In what is quickly becoming a recurring observation for season 2023, we had another excellent round of highly entertaining matches.
Unfortunately, it was Cronulla who decided to ruin it by dishing out the first flogging of the season (we will overlook the Bulldog’s Round 1 performance).
It’s hard to reconcile Nicho Hynes as a great bloke when he insists on inflicting abject misery on his unsuspecting victims after giving everyone a three-week head start on the Dally M ladder.
Anyway, we aren’t here to talk about the football so on to this week’s Memorable Moments.
Ricky Stuart entered crisis talks with Raiders officials this week following Royce Hunt’s bombshell revelation that Corey Horsburgh is a weak-gutted dog.
Stuart, who famously led K-9 recognition initiatives across the NRL, was stunned at the news and disappointed the club hadn’t acted sooner.
“Look, we’re still trying to establish Corey’s breed. The boys think cavoodle but I reckon he’s a mixa(sic)” Stuart said to journalists. Raiders staff have confirmed Horsburgh is receiving regular walks and plenty of belly rubs.
The Newcastle Knights have taken the drastic action of dispatching Kalyn Ponga to Canada to help address his ongoing concussion issues.
Club Holistic Health Coordinator, Andrew Johns, who was awarded the keys to Newcastle twice after misplacing the first set, explained: “We know the problem for Kalyn is he gets his head to close to the action. Canada is what 5,000, maybe 10,000km from the nearest footy match and ever since the Toronto Wolfpack folded it’s become a very safe place for players”.
In a surprise move, the West Tigers have engaged David Copperfield to help unlock Luke Brooks. Copperfield, a world-famous escape artist, was somewhat perturbed when unable to locate any padlocks, chains or safes attached to the star half.
Assistant coach Benji Farah indicated Copperfield was aiming to give fans the illusion of an attacking threat from the Wests Tigers backline. The Australian Institute of Locksmiths declined to comment.
Jonah Pezet is tackled. (Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
Rumblings have started to emerge from The Burrow following the Rabbitohs’ golden-point win over Manly. In a manufactured story the equal of anything you’ll hear on Fox Sports, senior players are disgruntled that the winning dropkick was made by young playmaker Lachlan Ilias.
Coach Jason Demetriou was quick to explain, stating that the club has several players with contract clauses ensuring they have first claim on match-winning headlines. Demetriou claimed attributed blame to the NRL, with players feeling uncomfortable with the lack of an endorsed CBA.
A Craig Bellamy decree has caused confusion amongst the Storm playing group. Following last week’s surprise loss to David Fifita, players were threatened with one-way tickets unless effort levels improve.
Befuddled players enquired if they could have the window seat, if their parking be validated and where excess baggage would be included. Others were excited, equating the tickets with a Qantas Mystery Flight. One senior player was heard to ask if tickets terminate at Bondi or Redcliffe.
Climate activists are blaming extreme weather events in New Zealand on the Warriors’ strong early season form. The activists note that it’s dangerous enough bringing thousands of supporters together in one place.
However, the team playing well causes the audience to cheer, releasing untold amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. Activists are busily organising a legal challenge to prevent the Round 7 clash against North Queensland, citing New Zealand’s proposed new laws to tax cow burps.
Legendary pundit Gus Gould has declared Tom Trbojevic the most offensive player in today’s game. “When you look at the great players, they’re elusive, they leave you baffled, grasping for thin air.
Take a James Tedesco, he makes you work hard, he’s constantly challenging you but once you get past the ‘T’, the ‘E’ and the ‘D’ you can really get at him. Tom though, he can really hurt you. If you’re lucky you get the ‘T’ and the ‘R’, but it’s anyone’s guess after that,” Gould explained.
(Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)
Adam Reynolds has spoken in shocking detail about how the Broncos are working through last year’s pain to improve in 2023.
In a wide-ranging and uplifting interview, Reynolds revaled “most of the team and I found last year deeply humiliating.
“What we didn’t know was some of the boys like that kind of stuff, you should see how they are with their missuses. We’ve pulled together as a group to try and work this out and Kevvie is working overtime to factor humiliation into the winning experience.”
Following their intense, last gasp win over the Panthers, the Eels have reignited efforts to build depth in their front row stocks.
During the post-match presser, coach Brad Arthur confirmed that Eels success depends on Junior Paulo and Reagan Campbell-Gillard and that he needs to find a way to maximise their minutes.
“We want to find a couple of clones of Reagan and Junior. Since it worked ok with Dolly, we’ve reached out to that CRISPR mob in China and hopefully, we’ll have a couple copies of the boys in the back paddock by Christmas.”
Arthur was nonplussed regarding Mitchell Moses’ citing for a Grade 1 Reckless Captain’s Challenge, expecting it to be reduced to a Grade 5 Mildly Exploitative.
North Queensland’s erratic early season form has been blamed on the team slogan ‘win the game early, score the points late’.
Cowboys Thought Leader, Johnathan Thurston, explained “We knew we had a problem after Round 1 when the boys scored points early so weren’t sure what to do later.
“Todd Payten has run a series of team Q&A sessions, just to try and workshop what it means and what to do if the game doesn’t go to slogan.
“The boys are really starting to understand it now, some have even suggested we can have many slogans but let’s just take it a step at a time.”
The Bulldogs are investigating a disturbing spate of recent robberies that have club officials concerned they are being targeted by organised crime.
This weekend alone saw the team victimised by the Bunker, who stole an otherwise certain win over the Warriors.
However, The Kennel are incensed over news that Isaah Yeo has signed a new contract with Penrith, which the Bulldogs believe has robbed them of another pathways player.
(Photo by Phil Walter/Getty Images)
Dragons officials have leaked their disappointment that an official club statement was used to leak the news of coach Anthony Griffin reapplying for the job he already has.
This follows a review of Griffin’s original application by former chairman Craig Young, who identified discrepancies in Griffin’s character references.
An unnamed source stated: “We want to give Anthony a chance to correct the record, so the Board looks better during future reviews.” Renowned relationship coach and vitamin salesman, Michael Clarke, has offered to assist.
Confirming once again that on-field success is based on a good business model, Roosters supremo Nick Politis has announced a new agreement with Rugby Australia.
“Rugby have asked for some assistance with their player development,” said Politis. “So they’re giving us five or six of their best juniors each year, we’ll teach them how to play and then sell them back for two or three times market value. So far, it’s working well with Joseph Suaalii.”
When approached for comment, Wallabies coach Eddie Jones remarked “only five or six? Do they know we have a World Cup in 2027?”
In an unexpected twist, the Panthers’ modest early season form has negatively affected giant multinational Amazon.
Three early season losses have seen a drop in demand for Nathan Cleary Bobble Heads, with the excess supply clogging up warehouses and distribution centres across the nation.
However, the Panthers have challenged this claiming that sales have languished due to Amazon’s artists struggling to capture the nuisances of Cleary’s moustache.
The Titans loss this weekend was overshadowed by generational strike edge David Fifita saving his best showing in 18 months as part of the teams’ losing performance.
Retired hair model Corey Parker waxed lyrical about Fifita’s performance noting “Davey can do two things, he can run and he can pass. Today, he both ran and passed which sorts of counts as three things.”
In a next-level piece of applied analytics, Parker attributed Fifita’s strong performance as more instrumental in the Titan’s loss than injuries to Kieran Foran and AJ Brimson.
The NRL’s efforts to address CTE hit another stumbling block this week when Wayne Bennett failed to attend a media event.
The NRL was using the event to trial new protective headgear, with journalists wearing the enhanced tin foil hats recommended by the Wide World of Sports expert panel.
Bennett’s non-attendance was attributed to a misunderstanding, with the master coach applying a precautionary 11-day standdown to journalists.
Fortunately, a statement by veteran forward Jarrod Wallace resulted in ample trauma “We’re right in the position that we knew we could be, I mean, we thought we’d be near the top of the ladder if we just won every game,” said the prop.
Sir David Attenborough has called for urgent action following Cronulla’s thumping win over the Dragons.
Attenborough expects Cronulla to be more responsible and considerate of the environment when playing against a team coached by an endangered species.
Cronulla’s Director of Governance and Compliance, Andrew Fifita, said Cronulla are investigating new ways to demolish the opposition in a more ecologically sensitive manner.
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Dion Teaupa was also sin-binned for the infringement, but Val Holmes couldn't capitalise, only kicking one of the two conversions.
