With the AFL and NRL regular seasons now completed, it’s the time of year where clubs start tallying the numbers and engraving the trophies for their end of season awards.
So, in honour of those who’ve done the most for their respective sports over the past year, here a bunch of my post-season award winners.
Biggest Sook Award: Robbie Farah
When the Tigers’ so-called leader faced a bit of criticism in the media instead of copping it sweet he threw his toys out of the pram and decided to stay at home in favour of going to training for a few days.
Not one to dwell on past failures, since his self-imposed absence he’s led the Tigers to five consecutive losses. Based on his performance, he’s a shoe-in for captain of the year too.
Biggest Grub Award: Reece Conca
You filthy human being. State governments across Australia are currently pouring tons of money and effort into ‘Coward Punch’ and ‘Safe Night Out’ strategies and the genius that is Reece Conca shows that you don’t need to have imbibed half a keg to have a brain explosion.
His strike to the back of the head of GWS’ Devon Smith was the lowest act on a footy field this year. The judiciary giving him only two weeks was one of the lowest acts off it. Weak all round.
‘A for Effort’ Participation Award: The Socceroos
Despite no one holding out any real hope of success, didn’t the nation feel a collective warm fuzzy one thanks to the Socceroos display in Brazil. Whether it was fighting back against Chile or snatching a lead against the Dutch, the boys in gold, led by the evergreen Tim Cahill and his majestic forehead (and left boot), made us again all proud to passionately follow soccer once every four years.
‘Henry Rowengartner’ Rookie of the Year Award: Nick Kyrgios
Technically, Kyrgios debuted at the Australian Open in 2012 but if ever there was a sport in Australia in dire need of a breakthrough figurehead it was tennis. With little Leyton begrudgingly forced to transform from teenage upstart to elder statesman, the nation had to try and come to terms with Bernard Tomic carrying the flag as the new great hope.
The nation sensibly passed on that option..
Enter Nick Kyrgios, a young bloke who embodies all that Australia ever really wants in an athlete: a sense of humour, a laidback attitude, and the ability to actually win matches. If you haven’t been won over by young Nick yet, his latest Bonds ad with the great man Pat Rafter is sure to change your mind.
‘Tourism Australia’ Best Place to Live in Australia Award: The winner is… Siddanee!
It’s been a 2014 to remember for blue baggers: stopping the Origin streak, breaking the Super Rugby drought, the Swans likely champions, the top four teams in the NRL comp. This year, no one can boast more success than the folks living in the capital of NSW.
Hopefully, highlight their winning ways does enough to sufficiently mock any future glory days for them.
‘Ron Burgundy’ Journo of the Year Award: Gorden Tallis
Perennial front-runner Danny Weidler gave it a crack this year but couldn’t quite live up to last year’s handling of the Ben Teo non-story. Caroline Wilson’s also came close with her ongoing holy mission to destroy Essendon but the winner of this year’s award is the non-journalist himself, Gordie Tallis.
The Raging Bull was in fine form this year revealing Robbie Farah’s comments in relation to Tigers coach Mick Potter. Despite not actually being a journalist, Tallis’ ability to throw the proverbial molotov into the Tigers fibre sharehouse takes the cake.
‘Ron Barassi’ Coach of the Year Award: Eric Hollingsworth
Named after the king of the spray, this year’s award goes to Hollingsworth, Athletics Australia’s own verbal firebrand. Not content with waging an ongoing public slanging match with Sally Pearson – Australia’s current most successful track and field athlete – Hollingsworth decided to go out in a blaze of ill-conceived glory by giving it to Pearson the night before her event at the Commonwealth Games.
The post-script to that spray: Sally wins her race, Hollingsworth ends up looking like a small man and his job prospects shorten to coaching the Uzbekistani athletics team. Well played sir.
Fleetwood Mac Go Your Own Way Comeback Kid Award: Rory McIlroy
Earlier this year Rory McIlroy was struggling for form and results. That was until he announced that his engagement to tennis star Caroline Wozniacki had been called off. I wouldn’t dare guess at what happened behind closed doors, but McIlroy’s results following the disbanding of Wozzilroy speak for themselves.
They were: winning PGA Championships at Wentworth and Valhalla, the Open at Royal Liverpool, and the World Golf Championship. It seems bachelor Rory is swinging free and easy and finding all the right holes these days. For what it’s worth, young Caroline isn’t doing too badly after the split either!
Did That Happen or Did I Dream It Award: Sochi Winter Olympics
Apparently the Winter Olympics took place this year. Australians flicked over to the superb coverage offered by Channel Ten – who continue to kick programming goals – and promptly switched off. Sochi had a snowflake’s chance in hell of making an impact on the Australian sporting psyche.
Between the in-fighting about funding, underwhelming performance of athletes and general Russian-ness of the games, Ten was always on a hiding to nothing. On the plus side, Sochi did allow the world a glimpse at the wonder that is curling.
Honourable mention goes to Corey Parker’s boomerang conversion attempt.
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