Since we have a breather before the final four games of the 2014 FIFA World Cup, it gives us a chance to look at some of the best stories to have come out of Brazil in the last month.
But because we’re sick of stupid biting jokes, this column is a Suarez-free zone.
Bans on bedroom activities, $15,000-a-night accommodation, giant tarantula invasions and some unique Brazilian birth control are just some of the stories that make the list.
German Efficiency
Brazil is a lot of things. It is the spiritual heart of football, humid, home to beautiful beaches, the Amazon rainforest and above all, chaotic like no other place on Earth.
Naturally that wasn’t going to sit well with the Germans. So to insulate themselves somewhat from the beat of the samba drums Germany simply built themselves a retreat.
But not just any retreat. The custom-built eco-resort with a €25 million price tag is home to 23 players, 33 coaches, doctors, videologists, physios, IT boffins and chefs, as well as 20 tonnes (about the same as 13 BMW 3 Series) of imported European equipment.
And after the tournament? The patriotic German investor who funded the base camp intends to run it as an eco-tourism resort with the option to bunk in the same room that Mesut Oezil or Lukas Podolski slept in. At $3000 a night.
South American Contraband
Smuggling questionable substances into South America isn’t exactly a new story, but Uruguay managed to add their own twist. On arriving in Brazil, the local customs officials had a tip-off about some suspicious performance-enhancing substances on board the team plane.
The offending illegal imports? Dulce de leche, a rich chocolate dessert confection native to South America. The Uruguayans clearly didn’t rate Brazilian cooking. They’d brought 40 kilograms worth with them. Insert your own Suarez joke here.
Adult Content
We’re all adults here (mostly), so we’re going to talk about… well, you’ll figure it out. Each of the teams arriving in Brazil had different theories about whether sex before matches was likely to help or hinder their chances.
The Russians, Mexicans and Bosnian and Herzegovinians all explicitly banned any shenanigans before games. The results of those three teams might suggest that the ban doesn’t exactly work as desired.
Host nation Brazil gets the practicality award for allowing sex, but encouraging that players refrain from anything that could be described as acrobatic.
And for those teams who are happy to let players… well, you know… there is the latest piece of World Cup merchandise. Apparently more than two million World Cup themed condoms have been sold since the tournament kicked off.
The best sellers are decked out in the colours of the national flag. But the real selling point is that they taste like the national drink called Caipirinha: a potent mix of sugar cane liquor, sugar and lime. If they’re still around in two year’s time for the Olympics then there’s a fortune to be made.
Brazilian Bed and Breakfast
Former World Cup hero Ronaldinho may not be earning millions on the pitch anymore by scoring goals for Brazil, but he still knows how to earn some coin.
He has listed his luxury house up for rent on accommodation sharing website Airbnb for a lazy $15,000 a night. No word if the price includes the grinning and dreadlocked former striker being around in the mornings to fry you up some bacon and eggs.
Spiderman
Tim Cahill’s wonder strike in the Netherlands game made him the best known Australian in the World Cup, but it might surprise you that Ben Halloran was the second most covered by the world media. Sadly it was not his footballing skills but his roommate that caught the attention of the world.
His photo of a tarantula that could have comfortably been an extra on the Harry Potter movie set caught the attention of the Canadian, Brazilian, American and British press. No word on whether Ben’s been seen since.
Over to you Roarers, which story has caught your attention or made you laugh from the last month of the FIFA World Cup?
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