The AFL is investigating unconfirmed reports that former Hawthorn captain, Sam Mitchell, spoke honestly and disclosed valuable and potentially meaningful information during a press-conference in the lead up to the Hawks clash against Carlton at the MCG tonight.
In response to a question about the cause of the Hawks’ mid-season resurgence, rather than declaring the form reversal to be a “credit to the boys” or in some way influenced by the resolve of the club’s leadership group, Mitchell spoke frankly.
“It’s purely been on the back of Buddy’s form. His performances have more than compensated for our ageing and one-dimensional midfield and our fundamentally horrible defence.”
Mitchell was then asked about facing a Carlton side desperate for a win after having lost five of their past six matches. Rather than misleading the media contingent by claiming that the Hawks had a “heap of respect” for the Blues, Mitchell remained forthright.
“Carlton have been absolutely pathetic in all aspects of the game. They had clearly gotten fundamentally ahead of themselves early in the season. We are expecting to absolutely massacre them tonight.”
Meanwhile, the Sydney Football Club has engaged the services of Black Caviar jockey, Luke Nolen, to advise on how best to fade out in the concluding stages of a sporting event.
Sydney, who gave up a 47 and 35 point leads respectively against the Bombers and Cats in recent weeks to score narrow victories, have earmarked Nolen as an ideal fit for the club.
Nolen, who controversially eased Black Caviar up in the last 100 metres of the champion sprinter’s narrow victory at Royal Ascot, is believed to have impressed the Swans with his ability to “genuinely stop competing in a sporting event well-before its conclusion”.
Finally, St Kilda Football Club CEO Michael Nettlefold has conceded that a season-crippling scandal involving his club is “probably just days away”.
Nettlefold cut a sorry figure at the Saints’ Seaford headquarters yesterday, the media fall-out from the inevitable act of depravity clearly weighing heavily on his mind.
“This could be the big one” said Nettlefold with a sense of unnerving surety. “We’re standing on the edge of a precipice involving a compulsive act of immature stupidity that could call our season and very existence into question.
“I’ve got no idea what it’s going to be… but for some weird reason I reckon a goat is going to be present in some capacity,” Nettlefold said before trailing off to answer his mobile phone.
“He did what?” a visibly dejected Nettlefold asked before placing his palm over the receiver to address the media gallery. “You guys might want to stick around.”
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Absolutely unnecessary from Dunstall!
Once an enemy of the Bombers, always an enemy of the Bombers!
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