Hey Cuz! I think it’s pretty choice you have come back to be a apart of the NRL next season, but I’m concerned you may not be up to the loop.
So before you start strolling through Bondi in your jandals, it’s best we have a chat about what’s been going down in the NRL since you left, and school you on the latest happenings of Bondi.
Scoring tries
There are real-life tries in rugby league. Good tries too. Not those crappy ones where ten men in a scrum all fall over the line simultaneously, only for the referee to blow his whistle on the assumption a try was scored.
Tries where guys pass and actually catch are a regular occurrence here in the NRL. Nowadays, more often than not, plays are devised where we at home are left asking, “how did that happen?” and not the union affiliated “why are we watching this crap?” spiel.
Kiwi connections
You have to contend with some other Kiwis. The Sydney Roosters boast guns like Shaun Kenny-Dowall, Frank Paul Nu’uausala and Jared Waerea-Hargreaves but maybe if you are nice and share your fush n’ chups, they might let you in on their tight group, seeing you too possess the same three-letter abbreviation trend that seems to be a favourite at the tri-colours.
If not, there are still another half a dozen brothers from your homeland in the squad that you can bond over Dave Dobbyn with.
No more toilet stall shennanigans
Cubicles are passé anyway. Now unfortunately getting your romance explosion on in public bathrooms is still frowned upon, but there are just as many other romantic haunts around Bondi.
May I suggest the local RSL behind the pokie machines, or seduce your next lady lover with some sand in her nether regions while watching the sun set down the beach, rehydrating after with some coconut water. I trust you have your own nuts.
Rule changes
Be sure to check out the latest NRL rule book. Sadly for you Sonny, as of last night you are no longer allowed do shoulder charges, so it’s best you clue yourself up on the on-going evolution of rugby league tackles – for instance the chicken-wing, grapple, and the horizontal lift.
There are now also two referees to deal with, in addition be sure to read up on the obstruction rule. On second thought, scrap that, seeing no one really seems to know what it is. Stick to those miraculous offloads and you’ll be sweet as.
Beware the (bigger) dog
You are no longer the ‘big dog’. You now have to compete with other mammoth forwards in the NRL.
Fake Kangaroo James Tamou dismantles anyone in his way, Sam Burgess is a giant with a knack for finding the try line and Nate Myles has an ability to continually gain metres (just seems to struggle when trapped in hotel hallways).
Plus you are now older than half of today’s superstars, but before you sulk on Khoder’s shoulder, we are all positive you will again kill it if you remain injury free.
Approach romance with caution (and a lawyer)
Beware of the Eastern Suburbs princess. Unlike the folk who pave the rosy streets of Bankstown and who possess genuine admiration for how one plays rugby league, a few women that surround Bondi come with a warning sign.
They don’t know really what you do or who you are, they instead have seen you lunching with your BFF Quade Cooper in the social pages and want in.
Thankfully for your bank account they are easy to pick out, as these one-dimensional ladies have ‘careers’ such as presenter/model/actress and all drive foreign cars (none of which that belong to them). Proceed with caution and a good lawyer for when they try to sell their story.
Facebook friend Laurie Daley
Now it hasn’t gone unnoticed that you are fond of controversial career moves, so why not secure your biggest hit up in 2013 with turning your back on New Zealand and play for the Blues? After all, you have already worn the blue jersey in your junior representative career, who doesn’t love a reprise right?
Along with neck tattoos and boxing, switching allegiance seems to be all the rage, plus you will be in good company with the new breed of “Aus Zealanders” playing Origin solely for the (fake) non-greedy reasoning of, “it was my dream as a kid”.
So welcome back into the greatest game of all – after all there’s no place like home.
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