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Turn the clock back a month to the most bizarre demands to ever surface in an Ashes series – the 82-page dietary guide and 194 menus dreamed up for the Australian hotels and grounds by the English Cricket Board’s performance nutritionist Chris Rosimus.
It was a ‘War and Peace’ publication on what the precious English cricketers had to eat and drink, and what time of the day it was to be made available.
I have never heard of more than half of the exotic food ordered, but I know one thing for sure – a month later and Rosimus could have written his entire demands on the back of a postage stamp.
Humble pie would cover all of England’s dietary requirements.
Flogged by 398 at the Gabba, behind by 532 with two days play remaining in Adelaide, the WACA next week, and Mitchell Johnson on fire.
Barring a miracle, England will be handing over the Ashes in straight sets.
And Chris Rosimus will be looking for a job.
That’s what happens when sportsmen are pampered, and no team in my memory has been as pampered as much as Alastair Cook’s troops on this tour.
And they have tumbled off their pedestal.
The giveaway, apart from the obvious lack of runs and wickets – body language.
From the moment England landed in Australia, their body language was arrogant.
Ir reeked of ‘We are the champions, and we are going to kick Aussie arse again’.
It also reeked of just having to turn up to complete the mission.
Bad call fellas, you have come one of the greatest croppers of all time, and deservedly so.
I’ll leave Ian Bell, James Anderson, and Michael Carberry out of that criticism, their body language has been normal, no strutting.
But single out Stuart Broad, and Kevin Pietersen, as the worst offenders.
Both have set out to be as obnoxious as possible, and both are damn good at it.
But their strutting is over, so too skipper Cook who looks more like a condemned man heading for the medieval gallows.
And once the brutal British press get stuck into him, the gallows will be the lesser of two evils.
Compare the body language of the Australians, with a spring in their step and the relaxed air of a side in command, calling the shots.
And you can bet they have been getting stuck into juicy steaks at the end of another successful day, followed by ice cream and their favourite sauce.
While England do battle with piri piri breaded tofu with tomato salsa, roasted vegetables and haloumi kebabs with red pepper dip, and mung bean curry with spinach pistachio.
And there’s more, for any meat used in sandwich filling, please do not use processed meats, only freshly cooked meats will suffice.
All fish to be filleted and contain no bones.
And please only low fat mayonnaise and yoghurts.
Bye bye, Ashes.