The Australian Olympic Committee yesterday called a snap meeting to discuss modifying the punishments dished out to team dumb spuds Kendrick Monk, Nick D’Arcy and Josh Booth.
Currently, all three athletes are under strict orders from the governing body to leave the athlete’s village immediately at the completion of their events due to previous misdemeanours that were considered a vigorous sling-shotting of their respective sports deep into disrepute.
Prior to the London Games, Monk and D’Arcy were found guilty of an inadequate attempt at impersonating an Australian criminal icon. Booth, on the other hand, was cited just hours after his rowing commitments wrapped up for his role in midnight window shopping without a permit.
He was also cited for unfairly contributing to the stereotype that all kebab shop owners speak in broken English.
Under the AOC’s simplistic grading system, the two events were both categorised as medium-to-high brand impact and low-to-medium sensibility, resulting in their penalties being assessed as level three reckless horseplay.
Originally when the rulings were handed down, the committee and the offenders were mutually content with the outcomes and happy to move on.
Now, it appears that the disciplinary chieftains have had a change of heart.
Sources say they have now grown largely unhappy over the original determinations, mainly due to the subsequent public groundswell of disdain towards the trio, as well as the nation’s fading sporting identity on the back of a pirate-grade haul of silver so far in London.
The committee is now hell-bent on making a stronger example of the infringing team members by adding further sanctions, in a bid to kick-start a change of culture among the athlete contingent.
The cocky boasting of smaller nations such as New Zealand and Kazakhstan and nothing but tumbleweeds in the 1500 metres swimming has seen the concern build.
A marathon six-hour chinwag bore no fruit, with the punishment still to be determined after the meeting adjourned early at 3pm local time.
An unnamed insider confirmed this was to ‘allow all members sufficient time to beat closing time at the athletics stadium bar, as well as to get a decent eyeful of Jessica Ennis before her event finished.’
Speculation about the possible punishment continues to fly around like stoned javelin. Some have suggested fines, life bans, community service on Laurie Lawrence poetry tours or public whippings with a cat-o-bronze medals as some of the potential ‘fine-tuning’ to the original punishment.
However, thanks to the clandestine gum-banging of a sozzled committee member and some reliable Chinese-whispering, we here at The Roar can exclusively reveal that the updated conditions of the penalties for Monk, D’Arcy and Booth have already been finalised and are now merely awaiting the rubber stamp.
The directive to immediately leave the village and take no further part in supporting Australian events, now viewed in the current climate of mediocrity as weak and ineffective, will be abolished.
It will be replaced with the distinctly new obligation that the trio actually remain within the confines of the athlete’s precinct right up until the completion of the Games, and attend a minimum of 10 events a day involving Australian competitors.
Subjecting the transgressors to the recurring ache of green and gold failure and ensuring they are readily identifiable as Australians at all times while in London was viewed as a more attractive and influential way to draw a line in the sand by the committee members.
The final vote was unanimous, subject to a few supplementary conditions.
These conditions are likely to be penalties for the removal or concealment of their Australian team tracksuit, the requirement to partake in unabashed celebrations for any top 30 finishes in all events and a minimum of 25 self-originated chants of ‘Aussie Aussie Aussie’ per hour, with the minimum increasing to 40 for any medal.
To confirm the gravity of the AOC’s stance, the three cited athletes will also be fitted with a Lindsay Lohan-style ankle bracelet which will immediately play Down Under at high volume when found outside of the boundaries of the village.
Unlike Lohan though, the trio will have to endure their punishment sober and clothed to ensure all abysmal events of the remaining days of competition are consigned to memory forever.
There are further unconfirmed reports that the committee is preparing a further shortlist of under performing athletes who may also be subject to these penalties.
Stephanie Rice, Mitchell Watt and the entire men’s swimming team were unavailable for comment last night.
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