So there I was at a Sunday parish barbecue in a small New Zealand town just before Christmas. I was wearing my conspicuous original Queensland Reds number 19 jumper, given to me by my beloved friend Tom McVerry before he took off to Italy and Japan to earn vast amounts of money playing rugby.
It didn’t take long for someone to take the bait.
“Yeh, nucky nucky nuck nuck, All Blecks, werl cup, Aussies are shut, something something,” he accused.
Seriously, I had great difficulty understanding what the 15-year-old farm boy was saying. New Zulun excents have gone way downhull since I departed those shores some 30 years ago.
I figured he may have been referring to RWC 2011 and that the All Blacks were going to beat the shut Wallabies and win it, no question.
“All Blecks No 1 team in the werl!” he boasted.
Now look, I was minding my own business, languidly sipping on an excellent Kiwi sauvignon blanc, happily nibbling on a spicy sausage and discreetly admiring a very beautiful Jordanian woman who had,
God knows how, somehow happened by.
Distracted if not slightly irritated by Spotty, I decided to have a little fun. I held up two fingers.
‘Count those,’ I said. If you can, I thought.
‘Two – as in two Rugby Wold Cups. How many have you guys won?’
‘Yeh, nucky nucky, egg, egg, two u-luvun!’ he retorted.
I then held up one finger:
‘One – and that was 21 years ago. All Blacks are chokers, mate; they may never – never — win another World Cup,’ I said somberly, cynically utilising my lower vocal registers for maximum impact.
‘Unzud’s the best!’ he yelled defiantly.
I obviously wasn’t penetrating the cement between the kid’s ears. I took another tack.
‘Hey, I once thought that; I’m actually a New Zealander, mate. I used to support the All Blacks.’
There was a look of pure shock on his face. What kind of loyal, one-eyed New Zealander ‘used to’ support the All Blacks?
‘I now barrack for the Wallabies.’
The shock now became a grimacing, accusing look. He couldn’t help it:
‘Traitor!’
‘Not at all,’ I replied evenly, sipping my sauvignon blanc. ‘The All Blacks toured South Africa in 1976 and disgustingly allowed Sid Going, a proud Maori, to be classified by the Jaapies as an ‘honorary white’ for God’s sake – and then in 1981 the NZRU invited the Springboks over here when no-one else would play them and tore New Zealand society in two as a result. The All Blacks and the NZRU were the traitors. To human rights.’
I am not sure the kid knew anything about human rights, let alone ever heard of human Going’.
‘Moreover, I refuse to support a country in a rugby sense that honoured Colin Meads as ‘the greatest All Black’ when back in 1968 he almost tore a leg off the Australian halfback Ken Catchpole that ended Catchpole’s rugby career.
Or a team that did not immediately dump Richard Loe for smashing Wallaby Paul’s Carozza’s nose across his face for daring to score a try against the All Blacks in 1992 – after he had scored the try.’
‘Nucky nuck, egg, egg, two uluvun!’ he shouted triumphantly again. Talk to the deaf.
‘Okay, I’ll tell you the real reason I don’t support the All Blacks: they didn’t want me, ok?’
I then began blinking rapidly as though trying to blink back tears of bitter outrage and began speaking with a slight quaver in my voice:
‘They had their chance when I was playing and they didn’t want me; why would I support a team that didn’t want me? Eh? Eh?’
‘Aw,’ said the kid backing away with slightly rounding eyes. ‘You must have been a really good player then.’
‘Yes,’ I replied. ‘The older I get, the better I was.’
The last I saw of Spotty over my glass was him sheltering amid a bunch of other Kiwi youth, jerking his thumb sporadically in my direction … just beyond the rewarding vision of the heavenly Jordanian.
It’s amazing what an old rugby guy can get away with a straight face and a few glasses of Marlborough sauvignon blanc on a slow Sunday afternoon at a parish barbecue in New Zealand.
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