It’ll come as no surprise to read that I have watched every second of every game my beloved Wests Tigers have played this season. It’s what I do.

The fact that I am still alive and haven’t been locked away in a place with a name like ‘Loving Springs’ juiced to the eyeballs on Valium, making friends with people like Clarence, a misunderstood hermaphrodite who just wants people to love him like he loves watching people sleep, speaks volumes for my resilience.

I’m pretty sure this is part of the DNA of every Tigers fan.

Like most fans of the team, I have run the spectrum of emotions during that time. From the depths of despair that was ‘The Townsville Trip of Unimaginable Hell’ to the rather embarrassingly swollen and sore collarbone region that was a result of a mistimed pride laden chest thump during last Monday’s ‘Wall of Leichardt’ defensive effort against the Mexicans, chances are I have displayed more emotions in six weeks than the ‘Leave Britney Alone’ guy that looks like a girl.

So, it’s fair to say I have a basis to provide a fan’s perspective on the overall performance of each Tigers player through the first six weeks of the 2009 season.

I thought about just rating them by A’s, B’s and C’s, or by percentage. I experimented with giving my 18 month old son a picture of each player and rated them based on whose picture he ripped, ate, peed on or fed to the dog first.

Apparently newspaper clippings aren’t that flash for a dog’s digestive system and poor Lloyd has been seen scooting his arse across the floor, trying to remove a picture of Corey Payne that is protruding from his inner sanctum. So needless to say, despite my dismay, that plan was scrapped pretty quickly.

So I settled on a score of 1-5, with 5 being the most desirable score. The criteria for each score will be set around the average level of pain I have felt whilst watching each player. Here’s how I worked it

5: Low Level Pain
Basically pain free, or as pain free as watching anyone in Black and Orange can be (or all white if you take into account the new 1o year Anniversary jersey, seriously there are times and places for all white attire, weddings, hospitals, heaven places like that. Certainly not a football field.

I know it is a shout out to the foundation jersey, but if I’m not mistaken, there was a reason they changed that design way back when because it wasn’t well received and no one bought it! For mine, just alternate between the predominately orange or black jerseys.

We’re not the Wests Albino Tigers!). Equivalent to having a mild headache or slight welding flash where you feel like you have sand under your eyelids, annoying more than anything. Certainly as good as it gets from this squad.

4. Medium Level Pain
Equivalent to having a nipple cripple, a tattoo, and a Chinese burn all at once. It hurts like hell at the time, but the pain subsides quickly.

3. High Level Pain
Imagine you were walking along, minding your own business and were hit by a car my wife is driving. Chances are she’d be speeding, so the impact would be significant. She would also not have seen you as she was fidgeting with a McCafe coffee, her phone, and giving our son a good talking to, so therefore she would obliviously hear and feel she has hit something, stop, reverse back over you to take a better look, see nothing and drive off over you again.

2. Excruciating Pain
Say you worked in a salt factory and had both legs hacked off in an unfortunate accident, before falling into a vat of salt. An uneducated co-worker comes over and treats the wound ..with vinegar, and WHAM is playing in the background.

1. Sweet Mary Mother of God End My World Now and Put Me Out of My Misery Level Pain
You work for ASIO and are captured by German spies and tortured. You are hosed down and connected by your genitals to 10,000 volts of electricity whilst ‘Neighbours’ re-runs play on loop on a big screen in front of you. Your eyelids are forced open with wire and David Hasselhoff’s Greatest Hits (a CD single) plays on repeat at deafening levels over a PA.

So now we move onto the current squad of players to have played First Grade this season for the Tigers, starting with the run on squad by jersey number, and their applicable Pain Scale Ratings.

If you’ve read this far, you’re obviously into pain, so you should get something out of it!

1. Tim Moltzen. Pain Level: 4
Overall, for someone filling the biggest shoes in Tiger town once Hodgo left, and perhaps occupying the most competitive position within the club, Moltzen has more than held his own. He has shown courage, ability to play with pain (coming back after one week from a dislocated elbow no less!) and is slowly adding another dimension to the attack, albeit a work in progress.

Needs to attack the ball a little more urgently at times, but for his age and experience, he is progressing well. Injured again today, perhaps seriously.

2. Taniela Tuiaki. Pain Level: 5
Leading try scorer in the NRL, and one of the most fearsome sights in the game when at full noise. Should have had another four pointer under his belt this afternoon against the Knights, but video evidence of grounding was in short supply. Pretty sure he eats razor blades for breakfast, washed down with two litres of gravel and a battery acid chaser. In other words, the man is tough, and mean. And we love him!

3. Dean Collis. Pain Level: 2
Collis was on the cusp of becoming one of the premier centres going around but for injuries the past couple of seasons. Since watching him on the comeback trail he is one of those players the commentators like to call ‘A Confidence Player’.

Meaning, with confidence he is once classy player, without it, he’d struggle to get a run in the Cowra Nun’s starting 13. Had at times been a defensive liability, but with three tries today, his attacking game seems to be on the right track. Still manages to look like he should be wearing a smoking jacket and chuffing on a pipe, it all seems rather casual for him.

4. Chris Lawrence. Pain Level 4.
Looking increasingly like an Origin representative this season. He is either 3% thoroughbred or has undergone one big-arse course of horse steroids in the past season and a half. Burst onto the scene in ’06 and has since become a condom full of walnuts with his ever growing physique.

Fast, big , strong, tough, and better yet, his turnstile defensive days are well and truly behind him.

5. Beau Ryan. Pain Level 2.
Probably the most vilified player in the club on the Wests Tigers own website. Second only to Kevin Rudd in this country for calls for him to step aside, but does not have the dough to offer $900 to all and sundry to save his spot. Runs sideways too much, his combination with Collis at times has looked about as fluent as I am in the African dialect of the Toc-Toc Tribe. Can slip a tackle and is safe under the high ball, and hence he keeps his spot each week.

6. John Morris. Pain Level 1.
As far as attacking, ball playing 5/8’s go, Morris makes a really good piano accordion mechanic. Seems to have bought his kicking game from the bargain bin at ‘Kicking Game’s Rn’t Us’. Has supplemented his income by allowing film crews to tape his scrumbase combination with Benji Marshall for a remake of The Odd Couple, appropriately renamed ‘The Odd Couple, and Their Paracitic Head’. His defence in recent weeks has however been nothing short of heroic .but that doesn’t ease the pain of watching him kick the ball or pass it.

7. Benji Marshall. Pain Level 1.
Today’s game against the Knights was classic Marshall. Three kicks out on the full. a dud pass. Non existent running game in the first half. Sets up two tries (one from a run that conjured memories of THAT try in ’05 against the Sharks), kicks the match winning conversion and takes out the Man of The Match award. Can be the most brilliant #7 in the game, and the most error riddled. Can we win the title with that sort of thing from our halfback? I honestly have no idea, but I am willing to sacrifice most of my internal organs due to stress and find out.

8. Bryce Gibbs. Pain Level 1.
Has the memory of a goldfish. This can be the only reason he looks so shocked when he gives away each of his customary three penalties per game for various indiscretions. Shall now be known as 10 Second Bryce after 10 Second Tom, the character in 20 First Dates that has a memory that refreshes every 10 seconds. ‘Ref! What was That For?’ ‘Well Bryce, you had your hands on the head and the ball in a manner that any idiot would be proud of’ ‘Really? I’m shocked, I have no idea what you’re talking about’ ‘Hi, I’m Bryce Gibbs. I’ve a feeling an important game is going to be thrown away due to one of these incidents, and if it does, Gibbs will be the 2009 version of Ashtom Sims after his knock on in the Preliminary Final last year.

9. Robbie Farah. Pain Level 5.
After the Townsville Trip of Unimaginable Hell, the biggest reason I watched the following week against the Chooks was because I figured that as Captain, Farah would not allow the team to perform like that for consecutive weeks. Despite a couple of quiet-ish displays by his standards, should be a walk up start for his first NSW jersey. All the Ennis talk is just selling papers. Is becoming the type of Captain that inspires Teams to win games that they have no business winning. It’s scary where he could take his game to in two to three seasons.

10. Keith Galloway. Pain Level 5.
Also in line for a Blues jersey. Is still so young but is becoming the very type of front rower we have lacked since Skando retired. Never fails to take the hard yards and bend the defence back. Great in defence, and his performance playing the back end of last season pretty much on one leg with a messed up ankle that only came out of a protective brace on game days never got enough media coverage. Go the Sauce!

11. Gareth Ellis. Pain Level 4.
Buy of the season, and we won’t see his best for another 8-10 weeks in my opinion. Great defender and a hard worker. Would like to see his running game progress, which I am sure it will, and fast. I can see him hitting the line at speed with footwork and popping balls to Benji, Moltzen and Lawrence in the not too distant future .It’ll be worth the wait.

12. Chris Heighington. Pain Level 5.
The heart and soul of this club. Don’t like his fish out of water routine when he is tackled, but to be honest, he could confess to being a crack addicted she male and I would give him a pass for what he brings to this team. Again, a little quiet by his standards, but when the sting of the Origin snub sets in, watch for him to fire up to new levels.

13. Todd Payten. Pain Level 4.
Sick of hearing the ‘Halfback trapped in a Front Rowers Body’ line, but Payten seems to again be the solid workhorse in attack and defence, with the odd flash of brilliance you wouldn’t expect from a player of his heft. Is filthy at not having received the same wraps as Matt Cooper for his smokey blue eyes, but won’t be gracing any catwalks in the foreseeable future, and that’s fine by me.

14. Danny Galea. Pain Level 4.
I remember when Galea played for the Panthers he killed the Tigers in defence several times whilst playing in the centres. Obviously Tim Sheens noticed and thought the best way to nullify his effect at Penrith was to recruit him, and let him rot on the bench for two season. Has started to get some serious game time, and it is no coincidence our defence tightens up ever so slightly when he is on the field. I’d forgotten how good he can be.

15. Corey Payne. Pain Level 2.
Appropriately named, good defender who brings nothing in attack save for the odd hit up. Shows some anger issues with his push in the back of an Aubusson brother (they should be a boy band, the Aubusson Brothers) and doesn’t mind a facial on the opposition players when they are lying prone on the deck. Can give away 10 Second Bryce-like penalties at times also.

16. Dene Halatau. Pain Level 4.
The only reason it is even remotely painful watching Halatau is the fact that his utility tag is killing his career. Seems to have a spot carved for him on the bench these days but I think his best footy is when he is getting out of dummy half and making easy meters for Farah to play off the back of. Solid defender whose chances for serious game time seem to be diminishing by the week.

17. Rhys Hanbury. Pain Level 2.
Two games with some actual game time showed all of us who are guilty of saying ‘Rhys who?’ with every Team selection. Playing him off the bench for 5-10 minutes in junk time of games seems to have made Tigers fans dubious of his ability, but he has shown that when given his opportunities, he is a quality player. Also playing out of position most of the time.

18. Daine Laurie. Pain Level 4.
The Wild Thing. Has defensive issues, fitness problems and is in serious debt with his hairdresser. Should still be in the 17 EVERY week to give a spark off the bench. Well, if Rhsy Hanbury is a spark, Daine Laurie is a fireball. Family problems, and Sheens wanting to teach him a lesson that things come slowly have limited his appearances, luckily for the Tigers’ opponents.

So there you have it. We all know that watching the Tigers can be painful but as John ‘Don’t Call me Johnny or Cougar for that matter’ Mellencamp said, it hurts so good.