After the first Test defeat against South Africa, things looked grim for Australian cricket fans. Luckily, the Australian team managed to sink to startling new depths, losing by an innings and 80 runs in the second Test to make the previous week’s effort look positively stoic by comparison.
Here are the ratings for the second Test.
Bannerman’s record
Grade: A-
Charles Bannerman’s record for the highest proportion of runs by an individual in a completed Test innings is the oldest one in Test cricket. Bannerman made 165 out of 245 runs (67.3%) in the first ever Test match and that proportion is yet to be beaten
But Steve Smith and his Amazing Collapsing Teammates gave it a fine shake in the first innings of this Test, with Smith making 48 not out in a total of 85 (56.5%).
The proportion came even closer to Bannerman’s record early on in the innings when the batsmen departed cheaply all around him. Dave Warner nicked off to go watch cartoons. Adam Voges went for a golden duck as part of his ongoing bid to finally show some respect to Donald Bradman. And, of course, Callum Ferguson ran himself out on Test debut much to the televised disappointment of his brother (Bad call, um, bad Callum).
However, Joe Mennie, selected for his handy number eight batting, made 10 runs before being dismissed to completely ruin Smith’s shot at Bannerman’s record.
Selfish from Joe. The first mistake of Mennie.
Stuart Broad
Grade: A+
Over in India, meanwhile, Stuart Broad was playing his hundredth Test. And what a thoughtful gift it was from the Australians to do their best to reenact for him the scene of his finest ever bowling figures – the 8/15 he took as they collapsed for 60 at Trent Bridge last year.
Even the South Africans got into it, with Kyle Abbott reenacting Broad’s famous hands-over-the-mouth shellshocked ‘Broadface’ as Australian wickets continued to tumble.
Vernon Philander had his own unique tribute, running backwards into Steve Smith while appealing and being forced to leave the field injured. What a clever way to demonstrate why Broad’s technique of always ignoring the umpire when you appeal is correct.
Congratulations, Stuart Broad, on your hundredth Test, you magnificent legend.
Damien Martyn
Grade: D
Day 2 was easily Australia’s best day of the series, with interminable rain meaning not a single ball was bowled. A good thing too, because South Africa already had twice as many runs for half as many wickets after just the first day.
Australia’s sole chance to get back into the Test was to somehow redefine it as a World Cup semi-final as soon as possible. Luckily, they had plenty of time to push that idea through proper ICC channels on the second day as they watched Nine’s replay of the Great Damien Martyn Scapegoat Test™ of 1994.
Perhaps the only downside of watching that Test was the sight of Steve Randell umpiring. Can’t we get George Lucas to replace him with somebody less ghastly like Jar Jar or something?
Unluckiness
Grade: F
As the Test resumed on Day 3, Quinton de Kock went on to make a century, with the Australians nobly refusing to take any half-chances that came their way. Full chances or nothing was their philosophy. Never compromise. Not even in the face of armageddon.
Instead, Australia’s main tactic seemed to be to let all the South Africans make centuries so they would then lose concentration and their wicket. Silly old de Kock fell into this trap but the rest of his teammates avoided it as they set up a 241-run lead.
Australia’s second dig was defined by unluckiness. At least, if the Nine commentators were to be believed. First, Joe Burns unluckily edged one down leg side to be caught behind in the first over. Then Warner unluckily hit a ball onto his elbow and his stumps. The next morning, Usman Khawaja unluckily edged behind after just his sixth or seventh near miss. Voges and Ferguson? Unluckily hit it to the slips while trying to not hit it at all. And so on and so forth.
Overall, just very unlucky indeed to be so much less good at playing cricket than their opposition. Imagine the odds!
State-based paranoia
Grade: B
And so as Australia slid to inevitable defeat, we moved into my favourite stage of Australian cricket collapse – state-based paranoia and finger-pointing from fans.
Who’s to blame for the demise in the national team? Obviously, it’s the age-old selection bias towards New South Wales players.
To be fair, this isn’t actually paranoia from the other states. It is, in fact, perfectly true. I’m from New South Wales and I can confirm that we have regular meetings about denying the other states their fair representation in the national side all the time. We get together and laugh and laugh and laugh at all the other states’ players, then vote on which NSW player we’re going to unjustifiably promote next.
I just hope we choose even more Blues for the next Test. I’m going to the second day of it and am currently a bit concerned it’ll all be over by the time I get there.
This series’ twelfth and final team has a distinct West Indian flavour at the top of the order, and a domineering captain.
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