More intense click bait than A-League expansion, Melbourne Heart advice and a lingerie football photo blog, it’s some amateur’s crack at being Ange Postecoglou (which immigrant hipster would be Greek anyway? That’s so many boat people ago).
Postecoglou has staunchly suggested that to make Brazil, players must play.
However, in the world of the football hipster, Wellington Phoenix are champions, FK Austria are better than Manchester United and the Red and Black Bloc are serving a suspended sentence.
Playing football has little to do with one’s footballing ability. Wearing Nike ironically, playing for a team you didn’t know existed and still can not pronounce carry more weight than playing.
Henceforth, completely abandoning those rules, anyone playing in Asia but not in the A, K or J League can’t come to Brazil. Playing in the A-League and not carving every week (or playing/living in Western Sydney) won’t get you a ticket or a jersey.
So, in the football hipsters XI we can cut Lucas Neil, Mark Bresicano, Matthew Spiranovic, Ryan McGowan, Alex Brosque, Joshua Kennedy, Brett Holman, Aaron Mooy, David Carney, Jade North, Sasa Ognenovski, Dino Đulbic, Erik Paartalu and Tomi Jurić.
Go play for New Zealand or Fortuna Dusseldorf and you might get a call back, via pigeon or letter in a bottle. Mooy, Juric, Spiranovic, your bottle will be opened over your head at the Rooty Hill RSL.
Style of play
Nonchalant for the entire 90 minutes, winning possession is more important than winning three points in tournament we’re never going to win.
No strikers, centre forwards or target men. I want the Craig Foster with tight pants and a stain and the eccentric neanderthal Robbie Slater self-inflicted head injury.
Sweeper keepers, overlapping full backs and false nine and a halves.
Goalkeepers
The most important skill a goalkeeper can have is the no look throw to the left wing back who can’t speak English or a step over from a back pass. Rather concede a goal than a corner.
Mat Ryan (starter), Mitch Langerak and Danny Vukovic.
Ryan plays for Club Brugge and his coach said: “When Ryan has the ball at his feet it’s like we have a number 10 in goal”. Excellent, perfectly describes the abilities needed for a World Cup Goalkeeper.
Langerak does bench for Borussia Dortmund but they were a wet dream two or three years ago – maybe if he gets a transfer to Athletic Bilbao, AS Roma or plays for Real Madrid ironically.
Danny Vuković punched a referee and looks just as capable in goals as he would at fullback for the Wallabies or as full forward from yesteryear for Collingwood.
Defenders
Right back have to have the weird ability to control the ball, left back should dribble with the outside of his football, knocking it forward softly and the centre backs need to be, in the words of Sir Alex Ferguson: “A defender who can defend nonchalantly, take a touch and pass to someone from the Baltics”.
Starters
Ivan Franič, Rhys Williams, Bailey Wright (plays for Preston in Football League One), Michael Zullo.
Bench
Michael Thwaite, Luke Wilkshire, Jason Davidson, Alex Wilkinson
Midfielders
In a perfect world, Australia play 4-6-0. Four defenders shielding the goal, with six players interchanging on a way to goal.
I’m content with a 2012 Euros-esque Spain, 13/14 Serie Roma, or a Swansea City line-ups.
They’re are playing the best midfields in the world in the group stage, Chile have brilliant football hipster’s tactics, Spain players are from Spain and the Netherlands invented football in 1972.
The Socceroos will need to be able to pass, dribble and step over. However they also need to have German haircuts and playing for teams that stress the importance of an Umlaut.
Starters
Right wing Thomas Oar, meeting four of the required five (no Umlaut).
Left wing Robbie Kruse with again four out five, he needs to get Marco Reus’ haircut and can be captain.
Holding midfielders are so generic, however we have to play them because Spain are World Champions, So James Holland nails that spot because he’s definitely using sarcasm when he doesn’t move past halfway, also has five/five.
The three midfielders in front are Tom Rogić, Oliver Bozanić, Dario Vidošić because we’re probably going to lose anyway, may as well roulette past Xavi, nutmeg Nigel de Jong, step over until absolute futility in front of Arturo Vidal and they all have a ‘ć’.
On the bench would be Joshua Brillante (beard!), Mile Jedinak, Jackson Irvine (captains Celtics U20s!), Tim Cahill (because Fox Sports have the television rights), Mitch Nichols and Mathew Leckie.
How would the football hipsters XI go?
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