In poring over the aftermath of the Argentina vs England game, I find myself wondering how it was that England ever managed to win it.
Argentina ran around the field like a spreading bushfire. England’s started off despondent because their attempt to disguise themselves as All-Blacks had not worked as expected; during practice it had become clear that not even they themselves believed it.
Despite this, England had prepared well for Argentina’s arson attack and pulled out their extra-clever method of fighting fires: the wet-blanket defence.
The wet-blanket defence is a very cunning defence indeed, and I strongly recomend that no team but England try it.
Only they have the wherewithal to play it properly. The French have tried it on occasion but their own hot-headedness draws them towards inevitable failure.
It takes a proper mixture of stodgy food and inclement weather to prepare for the wet-blanket defence, and the French cannot create the proper training conditions, despite their best efforts.
Actually once the Scots did passably well at the wet-blanket defence after their team chef forgot to put in seasoning when making the haggis, but I digress.
The English prepared to roll out their wet-blanket defence and it would snuff out their opponents’ best efforts.
Readers may be curious to know that the correct term for a collection of rule infractions is a school, and in this case the English had gone one further and prepared a private school of tiny rule infractions: gleaning that extra edge by standing just one step offside, lying on the wrong side of the ruck, not rolling away, joining from the side – you name it, they tried it.
With the advantages provided by the wet-blanket defence, England couldn’t lose and winning could be left until later. But unfortunately for England, they had overlooked one impediment to success: headmaster and party-pooper, Bryce Lawrence.
The England boys were just kidding around, but that po-faced git seemed unable to take a joke. He had no humour whatsoever. Despite all the exaggerated outrage England could muster, he wouldn’t come on-side – his face reddened, his teeth gritted and he raised his cane high to inflict cruel justice on the English team! What a sore sport!
Something urgent had to be done. It was out of the question to affirm Lawrence’s mistaken punishments, so England mustered their inner fortitude and redoubled their outraged dismay, shaking their heads sadly and muttering denials at every further penalty.
Surely these efforts would sway that Kiwi muppet!
The English prepared to redouble their already redoubled efforts. But another even more sinister problem was (ahem) afoot.
Prior to the game, Rodríguez and Wilkinson had mistakenly and tragically put on each other’s boots, with drastic consequences!
Rodriguez, with boots too small, suffered dreadful cramps when kicking the ball, and Wilkinson’s too-large boots seemed to have minds of their own, kicking wildly and at random.
It was a complete disaster. It seemed possible that neither side would be able to amass any points and the game would have to be called off!
Half-time was closing in and the Argentines’ strategy of lighting random fires and kicking the ball away when it looked like it itself was on fire had paid dividends.
The forwards of both sides rumbled on obliviously. However the backs had realised that the combination of lighting fires on the ball and damping it down was bringing it dangerously close to exploding, and they were frantically kicking it away. The random flight of the ball had put Argentina comfortably ahead by three penalties to one so they were not upset.
Suddenly however the whole character of the match changed, when headmaster Lawrence did England an enormous favour, and issued prop Cole a yellow card for flagrant and unfeeling display of a beard while gripping an Argentinian player. Now England could only be victorious.
Come again?
England won because of that yellow card.
No really.
Argentina seized on this as confirmation of their play, and consequently redoubled their efforts to kick away possession.
Their extra man was then free to make rude gestures at the English, increasing the general heat on the field. Surely the ball would explode soon, and with it, England’s hopes!
But then came the vuvuzla in the ointment. Half-time caught Argentina completely by surprise and dashed their hopes.
In the English dressing room, waiting fuming was the face that naughty schoolboys like least to see: mother Johnson. And she was not amused.
What went on in that dressing room we will never know, but when the second half resumed their chastisement was written across the face of every English player. The wet-blanket defence was abandoned, and it was all the fault of Lawrence and that yellow card.
Across the field nothing but good, well behaved boys, “Yes sir” and “No sir”.
Without having a target to pick on, Lawrence now began to focus his ire on the Argentinian side, and they began to bear the brunt of his discontent.
With their new found freedom the English had only one hurdle still to clear: to discover a way to win, without resorting to the wet-blanket defence. For a long time they were at a complete loss. The forwards rumbled away obliviously. But to the backs, kicking away possession was still the most tried and true method and they stuck to what they knew.
Then at the 67th minute, after numerous attempts where Wilkinson aimed one way and his boots had kicked the other, he had a brainwave! Taking his captain by surprise, he kicked for the corner!
There was a rumble of discontent from the team. This was not the style of rugby they had come for. However it was too late, they had no choice but to play along with their insane genius.
Within a minute Argentina were stunned as their defensive line was torn to ribbons and the rest is history.
Disclaimer: No real stereotypes were damaged in the making of this piss-take. My sympathies to whoever suffered through the actual, interminable game.
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