The sporting juggernaut that is the National Football League starts today in what promises to be another season of big plays, big hits and big egos.
For those who might have been hibernating from the sport in the winter though and haven’t kept up with the several thousand player transfers and behaviour indiscretions, the new season can be a bit of a steep learning curve.
Never fear though because at the Roar we’re here to help with all your NFL concerns via our cheat sheet, so you can enjoy the season and look like you know what you’re talking about in the lunch room this season.
Q: I can’t remember what team I support, which team should I follow this year?
A: Cool story bro, we all know you were a Giants fan at the start of last season.
But if you really must choose a new side the 49ers, Broncos, Saints and Colts should all be heading in the right direction this year.
Stay away from the Ravens (way too obvious, plus the bandwagon is full) but consider the Bengals and potentially even the Lions if you like to be a bit of an individual (read hipster).
Avoid Jacksonville and Cleveland unless you are some sort of sporting masochist and own a lot of brown paper bags.
Q: Is ‘Tebowing’ whenever I sink a putt/beat minesweeper/throw a wad of paper in the office garbage bin still cool?
A: Umm, no not really. After spending more time on the bench than Judge Judy last year at the New York Jets young Tim headed to the New England Patriots, but has since been cut.
Granted this doesn’t mean he will receive any less media attention, and he does seem like a lovely bloke, however there’s a good chance you’ll be striking the signature pose of the star of a Christian Reality TV show rather than an NFL footballer.
Q: IS RG3 going to be ok this year? I heard his leg fell off.
A: Well Robert Griffin the Third didn’t take one single snap during the pre-season after his injury in last year’s playoff match, and there have been concerns that he may be a little undercooked.
Fact is though Washington would play him even if they had to piggyback him around the field, but it might not be until later in the season where we see his best.
Q: Who are the gun new guys to watch out for?
A: Well considering this season’s draft was more defensive than Clive Palmer when asked to explain his political policies, there’s not that many super-duper new names you’ll want to walk around with on your back.
However EJ Manuel will be leading around Buffalo, Travis Austin should get some ball at St Louis and Geno Smith looks to have taken the poison chalice at the Jets.
Q: And Geno Smith, he’s the next RG3 right?
If former Jet Darelle Revis doesn’t destroy him this weekend…yeh still no. But if he doesn’t run into his blocker’s ass then it’s a step in the right direction for the Jets.
Q: What’s this fantasy football everyone keeps talking about?
A: A pretend virtual football game for desperate people who have decided that they need a hobby that will frustrate them endlessly and waste all their free time.
Also more addictive than nicotine laced ice cream.
Q: Can I make an Aaron Hernandez joke yet?
A: Too soon
Q: How many touchdowns will Jesse Williams score?
A: You really haven’t been paying attention have you?
Q: Who is singing at half-time at the Super Bowl?
A: Please leave
Stick with the above and I’m sure you’ll have a great season.
Now, let’s play some fooooootballll!
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