised the benefits of the beard, and it’s high time we fans showed our appreciation as well.
So without further ado, and in rough chronological order of the games, let’s have a look at who is holding the fort and winning in the Australian battle of the beards.
Brumbies
While the Brumbies lost on the scoreboard, they were winners in terms of facial hair on the night. They seem to be striving for a consistency of beard across the whole team. Very disciplined. And with both locks and both props having good growth, it’s no wonder their scrum is strong.
Scott Fardy
Going for the upside down head look. If you can’t grow it on top, grow enough on the chin to make up for it. A very decent effort. Nicely trimmed. Looks like he could be a Viking extra. 6/10
Sam Carter
Started the season looking a bit pathetic to be honest. It was a bit like the guy in year nine who had never shaved in his life. But now looking a lot more respectable. 4/10
Ben Alexander
The all-round-fuzz look. Number two top, back, sides and everywhere else. Wouldn’t surprise me if the hair on his back was the same length too. 4/10
Robbie Coleman
A bit of a sad attempt to show that backs can grow beards as well. While the results aren’t the best, you have to tip your hat to him for making the effort. 3/10
Rebels
Captain ‘stache has recently decided to move past the Errol Flynn look and grow some chops and chin hair. In fact a fair number of the team seem to have thrown away the razor for the season, and look at the results on the field.
Scott Higginbotham
If I’m not mistaken this beard was the result of only one weeks growth. While the results are impressive, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “one weeks growth does not a beard make”. 2/10
Lahiff and Weeks
Both Rebels front rowers seem to have cottoned on too late that they need to grow beards if they are to be taken seriously. While there’s not much to see so far, I expect a fair bushy growth come by the end of the season. 4/10
Hugh Pyle
Something about Hugh screams hipster and the beard fits right in. It’s not so much that he’s trying to grow a beard so much as he lost his razor in the last year and just couldn’t care less. 4/10
Reds
There was some buzz in the media in the week leading up to the match how the Reds forwards were going to get owned by their South African opponents this weekend, and they responded in the best way possible: With facial fuzz.
James Hanson
Now we’re starting to see some serious lumberjack stuff. Here’s a man who could hold his head (and beard) up high in any situation. Magnificent! 8/10
Ed Quirk
Completes the crazy Unabomber/Pirate combo look with an Amish inspired number. 6/10
Jono Owen
Came on late in the game and didn’t his beard make an impact! 9/10
Curtis Browning
I haven’t seen much of this guy – only his second Super rugby game? – but rarely does one see such prodigious growth on a man so young. If his beard is anything to go by, he has a glorious future ahead of him. 7/10
Waratahs
Played poorly on the weekend, and when you see their beard scores you can understand why. Token effort really and they will need to show a lot more commitment if they are to be considered the real deal.
Tatafu Polota-Nau
Proving a front rower can never have too much hair, Tatafu Polota-Nau is now complementing the prodigious fro with some solid undergrowth. Imagine packing down opposite this! 7/10
Benn Robinson
Joining the bushy front rowers club with a reasonable effort but a lot more work to do. 5/10
Adam Ashley-Cooper
While not a patch on the forwards, probably the best of the Australian backs this weekend. In the beard stakes at least. 5/10
Bernard Foley
The less said about this the better. 2/10
Jono Lance
It must be cold in Sydney compared to Queensland. Either that or his razor is lost in transit. 3/10
There were others with facial hair on the weekend but none that would yet qualify as bona fide beards. Still a way to go but I don’t think it’s beyond the realms of possibility that we could be looking at an All Beards team to take on the All Blacks next we meet. Wouldn’t that warm the cockles?
Next week: The battle of the ‘staches.
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.