I can tell by the nasty case of hives that I have broken out in that the 2009 NRL Season is drawing close. So here it is, my predicted finish for all 15 teams, and the Broncos.

16. And the Wooden Spoon goes to … The Canterbury Bankstown Bulldogs
Let’s recap the Bulldogs’ woes last year. In the season from hell, they had injury problems up the wahzoo, poor crowds, no sponsor, off field dramas with at least three different players (Ben Roberts had at least two on his own from memory), conceded record scorelines in hopeless defeats, were deserted by their best player (who decided he didn’t even want to play the same sport as his former team), and constantly endured speculation as to when their coach would be shown the door. And how do the Bulldogs’ hierarchy repay their fans loyalty after enduring a year like that? By signing Brett Kimmorely, that’s how. Give ’em next year’s spoon as well, poor bastards.

15. Penrith Panthers
Saddest story of 2008? Watching the great Petero Civoniceva rotting away playing with a bunch of amateurs at the foot of the mountains. There is a plus for the Penrith faithful, with Luke Rooney’s decaying corpse being shipped off to play alongside Mark Gasnier, which is a relief for Rooney’s former Panther team mates, who surely must have grown tired of carrying his body around a football field for 26 weeks, ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ style. But that is about the only positive for the big cats in 2009.

14. Newcastle Knights
The only reasons I don’t have the Knights finishing last are Kurt Gidley and the fact that I really think the story of the year will prove to be just how bad the Dogs got it wrong in their club cleanout. Gidley showed last year he could play three or four positions in one game, at one point singlehandedly dragging 12 of his crash test dummy-like team mates to a victory. Trouble is, if he played one half in the backs and one half in the forwards, he would be a lock for the best back and forward in every game he played on this rabble of a squad.

13. Sydney Roosters
Can someone tell me if Craig Fitzgibbon is cryogenically frozen over every off season? This can be the only explanation for him playing this long. Unfortunately for Roosters fans, he is not the only forward in their ranks a little past his ‘best before’ date. A look over the Roosters best squad doesn’t fill me with hope for the Tri-Colours, their backs are, as a unit, uninspiring, and the forwards that aren’t squeaking at every joint are barely first grade material. Roast chicken anyone?

12. South Sydney Rabbitohs
A hypothetical, let’s say your name is Nathan Merritt. You are one of the 10 best fullbacks in the game, despite playing a disproportionate amount of your career rotting on the wing (seriously, name me the players who support the ball better, score more tries, and have a better knack for being in the right place at the right time? Thought so), showed last season in the few times you were played at fullback that you excelled, only to be inexplicably moved out of position by your coach, and pushed even harder for representative selection. Now, after showing your exceptional ability in the fullback position, you would rightfully expect to be played in that position, wouldn’t you? And any decision to buy another, older, more injury prone, well past his best fullback, whose career highlight tape is on BETA it has been that long since he did anything, would seem utterly ridiculous wouldn’t it? Attention all South Sydney Rabbitohs fans, your marquee signing for 2009: Rhys Wesser. Can I get a round of applause? Anyone? Hello? Is anyone out there?

11. Canberra Raiders
This is one ranking I am happy to be proven wrong on, as I have a soft spot for the sublime. Some of these no names made somewhat of a name for themselves last year, and former Tiger Stuart Flanagan will shine brightly given consistent First Grade minutes. I just feel uneasy about the fact the Raiders lost their most potent attacking weapon (Carney), one of their best backs (Best, pardon the pun), one of the most promising, if injury prone, fullbacks going around (Zillman), their toughest forward (Costigan), not to mention the fire in their belly (Withers). Take all those elements out of any team and they will more than likely be left spent, with their Tongue hanging out (sorry Alan, this isn’t a good thing!). Oh, and they bought David Shillington, the Bentley of the NRL, because he looks the part, costs a lot of money, but you end up spending a lot of time sitting around, wondering exactly why you spent all that money in the first place.

10. Parramatta Eels
The Eels are like a Greek phone book, full of big names, difficult to read, and ultimately boring if you stare at it for too long. The only saving grace is that Feleti Mateo will no doubt win a few games on his own, but once he breaks down with injury, as he will inevitably do, the Eels fans may well need a phone book, to dial 000.

9. St George-Illawarra Dragons
Wollongong’s answer to toilet paper advertising, looks good on paper, but is kinda pointless, and ends up looking like, well, you know. There is one reason and one reason alone that I have the Puffs rated this high, and his name is Wayne Bennett. These perennial underachievers will win 10-12 games this year, and not one of them will be due to the brilliance of the players contained in that team (“Phew”, says Darius Boyd, “talent was an all too expensive optional extra when I was being hatched”). Every win the Dragons have in 2009 will be owing entirely to the brilliance of the coach, but it won’t be enough come September.

8. Brisbane Israel Falous
In contrast to their former coach’s new home, every win the Broncos have will be due to the brilliance of their playing roster, well, at least their backline. Trouble is, come September, you will need as much coaching nouse as playing ability, and Ivan Henjak, former Magpie Champion that he is, just isn’t cutting the mustard in my opinion. That’s not my only concern, there’s also doubt over Lockys legs (and the suspicion over that knee), no Tunza, not to mention their forward pack is about as intimidating as one of Israel’s bible recitals. There is no way I am backing Joel Clinton, Corey Parker and Nick Kenny to lay a consistent platform for the most potent backline outside of Tiger Town … and I’m guessing, come Origin time, neither will many Bronco fans.

7. North Queensland Cowboys
Maybe it is just me who notices crap like this, but for the past five years, Carl Webb has featured in the Courier Mail during pre-season training, in a boxing pose, with a mean look on his face, claiming he is the fittest he has ever been. Now, I had the Cows rated higher than this until I saw the 2009 version of the “Carl’s fit, no really, he is! Why don’t you believe us, look at that face, it’s so mean'”, story, and I shuddered. That, coupled with my concern that Matty Bowen may only come back 75 percent the attacking weapon he was pre-knee explosion (which probably still makes him the third best fullback in the game, mind you, but in this Cowboys side, he means much more at his best), has me thinking the Brokebacks may have to punch well above their weight to play Finals football. I’m still picking them to get it partially right however.

6. Melbourne Storm
There is a part of me that thinks this is far too high a finish for Melbourne. Sure, they still have Slater, Inglis, Cronk and Smith, so all the key positions are covered with stars, but I think many are glossing over the impact of losing an enforcer such as Crocker (just ask Brett Stewart, circa 2007), not to mention Kaufusi, Jeremy Smith (as much as it pains me to wrap that bloke), and Falou, who was near on impossible to handle in that backline last season. The psychological scars of their Grand Final drubbing could still linger, and if they find themselves back in the pack mid season (a horribly unfamiliar position for this team), I can’t see them covering the gap mentally. This pick is purely based on the talent of the aforementioned four, and their staying healthy. I’m really not confident about this pick. In fact I think I have just convinced myself I am wrong, but I just couldn’t take myself seriously if I said they would miss the Finals.

5. Manly Sea Eagles
The most consistent team of the past two seasons other than the Storm, so there has to be a coming back to the pack element to their success. Take nothing away from their brilliant performance in the Grand Final, but I get the feeling that Matt Orford is a little like Home and Away: entertaining in it’s time, still with some die-hard fans, but has blatantly run its course, only peaking once a year, and winning an award for it. You know those episodes of Home and Away where all the old characters make cameos and it is almost watchable for half an hour? That was Matt Orford in 2008. He even won his Gold Logie at the Dally M’s. As Alf Stewart would say, it’s all downhill from here for this flamin’ galah.

4. Gold Coast Titans
It’s quite obvious to anyone who follows the game that the Coast have modeled their ideal team on the 2005 Tigers Premiership squad, and they aren’t an overly imaginative bunch, so they thought the best way to achieve said goal would be to just have all the Tigers team from that miraculous season playing for them! Unfortunately for the Sandy Arse Cracks, Robbie Farah remained loyal and refused to be lured by the sun, surf and meter-maids that enticed some of his former, not quite so loyal team mates (Prince and Laffranchi, I’m not mentioning names). But as we all know, the cheap imitation is never as good as the original, so the Tights are doomed for several more seasons of unfulfilled potential yet. But keep trying boys, I hear Brett Hodgson might be making a comeback in 2015?

3. New Zealand Warriors
The only thing that can derail this season for the Warriors is their inability to handle the emotional roller coaster this year promises to be for them. Not only the return of Stacey Jones (who, I might add, has had more comebacks than Ron Jeremy), but most significantly, the tragic drowning of budding superstar, Sonny Fai. This team has all the attributes to go all the way, and if they deal with the turmoil by venting their anger on the field, I’m not sure anyone will want to be playing them. Especially come Finals time.

2. Cronulla Sharks
Is it just me, or did these pretenders just get scarily good all of a sudden. It was enough that they rid themselves of Kimmorely, signed Trent Barrett and his magical hands (I’d like a dollar for every time Ray Warren waxes lyrical about Trent’s hands this season), and stole Tupou from the Chooks. Then, uber-grub, Greg Bird is punted (don’t even get me started on that!), and one of my favorite players, Reni frikkin Maitua, lands in their lap (on a side note, if you are a Bulldogs fan, and arguably one of your three best players has the same amount of indiscretions as your enormously over rated halfback, who would you sack first? The half back right? Especially because you had just bought another, equally as over rated half back. It’s a no brainer, isn’t it? I promise not to remind you who the player named Reni used to play for when he makes the Australian side, earns a sky blue jumper, and plays a lot more semi final football in one season than your team has any hope of doing in three years). They say you need luck to win a Premiership, and the Wobbegongs have had more than their share before a ball is kicked in anger.

1. And running away with the 2009 Grand Final is: (drum roll) Wests Tigers!
Can any Tigers fan remember the last time we started a season without a Benji Marshall related headline? This year it is interest from Japanese Rugby that has ‘Yen-ji’ on every one’s lips. I say he re-signs with the Tigers, plays the off season in Japan, and starts the 2010 run to back to back Premierships on his return. But that’s just me. I’m known to be quite conservative. Seriously, in 2008 the Tigers biggest issues were defence, and the fact that our forwards laid platforms that an emphysema riddled Big Bad Wolf would have blown over, giving the backs that we actually had fully fit (about 5 for the year) no chance to do anything. I remember feeling pumped after watching Daine Laurie make his debut first hand against the Broncos (despite the fact I had just slashed my wrists after Karmichael kicked the winning point), and with a full preseason under his belt, ‘Wild Thing’ is my pick to make the biggest impression, not just on the NRL, but most of his opponents. So with Payten, Farah and Laurie up front, coupled with a back row of the ever improving Heighington, a more impressive than I expected Gareth Ellis, and my personal favorite, Dene Halatau, the forward pack more than holds its own against anyone in the competition. Considering the renewed focus on defense this off season, Sheensy’s two biggest heart attack providers are done and dusted. Oh, and the new two-Referee rule?, it only gives teams that attack through the ruck a distinct advantage, which, by the by, the Tigers do better than any other team in the competition…and did I mention we can score points? Lots and lots of points. Is the NRL sure they don’t want to just save every one’s time and hand them the Trophy now? It’s over….