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The Ashes is both a marathon and a sprint with five Tests jammed in over the next six weeks.
Commentators will be dishing out the cliches quicker than you can say “it’s all happening here”.
To help those of us not lucky enough to be at the grounds for the Ashes, The Roar has put together the definitive drinking game for the series.
The choice of beverage is yours but remember, alcohol can send you to sleep quicker and these matches go into the wee, small hours in Australia.
Channel Nine is the only place you can see the Ashes in Australia and they will have the likes of Mark Taylor, Ian Healy, Aaron Finch, Callum Ferguson and Steve O’Keefe calling the action.
Cameron Green. (Photo by Matt Roberts – CA/Cricket Australia via Getty Images)
Any mention of the slope at Lord’s. Let’s not go crazy here, it has to be worth one sip only because the commentators will rarely go an over or two without explaining it to the nth degree. Two sips if it gets an airing at one of the other Tests outside of the second match at Lord’s.
Bazball. If you create a word bubble from the commentary transcripts, this will be up there with wickets, runs and any other terms in the cricket glossary. Double sip if a commentator explains the origin of the term being due to Brendon McCullum’s nickname.
Broad vs Warner. Get ready for plenty of talk about the 2019 series and the English seamer’s successful around-the-wicket strategy. At least for as long as Warner stays in the team.
Marnus and Smith’s bromance. Commentators mentioning Labuschagne’s quirky adoration of his older teammate will get ample airtime. Two sips if there’s mention of the duo’s voracious appetite for net sessions.
Cameron Green’s height. This may have flown under the radar but he’s tall.
Travis Head’s strike rate. He scores quickly, in case you haven’t heard. Same rule applies with Harry Brook.
Dukes ball. You may not have noticed but this is the name of the brand of six-stitcher used in the UK. Double sips if the commentator goes in depth about the amount of lacquer as opposed to an Australian Kookaburra ball.
Wobble seam. The bowling jargon du jour.
Reverse swing. Commentators will start speculating on when the quicks will begin swinging the ball against the laws of physics each innings. Double sips if the following is uttered – sandpaper, mints, bottle tops, dirt in Atherton’s pocket.
Weather update. Particularly if the English climate is referred to as fickle. Extra sip of reference to overhead cloud cover being conducive to swing.
“Great advertisement for Test Cricket”. If this specific phrase is used or a commentator utters something along the lines of “this is what makes red ball cricket so special”.
Nice, Garry. Someone explains the genesis of Nathan Lyon’s nickname.
Pitch it up. Any time a commentator claims the bowlers are not pitching it up enough to get swing. Two sips if it’s a former fast bowler who made a career out of pounding the ball into the ribs of terrified batters.
Mentions of the “famous baggy green”. Double sip if it’s followed by Steve Waugh reminiscences about trips to Gallipoli or Wimbledon.
In fine voice. Any references to the Barmy Army’s chants or the trumpeter during a dull patch in play when it’s clear the commentators are looking for something to talk about.
Scott Boland’s average. This will be a source of fascination whenever he’s bowling. Double sip if the commentator mentions he’s in single figures for second-innings dismissals.
A lack of tour matches. This should die down as the series rolls on but in the first couple of Tests there will be more than the occasional reference to the players only having IPL or a bit of county cricket as part of their preparations.
Ian Botham’s 1981 Miracle of Headingley. Three sips if there’s a mention of DK Lillee and RW Marsh putting a few quid on the improbable comeback.
Ben Stokes’ 2019 Miracle of Headingley. Two sips if there’s a replay of the dreaded Nathan Lyon botched run-out or the Joel Wilson LBW clanger.
(Gareth Copley/Getty Images)
Reverse sweeps. An old-school analyst raises questions about the effectiveness of the reverse sweep even though it’s a stroke that most modern batters practice frequently and play with minimal risk. Double your sips if there’s specific mention of Mike Gatting getting out to the shot in the 1987 World Cup final or Alex Carey’s recent run of outs using this method.
The Gatting Ball. The 30-year anniversary of Shane Warne’s ball of the century rolled around recently. Double sips if they show the replay.
Rest in Power, King. Any reminder that Shane Warne was good at cricket (and that the Poms secretly loved him). Extra sip if Liz Hurley gets a mention.
Healy hoes into Poms. If Ian Healy forgets he’s commentating and slips back into wicketkeeper mode to have a sly dig in the ribs of the England team.
Roooooooot. When someone explains to the TV viewers that it sounds like everyone seems to boo Joe Root but they’re not.
That Gary Pratt. If a sub fielder does something and a commentator brings up the Ricky Ponting incident when he was run out in 2005.
Kasper’s unfriendly ghost of a dismissal. References to Michael Kasprowicz’s dismissal in 2005 which sealed a crucial two-run win to England. Extra sip if mention is made of his hand being off the bat so he was technically not out.
Naughty, naughty. If any commentator chuckles off mic or drops a deliberate double entendre when mentioning any combination of Tongue, Head, Root, Cummins or Wood.
Tour of duty. Vision is shown of an intoxicated or heavily hungover Jeff Thomson or Merv Hughes is shown while sitting among a touring group clad in matching green and gold kit.
The score reaches 2-222 – End of game – grab a bottle of scotch and pour some out for Richie Benaud.