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Another June is gone, and hopes of beating the All Blacks lie in ruins again.
Last year, even the British and Irish Lions couldn’t overcome Steve Hansen’s champions.
Maybe if we combined all the world’s best players – and have them in red-hot form – New Zealand could be beaten?
And perhaps that one-off Test would need to be adjudicated by Wayne Barnes, using nipple rules, with assistants Jaco Peyper (the mustachioed version) and a drunken Nigel Owens. The TMO would need to be Shaun Veldsman, but hooked up to malfunctioning earbuds.
The site? Sapporo, in the prefecture of Hokkaido; on a crisp clear day, with no rain, but on a sodden field.
When? Right after World coaches Joe Schmidt, Dave Rennie and Scott Robertson have had six weeks of camp with their team, and also after the All Blacks have enjoyed six weeks of nutrition from dodgy Saffa bunny chow chefs named Susie.
An esteemed ad hoc panel of rugby nitwits (Geoff Parkes, Diggercane, RobC, the real Rugby Tragic, Machooka, and I) pretended to watch every minute of every June Test (or just read the Wrap). We selected our form ‘non-All Black’ scratch team.
The rampaging redhead, Steven Kitshoff, who has swept all opposition aside in the last twelve months, anchors the left side of the World scrum. The only real competitor for the World No 1 jersey was his good friend and mentor, the very non-ginger Beast Mtawarira, who will be a rather handy reserve loosehead when the Ginja Ninja tires.
Hooker was one of our least agreed-to picks. Malcolm Marx or Bismarck du Plessis would have been handy. But alas, injury and Top14 money kept them out.
So, Gus Creevy will throw darts to giraffes R.G. Snyman, James Ryan, and Devin Toner. Can you imagine how good Creevy would be in between Kitshoff and our world tighthead, Tadhg Furlong? (World reserve hooker Niall Scannell will probably also know how to find the nearly unbeaten Ryan and skyscraper Toner in the last quarter’s lineouts).
Furlong was one of the handful of unanimous selections: he hits rucks at knee height, he cannot be bent, and his motor is fully charged. His understudy is Taniela Topou, a nightmare to tackle and real impact player if there ever was one.
Taniela Tupou on the charge. (Image: Sportography)
Diggercane was not impressed by the World front row: “The communication between Kitschoff, Creevy and Furlong would be like a bad 80s comedy with plenty of wild arm movements, rude gesticulating and etchosketch.” He might be right.
The locks, as stated, are the discovery of June, Snyman, and the two big hard-working Irishmen.
The World loose trio is a lethal mixture of the best in the business, with a youthful fire: David Pocock and young Tom Curry will rule the breakdown against any team, but they have a trump card: Duane ‘Thor’ Vermeulen. CJ Stander will provide the lift off the bench, and he and Thor will do the victory braai, too. The unluckiest June star was Pieter-Steph du Toit, who might have been a better bench selection than Stander, but the numbers don’t lie.
Dave Pocock. (AAP Image/Tracey Nearmy)
Diggercane took a look at the World loose trio and pronounced:
“It looks like three great names on paper but Pocock, Vermuelen and Curry sounds like poor fusion mix of African, European and Asian delicacies leading to a rather unappealing lineout, all the linking ability of a public transport system and would be too easy for the All Blacks to isolate and eliminate Pocock from the ruck, as they have done before.”
I don’t know. I think the All Blacks’ rather slow and polite loose trio might be simple non-fusion Kiwi lamb led to the slaughter.
In the backline, the World team will have field generals Conor Murray and Jonny Sexton presiding over proceedings, with Faf de Klerk as the energiser bunny off the bench.
In the midfield, we had almost no agreement on either position. Perhaps this is why Handre Pollard was picked out of position, at 12. He will also slide over to flyhalf in the last quarter, if needed. The player who most resembles Conrad Smith in never making a mistake fills the most difficult position in modern rugby: Robbie Henshaw at 13. Reserves Kurtley Beale and Wes Fofana provide the wise World coaches plenty of versatility in the midfield or in the back.
The starting wings are Israel Folau and Jonny May: speed, aerial superiority, and finishing. At fullback, the sly fox, the Wasp ghost, the man who finds the seam, Willie le Roux; who could definitely set Folau and May free down awkward channels. He even did it with rookies.
Diggercane differed: “In the back three in Le Roux, Folau and May you have all the offensive qualities you could hope for, speed, footwork, creativity and aerial supremacy but for the life of me I doubt any of them would make it anywhere near a tackle and Israel won’t be able to perform on the wing as Maria will get upset and will tweet about it.”
World Team: Kitshoff, Creevy, Furlong, Snyman, Ryan, Pocock, Curry, Vermeulen (c), Murray, Sexton, Folau, Pollard, Henshaw, May, le Roux. Bench: Scannell, Mtwarira, Tupou, Toner, Stander, de Klerk, Beale, Fofana.
(Besides PSDT, the unlucky non-selections were Melbourne Mafi, Michael Hooper, Teddy Thomas, Jacob Stockdale, Elliot Daly, and Franco Mostert; but all would be in the squad, training in Japan, in case of injury).
Why no Welshmen? Simple. Wales does not beat New Zealand in rugby union football.
The World would face this formidable All Black team: Joe Moody, Codie Taylor, Owen Franks, Sam Whitelock (c), Scott Barrett, Liam Squire, Sam Cane, Luke Whitelock, Aaron Smith, Damian McKenzie, Rieko Ioane, Ryan Crotty, Anton Lienert-Brown, Ben Smith, Jordie Barrett. Reserves would be Nathan Harris, Karl Tu’inukuafe, Ofa Tu’ungafasi, Vaea Fifita, Ardie Savea, TJ Perenara, Richie Mo’unga, and Ngani Laumape.
RobC and I were the only ones on the panel who saw the All Blacks beaten.
Machooka thought our World 23, chosen from the June Tests, a “remarkable team on paper.” Machooka wondered, though: “But does a team on paper beat a team as almighty (and real) as the current ABs? Methinks probably not.” He pointed to the “combos and chemistry of this present AB machine” but noted the World midfield could have a chance, post-Nonu/Conrad.
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Machoooka reckoned the World Team has a “pretty tasty front row, although a lot uglier than the glorious ABs, at scrum time the non-ABs might have a real hot go.”
Rugby Tragic was generous to the World.
“The assembled 23 had a good, June Test series in the Southern Hemisphere with their respective teams, some new talent has emerged, none better than Snyman who, in spite of the locks unavailable for South Africa for the June Tests, looks to have a long future with the Springboks. Drawn together from the June internationals, while very good players in their own right, the World lack the combinations to compete with the June All Blacks. Plenty of tries would be scored, both have back-lines with impressive strike power.” But he doubted the World could score the requisite 30 points to beat the All Blacks.
Rugby Tragic saw the back-row battle as the World’s edge. “Luke Whitelock is tradesmanlike, but would be hard pressed to control Vermeulen. But one man alone will not beat the New Zealand side, ever (though Malcolm Marx came close in Newlands in 2017).”
Overall, Rugby Tragic did not believe the June World team are as strong as the Lions team who toured and drew last year.
The expert Geoff Parkes found the World team individually worthy, deserving selection, but “collectively they are merely deckchairs on the Titanic that is any thrown together assemblage that cannot possibly hope to beat the world champion All Blacks.”
He found the World pack abrasive: “it will be hard to wear down, and the backline is solid, but without the try scoring power to match what the AB’s will put on them.”
Diggercane felt the World team was “such a hodge podge of skillsets that I cannot see how it would bring about any decent level of cohesion.” For instance, he thought “Snyman and Ryan have the makings of a good pair but their raw greenness will eventually show through as their puppy excitement wears out over three matches, the greater experience of the All Black pair their trump card.”
Diggercane: “I have to ask, where will the points come from? They will rely on a pack that can keep the All Blacks under wraps but I cannot see how that will happen. We know the All Blacks will score points, where will Murray and Sexton conjure up points from? Is Poite a referee? Where? There was little evidence from the recent Irish series and nor do I feel there is the same defensive ability within this squad as the Lions last season. There just isn’t enough points there.”
RobC did not think it was that controversial. “World wins.” He thought the World’s front rows had the edge on the All Blacks, particularly in the closing stanza.
He reckoned the World’s locks were underrated, and the power and skill of the World’s loosies would give the All Blacks all kinds of problems. For RobC, he thought Fofana could be the closer the World needed.
But for RobC, it was not a matter of comparing and ranking players.
“Coaching, coaching, coaching. Joe Schmidt is Hannibal and Dave Rennie is Alexander the Great. Or maybe the other way around.”
Are the All Blacks unbeatable? (AAP Image/SNPA, Dianne Manson)
I see the World and the All Blacks bashing each other to a pulp, with a few line breaks for both teams, finished by both sides at about 50 per cent, a 25-25 or so scoreline as the game entered the final quarter, and thus, a tense finale. But who is the All Blacks’ sharpshooter?
The World has the Sextant, the Sexy Slotter, the Coxswain of Cork, the Paris Punisher, with a pretty decent Pollard as a backup from 50+. I wouldn’t put too much money on Macca or Jordie taking the burger and fries on a kick for it all.
What say you, Roarers?
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.