Just what the world needs. Some more words about how [insert superlative here] Barcelona are, how [snappily dressed/tactically advanced/inspiring] Pep Guardiola is and the sheer [genius/virtuosity/weird features] of Lionel Messi.
But their 5-0 thumping of Atletico Madrid was a perfectly crafted lesson in creative football which made you pinch yourself to make sure you didn’t get hit by the bus on the way to work.
I’d had a long day. Spending your entire Saturday taking x-rays at the nearby hospital (a blogger with eight readers ain’t giving up his day job) as opposed to watching Premier League with appropriate hydration is not exactly the stuff dreams are made of.
A tough day at the office with a wide array of patients; demented pensioners with busted hips, sideway noses from the night before and a young man from Madrid doing a one year exchange study at the local University.
Seeing his Madrid address, I began by enquiring as to which team he pledged his footballing allegiance, with the difference being about a wait of about three hours.
He was ushered into the lab in a timely manner when he assured me that he was hanging out to see his beloved Atletico play Barcelona in tonight’s game.
As I was x-raying his ankle (which was fine by the way, he practically jumped off the table) he rolled his eyes as he spoke of the seemingly impossible trip to Camp Nou.
But there was also something that resembled hope in his voice when he spoke their midweek 4-0 victory against Sporting Garlic Dijón and the early success of their new signing Falcao.
The former Porto man had two goals and an assist in their midweek win and his record playing in Portugal (72 Goals in 87 Games) is nothing if not prolific.
Despite losing some key players over the summer, Atletico is still one of the most feared teams in La Liga and they were Europa league winners only two seasons ago.
But tonight they looked like the world’s whitest man trying to keep pace with Usian Bolt.
I’d got home just in time to bung some spring rolls in the oven, empty the modest contents of my online gambling account on a Barcelona win (at $1.18 it sure beats bank interest and seems a more secure investment) and and kicked back on the couch to enjoy the spectacle.
And enjoy it I did. How can you not revel in watching the most free flowing, enterprising, ESP-laden team to ever grace a football pitch (at least in my lifetime)?
The number of times a Barcelona player was released into space after a perfectly timed run and pass was beyond comprehension.
Messi bagged a sublime hat-trick, with an honourable mention on a fourth as his ball into the keeper ricocheted off the unlucky Atletico defender Miranda for Barca’s second goal.
The Sex in the City ginger was not having the best of nights, also at fault for the first goal scored by David Villa after a pinpoint long ball from Xavi.
But for all their attacking prowess, the secret of Barcelona’s success tonight stemmed from the back.
Carles Puyol and Gerard Pique have been world football’s most formidable centre back pairing over the last few seasons and were sitting on the bench.
The current and future Barcelona captains were sitting side by side on the pine, as two defensive midfielders were preferred in Busquets and Mascherano.
Pep Guardiola was chancing his arm that if Athletico couldn’t get the ball, the complete lack of a specialist centre back would be nothing to worry about.
This move was absolutely on the money as the new centre back pair, along with their backline associates Abidal and Dani Alves, knocked it round with such flair and confidence, you’d have sworn they were in their own attacking third.
At one point Valdez even played a goal kick square to Abidal in the corner, who bent a cheeky ball across the face of his own goal (no doubt to the utter disgust of his U12’s coach) to Alves on the right flank.
Cesc rolled back on occasions and provided the first-date pairing their necessary protection, although the rubber stayed in the packet all evening as Atletico’s attacking raids were few and far between.
This caused Busquets to push forward on occasions, leaving a diminutive Argentine standing like a giant in the centre of the back three.
The first half saw Barcelona at a canter and enjoying 70 percent of the possession, with the referee seemingly the only person on the field able to intercept a pass when he took a Xavi Henandez bullet straight in the rump.
On this wet night in Barcelona, the goals were flowing regularly and with the great atmosphere intact, the only thing getting dampened by the downpour was Guardiola’s slim-cut suit.
Barca were in complete control and appeared to be attacking the entire match. They took eight corners compared with Atletico’s one, who considering the state of the game, would have been better off building a shop on it to sell bags of mixed lollies.
But the true star of the show was Messi with his weaving runs and relentless attacking presence.
If Messi kept the game ball for every memorable night he’s had at Camp Nou, he’d need a warehouse to store them.
So the fact he tracked the ball down straight after the whistle and marched off the pitch with it tucked safely under his arm demonstrates just how impressive his performance was.
During the build-up to his first goal he took a quick throw-in to Pedro, who played an immediate return pass to a briskly moving Messi, who jinked to lose the defender on the edge of the area and smashed it home past the near stick.
Two equally impressive goals were to follow, but to do justice to his teammate, it must be said that Barcelona were outstanding right across the park.
The only downside for Barca was the fact they have Qatar Foundation plastered across their famed jerseys.
The stench of corruption still lingers from a World Cup bid which did nothing but guarantee dehydrated footballers come 2022.
With two shock draws now behind them, the Barca performance tonight reiterated the very realistic possibility that they could go undefeated in the league this season.
I have great difficulty seeing any team matching them over 180 minutes, home and away, virtually assuring them Copa del Rey success and another Champions League Final appearance.
That might sound like it’s all a bit too easy, but for this amazing team from Cataluña, that’s exactly what it is.
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