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Monday: Wake up at 2:43pm. Check hate mail on mobile – 112 incensed readers, a new PB.
Flag the seven angriest to re-read throughout the week – even a master of his own domain needs a little help knocking one over the black dot from time to time.
Editor calls at 5:20. He’s not happy with what he’s heard about the level of research, fact-checking and credible reportage that went into yesterday’s column.
I assure him that none of the above were involved, to which he expresses his relief and says he’ll call same time next week.
Tuesday
Answer some tweets on my phone. Have dropped the pretense that I can string a sentence together and now write in txt spk – #1D4NRLGF LOL!
Apparently there was a game on last night? I never will get used to this new scheduling. Must question it in column soon.
Wednesday
Pick up Rugby League Week to see who won on the weekend. Who knew there was a team in Melbourne? And how does Steve Mascord get to four games every weekend? I haven’t seen that many this year! The bloke’s either on something or a cyborg. Must speculate with no factual basis in column soon.
Thursday
Best night of the week – The Footy Show! Shame I have to sit through the NRL one first. Must share this outrage with my massive fan base soon.
Friday
Spot a leading player manager and six of his clients hunched over a table in a curtained-off VIP booth at the casino.
He calls me over and feeds me scoop after scoop as he slips a rolled up 50 into my hand: Josh Dugan to miss the rest of the season with an ingrown hair, Ricky Stuart has the bench utility spot sewn up for Origin I, Martin Lang to be the next Immortal, and, most unlikely of all, some people think I’m a douchebag.
Inconceivable! This guy is usually so on the money, but three out of four ain’t bad.
Thank him for his time, but expect better next week or he just might find his name in the column inches of the most powerful man in rugby league. Stand up, hand my business card to five models, ask the DJ if he’s got any Skrillex. Love my brostep, brah.
Saturdary
Deadline day. So much happening this week I don’t know how I’ll fit it all in.
Switch on computer – phew, it still works. Must start switching it on during the week just in case.
Open weekly column template. Delete columns headed “AFL Convert”, “Braith Anasta”, “Chris Sandow”, “Former Star Sex Scandal” and “Parramatta in Crisis”.
This leaves only “Union Convert”, “Braith Anasta”, “Chris Sandow”, “Former Coach Sex Scandal”, “Blues in Crisis”, “Ricky Stuart”, “Quade Cooper”, “Nathan Tinkler”, “Serial Bad Boy” and “Random Female Swimmer/Surfer/Triathlete” to write about this week.
Google “Random Female Swimmer/Surfer/Triathlete” – no new talent, so working Stephanie Rice into Quade story again. Genius.
Open last week’s column. Copy story text over but change name for each one. “Anasta hands back A-League license to Ricky Stuart” – they’ll never see that coming.
File column at 5:56pm, a new PB. Log on to website and refresh until column goes live.
11:53pm – there I am! Who couldn’t love that face? Gorgeous. Won’t even need any hate mail to get me over the tryline tonight – might even have a hat trick in me.
Sunday
I look even better in print. Stunning. Must ask editor to increase size of my photo though. Size matters.
2:43pm – get email tip-off that Andrew Demetriou will cross codes to NRL head office. May require in-depth investigation and hard-hitting journalism. Too-hard basket. Bed time. Delete.
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