Richard Kettleborough, widely recognised as the best cricket umpire of his generation, has reportedly been hired as a bouncer at the notorious Sydney nightclub, STI.
It’s believed that his hawk-like eyesight and ability to make the correct decision while fully grown men scream in his face were crucial in his selection.
Head of security, Johnathon Antonopolous, was glowing in his assessment of the Englishman’s trial shift.
“He’s doing things we’ve never seen before – normally we just ask them how many they’ve had and if they say anything other than ‘just three (drinks) with dinner, mate’ then we kick them out,” he said.
“But he just looks them up and down, doesn’t even say a word – and he knows right away.”
Kettleborough said he was surprised by all the praise from his colleagues.
“Look, they think I’ve got this magic power, but basically if you turn away any guy wearing a white belt, or with his initials carved into the side of his head, you know there’s a 98% chance he’s a dropkick.”
But despite this, just the mere presence of the Sheffield native seems to be a calming influence on Sydney’s streets.
The Roar spoke to visibly inebriated 18-year-old, Thomas Cavanagh, who’d just been denied entry by the international umpire.
“Yeah look, deadset I was about to blow my lid.
But when I realised it was Kettleborough I thought, ‘Ah yep, everyone knows the great man never makes a bad decision – probably best I call stumps early and head back to the pavilion.’
There are also unconfirmed reports that the umpire has been offering unsolicited romantic advice to the young men and women at the club – advising them if they should ‘have a crack and throw the bat at it’, or ‘let this one through to the keeper’.
A number of other cricket umpires had reportedly applied for the job. Controversial Australian Darrell Hair for example, had to be removed from his position during the trial for his excessively rough treatment of patrons.
It’s believed his penchant for ‘No-Balling’ club-goers meant he unintentionally clothes-lined several innocent bystanders.
Mr Antonopolous thinks the hiring of the 43-year-old is one of the best things that’s ever happened to STI.
“It’s absolutely remarkable, he can spot them from a mile away.
Just the other night Warney, he’s a regular here, was trying to force his way to the front of the line, asking everyone he pushed past whether they were thirsty.
But as soon as he got to the front of the line, Rich just stared him dead in the eye and raised his finger.
Watto was with him and wanted to appeal the decision – but Warney knew better. He just turned on a dime and headed to the Cas.”
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