So another stupidly long English Premier League season ended a few weeks ago with victory to a rich club from Manchester and relegation for those poor souls at, um, those other places where those other clubs got relegated.
But let’s face it, in Australia our main concern is how to replace the time we usually dedicate each week at work to messing about with our fantasy football squads.
Sure we support a team (invariably a decent one with a chance of winning something), but the rest of the league is nothing but an opportunity to pilfer statistically sound players.
What to do between now and August then? Tidy up those spreadsheets? Go to the gym?
Pffftt, you’re a Premier League Manager, there is no off-season. Preparation equals performance.
Here is a guide to coping with the fantasy football hiatus.
1. Treat everyday life like a trade window
Obviously you’d prefer to be clearing the decks for Robin Van Persie’s arrival or shuffling around defenders you only know by last name. Get over it.
There are still two-and-a-half months of this football-less tedium so it’s imperative you maintain that ruthless mindset throughout.
Has a friend not been as enthusiastic lately as they’re capable of? Trade them out of the next social gathering; you’ve been left with no choice.
There must be another squad member (one of the world’s great euphemisms for ‘not very good’) waiting on the fringes.
Sometimes your captain needs a wake-up call. Stop using the term ‘bestie’ and just call them by their actual name, it will rekindle memories of being scolded by their mum and it will sting. And you’ll feel really powerful.
2. Intimidate your fantasy rivals with peculiar knowledge
You might not be able to score any points on the season ladder, but you can certainly climb a few mental game rungs above the other managers in your league.
Start nonchalantly talking about some rumour you’ve heard of a teenage French sensation identified by Arsene Wenger and possibly on his way to London.
Invent a random player name and ask if anyone else thinks they’ll buy him at the right price.
Frenzied Google searches later your challengers will still be trying to work out if you said Juan De Pepeschraafvshieven or ‘Wonder’ Pepe Shaftiron.
3. Pick your squad early and change it constantly
Some managers wait until just before the league starts to build their squad, smugly assuming that’s the best time to factor in late transfers, injury updates and selection rumours.
All fine in theory, but have they been sufficiently consumed by statistical analysis to prepare for such an intense competition? As the adage goes, you can’t win a fantasy football league in the first week, but you can lose it.
You should select a squad as early as possible to get back in the swing of things. Check it every day and make some completely meaningless trades just because you can. By August 17, you’ll be ready to commit.
Are you the ultimate team manager? Pick your own superstar team and go head to head with other football fans for glory and cash prizes on Draftstars. Imagine what you could be buying instead. Set a deposit limit.
Manchester United have survived one of the most astonishing FA Cup semi-final comebacks to beat second-tier Coventry City 4-2 on penalties after a chaotic…
Erik ten Hag hopes Manchester United's nail-biting last-eight win over arch-rivals Liverpool in the FA Cup can prove the turning point in a challenging…
Phil Foden has led Manchester City's fightback - even despite an astonishing miss by Erling Haaland - as the champions beat Manchester United 3-1…
Arsenal remain just two points behind Premier League leaders Liverpool after trouncing Newcastle 4-1 to continue their rich vein of form. Rebounding quickly from…
Watching Manchester United trip, stumble and struggle in English Premier League football is compellingly appealing, satisfying and almost comical for those of us who…
It was a move retro by comparison to much of the Premier League, and indeed modern football: a natural right-footed winger stationed on the…
