While reading a magazine recently I came across a startling suggestion. It went something like this – “Usain Bolt can run the 100m in under 10 seconds. He should have a go at the marathon – he’d be finished in under an hour!”
As a footy fan I haven’t really taken much interest in the Olympics since the cauldron malfunction in the 2000 Sydney Games opening ceremony. That moment crushed my youthful dreams and made me swear a blood oath to never take pride in anything ever again.
But the suggestion above stunned me. Why are coaches and athletes risking lifetime bans and scorn by searching for the edge they need via doping or other illegal methods?
All it requires is a little lateral thinking – unless lateral thinking is banned by those fat cats in the IOC as well?
I’ve come up with a list of suggestions I’m sure aren’t specifically banned under the various rules. These might just prove the difference to a young athlete with an open mind and a link to The Roar.
Weightlifting
The heavier the weight, the harder it is to lift. Why not just back the weights off a bit and lift something a lot lighter? Similarly high-jumpers could just set the bar lower and they’d never knock it off. Easy!
Boxing
Have you ever noticed how many times the taekwondo athletes score points with kicks? I’ve never seen a boxer even try to kick an opponent!
This appears to be a fault of the coaches. They should be encouraging their athletes to sneak a couple of crafty boots to the face to really surprise their opponent. Simple!
Equestrian Dressage
We all remember the 1932 equestrian dressage event when Sweden’s Bertil Sandstrom was demoted to last place for clicking to his horse to encourage it. Berty blamed a creaking saddle for the noise.
So dressagers, what are you waiting for? Go and get the creakiest saddles you can find and your horse will be super encouraged.
Judo
This sport involves standing around, looking at your opponent and occasionally slapping at each other’s hands. Why not borrow a fencer’s epee and take your opponent’s eyes out with it?
That way you can slap his/her hands all you like and they will literally not see it coming. Gold, gold, gold!
Long jump
You couldn’t have missed those massive poles the pole vaulters use in their discipline. A long jump score is measured from the back mark made by the athlete in the sand. Simply stand on the launch board and use a pole to draw a mark on the sand – voila!
Beach volleyball
It seems to be the ‘done thing’ that beach volleyball is played by two athletes per side. Meanwhile their fancy indoor cousins get to have six players on the court!
Screw tradition – don’t be afraid to be a maverick. Get another four mates on the court with you and you’ll go a lot further.
All sports
At the 2004 Games, Iranian judoist Arash Miresmaili embarked on a huge eating binge the night before his bout to protest the IOC’s recognition of the state of Israel. This protest action saw him reportedly lauded as a national hero in his homeland, despite being disqualified.
To me this seems obvious – stuff yourself full of sausage rolls and thick shakes, lose yourself in a bucket of pasta, trim the fat off a side of beef and eat only that. Just do whatever it takes to get yourself disqualified for being a fat bastard and return home to adulation and glory!
An athlete could cover themselves in glory – and pasta sauce – and perhaps revolutionise their discipline for years to come.
Who knows, perhaps your pioneering example would rekindle the Olympic flame in the jammed cauldron of my heart.
LeBron James is going back to the Olympics for the first time in 12 years. Steph Curry is headed to the games for the…
Olyroos coach Tony Vidmar is refusing to put a line through Nestory Irankunda's hopes of playing at the Paris Olympics after claiming he is…
The 2023-24 NBA season promised so much for the Australian contingent - for a few it’s been the ideal runway to the Paris Olympics…
Basketball superstar Lauren Jackson has been included in the extended Opals squad for the Paris Olympics, despite announcing her retirement from the international scene.…
The Brisbane Olympics stadiums fiasco has had wild twists and turns in just the last few days, but we still might not have seen…
Olympic swimming legend and Australian Sports Commission boss Kieren Perkins has warned that "someone will die" if a multi-sport event that allows athletes to…
