For footy fans, Grand Final day is like Christmas, Easter and every other half decent religion’s holidays rolled into one. Now, of course, there’s the game, but really, that’s pretty much the same as the hundred or so other ones you’ve seen this year; tackle, kick, try, Brad Fittler laughter etc.
What makes Grand Final day great is all the extra bits and pieces that get crammed in by overzealous organisers like a trainee sandwich artist turning a humble football game into a fourteen hour Rugby League rhapsody.
I live for these moments, so here are my 5 Grand Final Day Guilty pleasures.
1. Atrocious non football Entertainment
If Kanye West and Lady Gaga parachuted onto ANZ Stadium riding endangered snow leopards and proceeded to belt out a duet of ‘Simply the Best’ before jumping over the 1981 Newtown Jets in a monster truck driven by Norm Provan would you seriously turn to your mate and give a Gus Gould like “WOW”!?!
No, you would feel emptier inside than a giant Optus Vision television.
Terrible entertainment has become as integral to Grand Final day as the national anthem and old blokes being carted around in utes. Admit it, everyone looks forward to seeing which faded international act or local C-Lister will mumble their way through a performance totally inappropriate for the occasion giving you ten or so minutes of laughs when your side is being lapped by 20 at half time.
2. The Lower Grades
Usually the lower grades are a 15min distraction that you watch whilst trying to find your seat and fruitlessly tune in your SportsEar. Come the Grand Final TV triathlon though and suddenly the lower grades are thrust upon you in all their hilarity.
Whilst Under 20’s is a fairly slick product, the NSW cup is a massive laugh fest.
It’s got everything you want. There’s the sulky ex-first grader who seems to be hating every minute of the experience. There’s the bloke who lets the occasion go to his head and tries way too hard because his Nan’s watching on TV.
There’s the niggle, the inevitable biff and finally the glorious moment the game finishes in a 4-all draw requiring double extra time sending event management staff into Def Con 4.
3. Outrageous Overproduction
The general weekly broadcasting of NRL games is pretty basic, a couple of minutes of file footage to some non-descript rock music pre-match usually does the trick. These creative shackles are discarded in stunning fashion on Grand Final Day as TV programmers blow the remainder of the year’s budget trying desperately to fill up hours of dead time between matches.
The outcome of this is that the viewer is treated to more over-the-top montages than any man should watch and some hastily put together documentaries usually revolving around how a player has overcome a devastating shellfish allergy or a fear of clouds to play in the Grand final leaving the viewer tearing up like Wayne Pearce in 89.
4. Ghosts of Grand Finals past
On Grand Final day it doesn’t matter if you’ve manned a North Pole Weather station for the last 40 years and missed every GF in-between as any event of significance is sure to be re-lived at some stage on Sunday.
Player makes an early mistake? Martin Bella 94!
Star slightly off colour? Changa Langland 75!
Scores tied with anything less than 60min to go? Party like its 1989!
It’s like the commentators take one look at painted in-goals and go into a trance like state where they can only talk in snippets of past deciders leaving the uninitiated viewer scratching their head.
5. Not doing a damn thing all day
I’ll drive my Nanna around on Christmas day. I’ll quite happily work on my birthday.
But on Grand Final Day don’t ask me to move. I’ll be on the lounge at 7am catching the same headlines I’ve heard regurgitated a thousand times during the week and then popping on my ‘That’s Rugby League’ DVD before bunkering down for the butt numbing three courses of final frivolities.
Much like the losing team I won’t look pretty at the end of the day, but rest assured, I will have given each game 110%.
And most important of all I’ll be back again next year, bigger and better for the experience.
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