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The two 2013 NRL grand final opponents were decided on the weekend, yet something is strangely amiss in the eyes of fans.
In place of mass jubilation, malaise has descended over rugby league land, as the fans turn up their nose at the last NRL supper being offered for 2013.
And darn right we should too.
For you see there are many reasons to approach next weekend’s showpiece with apathy.
In fact, here are five reasons why you shouldn’t watch the game and just mow the lawn instead. But wait, you can’t even do that because of…
1. The timeslot
The only question that haunts true rugby league fans more than “What’s an obstruction?” is the office arty type’s dreaded mumble: “So what time is the grand final?”
What time is the grand final? What time is the Melbourne Cup? What date is ANZAC day? Who discovered Australia?
If John Howard still owned a Wallabies tracksuit this would be code orange UnAustralian
Alas though it’s not really the noob’s fault, as no one is really sure anymore, because NRL grand final kick off times have become the Makasini Richters of the Australian sports landscape.
FYI, this year it’s 7:15pm, a timeslot only the blokes at Franco’s Fireworks Factory prefer, and leaves you with a host of problems.
Do you spend all day in front of the telly dragging it out and risk peaking too early, or ignore the hype all day and try to get in the mood late?
And that’s not even taking into account that confusing daylight savings thing.
2. The Pre Match Entertainment
Ricky Martin is the pre-match NRL grand final entertainment.
This immediately warmed the hearts of many rugby league fans, because although a flamboyant Puerto Rican pop star isn’t Barnesy in a helicopter, he did put on a show at the FIFA World Cup some years ago. Instant cred.
That is until everyone remembered Martin’s performance at the Logies, and considering that A Current Affair winning an award for journalism was seen as less of an atrocity than the evening’s musical entertainment, realised that they may want to spend the minutes leading up to the game doing something more enjoyable.
Like paying $23.75 for a hot dog and small coke.
3. The officials
Geez, the players bust their gut all season but you just know that on the big day that the men in pink are going to blow too many penalties, not keep the ten, let the players lie in the ruck, miss blatant cheap shots, go soft, blow not enough penalties and cost a team the match.
Any doubt about this perished like South Sydney’s bandwagon when Sonny Bill ‘Tom Brady’ Williams successfully threw for nine yards on the second down for the tri-colours on Saturday night without any of the refs blinking.
And speaking of the great man…
4. The Sonny Bill Williams documentaries
I watched a great documentary on ESPN about the NFL’s Manning family on the weekend, it was moving stuff.
Perhaps the best thing about it was that I hadn’t seen it nine times before.
Short of rifling through Sonny Bill Williams’s wheelie bin on a Tuesday night (I tried to but some curly red haired bloke had beat me to it) there is nothing else I could possibly know about the man, thanks largely to Channel Nines adoration of him.
With grand final day a doco-a-thon you just know there are going to be enough softly spoken Sonny Soliloquies to pad out an entire rained out Ashes series, and unless the (admittedly very impressive) man bowls a perfect 300 game or jumps a motor bike over the Opera House wearing nothing but John Rheinberger’s 1975 grand final socks this week, then we’ve seen it all before.
5. Your team didn’t make it
Probably the best reason not to watch the premiership decider is that your team was too crap to make it there.
As was your second team. And your wife’s team. And late season bandwagon.
Why should you watch two thieves of joy parade around lapping up all the attention?
This isn’t the election, there is no third party lunatic obese billionaire to root for, and by even viewing the contest you may subliminally begin to side with one of your mortal enemies.
Pretend you are walking along the beach past a grossly unattractive couple making out, and just don’t look.
But, perhaps more importantly, there is one reason why you should watch the game on Sunday.
That is, that it will be an absolute ding dong contest between two tough as nails rugby league teams going hell for leather on the game’s biggest stage.
I sure will be.
As soon as I work out what time it starts.
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