In the wake of the ACC’s shocking allegations against NRL clubs and their players last week — allegations that suggest “widespread” doping is occurring in Australian sport — it’s clear to me there is only one path forward.
I propose the creation of a separate league entity, to be known as the NPERL (National Performance Enhanced Rugby League), and which will run fixtures alongside the “cleanskin-only” NRL from 2014 onwards.
No longer would players, coaches and administrators live in perpetual fear of being caught and publicly shamed by ASADA. Instead, any doping offenders could simply be shifted to the NPERL, where they would be free to compete with like-minded PIED takers without fear of consequence.
Injury threatening to derail your career? Not quite skilled enough to crack it at the highest level? No longer a problem — a quick regime of growth hormones and boom, your career is back on track as a hard-running front rower for the Jindabyne Juicers.
Given the anti-ageing properties of some PIEDs, any shortfall in players willing to dope to compete could be counteracted by the extended careers of those who do. Average retirement age would increase to 46.
By my estimation, Locky’s 355-game record is a goner.
From a commercial standpoint, the NPERL would create additional revenue streams for rugby league as a whole, with advertisers traditionally considered too risqué for the family-friendly NRL finally able to get on board.
Powerade and Gatorade’s latest rival in the sports drink market — Peptideade — would be perfect as competition sponsor.
All these funds could be poured back into junior rugby league. A compounding chemist in every canteen. Leave no child behind.
Obviously, the NRL would eventually pale in comparison to the athletically superior NPERL, with players having to rely on outdated concepts such as passing, kicking and general rugby league nous to unlock defensive lines.
The NRL can keep State of Origin, too — the pinnacle of performance-enhanced rugby league would be PIED of Origin, when the Steroids take on the Peptides in a best-of-three series where it’s mate versus mate and hormone versus hormone.
There’s more. Assuming the other codes latch onto this concept (APEFL, anyone?), it would eventually bring a whole new perspective to the now-fabled code wars.
In addition to arguing over whose sport is more entertaining and whose fans are more passionate, we could turn our attention to whose sports scientists are most effective.
I can hear it now: “Mate… looks like a bunch of seagulls fighting over a creatine bar!”
It also creates the opportunity for the fairytale-style story of the “cleanskin-who-could” — a non-PIED-enhanced player who signs up for the NPERL and becomes the best in the league despite all the odds.
Kind of like Becky “Icebox” O’Shea in the Little Giants, only for the 21st century.
Who knows — if the NPERL is a success, we could even debate the merits of an NFRL (National Fixed Rugby League) competition for 2015.
The possibilities are endless, really.
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