Hewittmania is about to hit us this summer. But unlike Beatlemania, it won’t be a long and winding road. It will die as soon as he loses at the Australian Open. And it’s going to be as clichéd as television networks showing National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation on Christmas night.
First, we will hear the shocking news that Lleyton has a tough draw. Whether he actually has a tough draw or not is irrelevant. It’s the old don’t-get-the-country’s-hopes–up-so-that-he-exceeds-expectation trick (The Brits used to be the masters at it with Tim Henman at Wimbledon).
Then he will cruise through the opening rounds, dropping a couple of games against qualifiers from some country we’ve barely heard of.
Jim Courier will ask stupid questions, Hewitt will say “you know” a thousand times in press conferences, and Channel Seven will go into overdrive with promos and hyperbole about his chances of winning his home Grand Slam after coming so close in 2005.
On the arrival of his second child, magazines will swoop like vultures trying to get the first baby pics and editors will have a field day with the headlines.
Oh, I can see them now:
“HEWITT BORN AGAIN”, “HEWITT’S BACK BABY”, “CHILD’S PLAY”; or maybe “LLEYTON TAKES BABY STEPS IN HIS GRAND SLAM QUEST.”
But suddenly, in the third or fourth round, he comes up against a real tough opponent, possibly an Argentinian who we immediately hate because of that time Hewitt was spat at by another Argentinian.
He’s down two-sets to love.
Channel Seven is scared. Their audience is about to turn over to the cricket. They can’t show Bec Hewitt in the crowd because she’s in hospital after giving birth. Or can they?
Maybe a live cross to the maternity ward? No that would be going too far. They’ll save that for Today Tonight.
They have to revert to plan B – the failsafe.
John Alexander reminds viewers that the match isn’t over.
“Don’t change the channel because Hewitt has won from this position before. Remember, he came back from two-sets down against Federer in a Davis Cup match. And speaking of making a comeback, don’t forget to watch the all-new Dancing With The Stars in 2009 … so Hewitt, down break point. Or should I say Prison Break point?”
But alas, he loses. The guy who beats him probably goes on to the win the Open.
Hewitt will then conveniently slip in a mention that he carried an injury into the tournament and say how he is looking forward to the rest of the year.
We then madly rush to support the next underdog that has a desirable personality and aggressive playing style and who is not from England, New Zealand, South Africa, U.S.A. or any other country we can’t stand seeing succeed.
It was Tsonga last year, Gonzales before that, and, of course, our favourite, Marcos Baghdatis.
But it’s all a little boring now that no Aussies are in the mix. It’s no longer just about the tennis, it’s about the hotness of those European players: Ivanovic, Sharapova and Vaidisova.
Djokovic becomes a wanker, even though he has similar on-court mannerisms to our Lleyton, and the new Plexicushion surface will be criticised for being too slow, even though it was specifically changed to suit, you guessed it, our Lleyton.
Hewittmania will be over for another summer.
But it will be back again in 2010, just like National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.
Actually, I haven’t seen that for a while. I might just have to watch it this Christmas.
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