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Alright, Hawthorn – just put it away, will you? We know you’re on the winners’ list. Make a bit of room for the guys in the McDonald’s uniforms and the big bloke with the polo mallet.
We’ve seen enough from the brown and gold. Get that scoreline out of here, it’s obscene. A hundred and forty-disgusting, more like it. This isn’t a Roman orgy, Hawthorn, whatever you’ve seen at Jeff Kennett’s parties.
How many goals was that? Twenty-seven. Sure, that’s reasonable. How many of your guys kicked four? Four. Have you been subliminally sponsored by Land Rover? No worries that you lost the deal with Mt Franklin, he’s gone to water since.
You think you have something to prove, but when you drag in something so gaudy and prance about like you own the town, you’re embarrassing me, you’re embarrassing your mother, you’re embarrassing St Kilda, and you’re letting down that nice Mr McLachlan who wants all teams to be equal.
If I’ve correctly grasped the new AFL boss’ ascension plan, the best players in any given week will now be redistributed to losing teams for the following round. Little Ablett destroys the Roos for Gold Coast, then might pull on the blue stripes next time round to help them tackle the Lions.
McLachlan reckons this will keep the concept of loyalty fluid, and ensure team identity is about the jumper, not the cult of celebrity that several celebrity magazines tell us is bad.
As far as this week’s winners go, big Gill already scooped the life lottery when he was born eldest son to a 19th-century pastoralist family, dodged the name handed to his brother Banjo, then developed a fondness for polo and chilling out in big houses in Toorak. His supplementary numbers have delivered him the top job of the AFL while he’s still young enough to push journalists in front of trains, should that prove necessary.
Speaking of Ablett, his team were the massive, colossal, gigantic, possibly overhyped winners this week. Fittingly, the Coasters cleaned up the table, spanking the Shinboners to steal their spot in fifth.
There’ll be plenty of bluster about them being the real deal, but the win was significant. First, it was their breakthrough win at Docklands Stadium. Second, we know North can blow hot and cold as a motel hair dryer, but they’re a quality side that should stroll home against expansion clubs.
Third, when the Roos came back hard, Gold Coast withstood. At one point they led by seven goals, saw the Roos bring it back to less than one, but held their nerve to kick it back past seven. They were also very accurate on goal.
Gold Coast will rest up with the bye, then play the Bulldogs, St Kilda and Adelaide. Make them 8-2 heading into the back half of the season, then you’ll deserve to talk finals.
I know they were only playing Brisbane, but Sydney were big winners too – they needed a thumping to find their way into some form. Like the people of Moses getting tired of cutting laps through the desert, the Swans have returned to their spiritual home in the top eight. Fremantle’s derby win, meanwhile, let them steady in sixth.
And then there was Melbourne. Hell yeah, everybody loves an underdemon. Football’s own crash-test dummies were rendered animate when from outer space a spotty man brought them to life with his cosmic dust. Roosy’s rockets have a different meaning.
They built a six-goal lead over Adelaide, gave it back, then held on by three points. Given they hadn’t won in South Australia since 2001, it’s a shame I already used my Biblical wilderness joke. (We’re only licenced for a certain number per month from AAP.)
And so to the big losers. Richmond probably weren’t tipped by many, but I always had the feeling that the Tiges would bounce back hard against Geelong after a poor show against Hawthorn.
Unfortunately that only happened after giving up a 35-point lead, and despite roaring back into the game in the second half they lost by under a goal. It was a massive hit, their record now slumped to 2-5, while the Cats got a boost ahead of road trips to Fremantle and Sydney.
Adelaide were massive losers too: having worked to establish some credibility with three straight wins, they lost a wheel going over the AFL’s speed bump. Last week they’d climbed to a spot just outside the eight on percentage, now they’re back to 11th and a game behind.
West Coast’s freefall, meanwhile, spans first to ninth, having lost four in a row after winning three, and North Melbourne’s tale may be the sorriest, dropping from fifth to eighth with a loss that a contender should never allow. It leaves their top-four ambitions very distant indeed.
Finally, in a literal sense, St Kilda were the biggest losers of all, having never been beaten so heavily by their particular opponent. (Look, we’ve given those guys enough column space already.)
The less said, the better. St Kilda managed four goals in a match of football, apparently channelling most of their percentage to a Liberal party slush fund on the New South Wales central coast. I didn’t realise 67 was legally possible.
This comes after losing to the hapless Lions last week, and that after such a promising start to the season. Refer the case to the Independent Commission for Absolute Crap.