Welcome to the new look 2010 NBL
We were supposed to be cruising around in flying cars by now, but somewhere down the line manufacturers became distracted with sustainability and surviving economic downturn. So what’s the timeframe on flying cars now anyway? 2020?
However, in 2010 you can jump into a Hybrid, drive slow and pass the time tweeting on your phone. You can even check out this preview while sitting in traffic.
In 2010 the NBL is fresh, funky and futuristic. Freshly marketed and back on free-to-air television with a funky new ball and futuristically brought to you on “webpages” over the “internet”, which are “inside” computers by iiNet.
The competition will roll for 25 rounds after which four teams will rise to the top. We’ll let the “experts” tell you who these teams will be, but here’s a quick rundown of each team in no particular order:
Everybody’s second favourite team just got a little more awesome. Their biggest off-season acquisition is their fully sick new Toyota Rukus courtesy of new sponsor Illawarra Toyota. This ride brings new meaning to the phrase; “taking my talents to South Beach”. The community owned Hawks will make even more friends once they push this whip around the Lighthouse decks. I have a feeling the League’s best Operations & Marketing Manager, Mili Simic will be getting the most out of this vehicle, so I’ll ask him the big questions; Mili, what’s this baby sitting on? 20s? 22s?
Everybody loves to hate the Kings, but their return signals the much needed growth of the League. If the Kings can successfully capture the imagination of the nation’s biggest market then the future of the NBL will be bright. This doesn’t necessarily mean Sydney should be highly competitive and challenge for the championship, but rather simply be entertaining and attract attention. When the Kings fielded super loaded rosters and dominated the competition the League suffered as a result. However, when they were unpredictable and continually underachieved in the 1990s the NBL enjoyed prosperity. Kings management should examine this effect and focus on bringing in charismatic, spectacular imports and not care so much about the little things like winning.
Speaking of charismatic imports, the Crocs lost the premiere loud-mouthed flashy American of the past few seasons in Corey “Homicide” Williams. Hopefully between Will “I am not Mookie” Blalock and Gabe “I am not Kevin” Freeman the Crocs can attract a suitable number of bums on seats. Once again, remember the golden rule folks; the NBL isn’t about winning; it’s about taking money and time from people that would have otherwise been absorbed by another sport.
The Tigers are tall. They’re also ugly. Tall ugly players historically have a tendency to be mostly counterproductive and somewhat uncoordinated or in technical sports science speak are; “effing unco”. Grouping such gangly and hideously ugly players together could yield catastrophic results and in this way they’re reminiscent of the Monstars in Space Jam. I let you decide who the ugliest player of them all is (Tragargamel) and discuss some suitable nicknames for heckling.
The entire Perth Wildcats organisation is obnoxious. They think they’re hot poop and they want you to know about it. There really is nothing to like about this team, city or even the entire state of WA. I’ll mention their positives first; Kevin Splish (Lisch) has the best and most apt nickname in the NBL and that is all. Now go out and hate this team, hate this team with all your might.
New Zealand Breakers
With the League progressing upwards and onwards, I can’t shake the feeling that these guys may be holding us back in someway. I’m not even talking about the backwards coverage of their home games on “throwback” Thursdays. Despite crumbling in the playoffs in recent seasons, these guys could seriously win this thing. New Zealand out performed us in the World Cup, they knocked us out of the 2002 Basketball World Championships. What happens when a Kiwi team wins the NBL or NRL? Aren’t we helping the growth of their domestic competitions by allowing them to piggyback on ours? Isn’t this the same way they qualified for the World Cup with us paving the way in the Oceanic qualifying process?
This team is loaded with unassuming and fundamentally sound players. Ayinde Ubaka runs the point effectively and efficiently. Phill Jones pops threes from everywhere. Dusty Rychart works tirelessly on the glass. Alex Laughton and Ian Crosswhite were both manufactured to industry approved standards on the assembly line. To top things off, Aaron Grabau has somehow been around for ten years without doing much of anything and has had that same pencil-line chinstrap “beard” since 2000. When this team hits the floor, the finished product is dull and devoid of flash and flair.
Gold Coast Blaze
Let’s just go ahead use the Gold Coast as the measuring stick for the competition. Mark Worthington decided to take his talents to Broadbeach and the Blaze is our answer to the Miami Heat. James Harvey you can be Dwayne Wade and Pero you can be Chris Bosh. Actually Pero, you can be whoever or whatever you want, just don’t hurt me you nutball. This team is loaded with characters, hopefully one or some of them does something really stupid and fetches the NBL some added attention. We all know that the NBL only receives prime time coverage when something negative or controversial happens. Come on Blaze, combust! You’re our only hope.
Troy De Vries is not Brett Maher. Rhys Carter is also not Brett Maher. I don’t know who Craig Winder is, but I’m fairly confident he is not Brett Maher, even if he changed his name to Brett Maher, he still wouldn’t be Brett Maher. In fact, without Brett Maher last year I’m pretty sure the 36ers didn’t win a single game all season. It’s a tough call to say that the 36ers have lost relevancy since Brett Maher retired, but how else would I be able to mention Brett Maher eight times while previewing Brett Maher’s (nine) former team. Brett Maher (ten).