Last week the Big Dawg lived up to the billing and produced a round of tips that was dodgier than a 3am kebab.
5/13 is very ordinary and if I keep it up people will start confusing me for a professional NBC pundit instead of a rogue dilettante.
Last week the NFL world turned upside down and round-about, the old superpowers began to wane, some new kids on the block showed their strength and two out of three Florida teams actually won! Dubya Tee Eff…
I’m almost to the point of having to implement the Costanza-rule; doing everything opposite to what I would normally do. I usually make it to around week eight or nine in the season before I have to self-castigate myself with the rule but as they say, there’s nothing like a little self-castigation to turn things around.
Without any further ado, it’s time to get on to week five Home teams listed first. Let’s begin.
Green Bay ($1.27) versus Minnesota ($3.95)
Thursday night football is a stain on the otherwise spotless reputation of the NFL and it can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. Scheduling a home Thursday nighter at Lambeau is a brave move by the NFL too.
It’s widely known that Green Bay fans are some of the stupidest in the league, they’re likely to forget and show up on Sunday.
As for the football; Aaron Rodgers returned to being A-Rodge last week against the Bears, leading drives that ended in scores every single time he had the ball. Meanwhile, the big news everybody already knew is that Teddy B is going to be a great quarterback.
Last week he led the Purple to a win over Atlanta. The days of Pondering are over for Vikings fans, it’s now officially Teddy Time! That doesn’t mean they’ll win this week though.
Tip: Packers
Carolina ($1.69) versus Chicago ($2.22)
Every team in the league seems to be 2-2 and unsure of how to play football half the time. Chicago literally couldn’t stop the Packers from scoring last weekend and Carolina did an equally terrible job against the Ravens. My baseless hatred of Mr Kristin Cavallari continues to grow so I’m going against him and hoping the home advantage and regaining some sense of pride after Steve Smith tore them a new one will push Carolina over the line.
Tip: Panthers
Philadelphia ($1.33) versus St Louis ($3.44)
The Eagles seem to have forgotten how to run an NFL-level offense of late and have relied on special teams and defence to remain even remotely competitive. What Hot Chip Kelly and crew have going for them is that they’re playing the Rams this week, who are undeniably very bad.
The bright side for St Louis fans is that quarterback Austin Davis is a pretty cool dude, the gloomy side is basically everything else about their football team/ area of ‘Murica they live in.
Tip: Eagles
NY Giants ($1.48) versus Atlanta ($2.75)
Eli and the Roadwarriorz! Through the medium of quarterback play, Eli, ‘Murica’s most loveable hangdog bum, basically told all the non-believers to shut their stupid pie-holes with his performance last week. He’s actually been pretty superb this year but was previously in danger of entering into weird Tony Romo territory for unfair blame accumulation.
Fortunately the rest of Big Blue have come to the partay, not least unheralded TE Big Larry Whatshisface, to notch up a couple of wins.
As for Atlanta, Matty Ice-bucket challenge and co. were doused with cold water last week, going down to the Vikes in an upset. That means this game is yet another contest between 2-2 teams. There’s no contest here folks. Eli and his Roadwarriorz are back home in Sex and the City land and will be too much for the Falcons.
Tip: Giants
New Orleans ($1.18) versus Tampa Bay ($5.25)
In a shocking display of aptitude Tampa Bay won last weekend. Pittsburgh more or less beat themselves but whichever way you swing that cat the Bucs now have a W up on the board and will avoid having to do a nudie run around the state of Florida. New Orleans continue to suck the big one, going down to a surprisingly energised ‘Murica’s team last week.
By virtue of being at home and up against one of the worst teams in football the Saints are ‘do-no-bet’ heavy favourites to win.
The Saints will win but none of the locals on Bourbon St will be celebrating. They’ll all just be sitting in bars looking up at framed fake autographed 2009 no. 9 jerseys wondering why their government has abandoned them and softly crying into their rum and ice.
Tip: Saints
Dallas ($1.36) versus Houston ($3.30)
Everyone loves a Texas rivalry and I feel like the NFL doesn’t make a big enough deal out of it (only the second thing the league hasn’t gotten right). To make it an event worth of a Texas rivalry they should be playing for some sort of trophy the size of a Winnebago and shaped like an obese ‘Murican man in a cowboy hat holding a family-sized bucket of chicken wings.
As for the football teams, Dallas are surprising everyone by beating up on bad teams. Houston is surprising almost everyone by beating up on bad teams. JJ Watt is a one-man band of ridiculousness. Seriously, stop it JJ, you’re making everyone else look bad. In all seriousness he should be playing both ways as a TE.
Tip: Texans
Detroit ($1.29) versus Buffalo ($3.75)
With EJ Manuel starting his last ever game of professional football on the weekend the hopes and dreams of Buffalo natives now rest in the hands of Dave Grohl. Scarily, he’s an upgrade on Manuel but I just hope that if he throws a touchdown on Sunday the folks at the Ford Field will play The Pretender by the Foo Fighters in mock celebration.
The Lions need this W to stay atop the NFC North and although the Billies defence is surprisingly stout again this year, even after Jarius Byrd flew the coop, Stafford, Megatron and Australian promotional tool Reggie Bush will pose too many problems for them come Sunday.
Tip: Lions
Indianapolis ($1.52) versus Baltimore ($2.61)
Steve Smith you beautiful wrecking ball of a man. Last week Senior lay down all kinds of smack on his former team, the Carolina Panthers.
Even without the former-team motivational rage, I expect that he and the Ravens will be in this up to their eyeballs. After carving up the Titans, Indy and Professor Luck, will have far more trouble with the Ravens D this week. It’s a juicy price for Baltimore.
Tip: Ravens
Jacksonville ($3.17) versus Pittsburgh ($1.38)
The Bortler finally made his first pro start last week and turned in a decent performance. Riding a wave of fan enthusiasm, the Jags are actually predicting more than 20 people will show up to the game this week (folks suggesting it could be higher than 30 were reminded that it was only the Steelers coming to town).
If he’s lucky, the Bortler will end up with Peyton Manning rookie season level numbers. In reality, the kid is walking bare arsed around the state of Florida. For Pittsburgh, this is an easy W if they can stop committing ridiculous penalties. Antonio Brown could be the best receiver in the league through four weeks and there’s an opportunity here for some serious stat padding.
Tip: Steelers
Tennessee ($1.77) versus Cleveland ($2.10)
I refuse to talk about Cleveland until they #startJohnnyFootball and am implementing a tip-against-Cleveland rule until such time. Plus they won’t beat the Titans in Tennessee this week.
Tip: Titans
Denver ($1.28) versus Arizona ($3.85)
So far this year Arizona has played San Diego, New York Giants and San Francisco and now have to face Denver at Mile High. That’s a brutal start to the year yet the Cardinals are 3-0 and people are getting excited about Dallas being 3-1 after having beaten the Titans, Rams and Saints? Get the hell outta here.
The Dirty Birds of the Desert are where it’s at. I think this could be the game of the week and the question is can whoever ends up playing quarterback for the Cards put points on the board while their defence keeps them competitive? The answer: Probably not.
Tip: Broncos
San Diego ($1.30) versus NY Jets ($3.70)
The Cyborg Philly Riv does what he wants and after four weeks the Chargers are in the conversation for best team in football. The Jets have been sneakily competitive without ever actually looking like they’re going to win many football games and Geno Smith isn’t showing many signs of improvement.
Now that Rex Ryan has lost all that weight whenever I see him on TV I get that weird shiver down my spine and I’m concerned that a gust of wind will catch his baggy extra skin and lift him off the ground and into the stands. It’s pretty much the only reason I bother watching Jets games these days.
Tip: Chargers
San Francisco ($1.36) versus Kansas City ($3.25)
San Francisco showed many positive signs against Philly and deserved the dubya. ColKap looked a little better but still threw a pick-six and got sacked four times. The Barbeque Eaters demolished New England last week and everyone on the team looked like Pro Bowlers.
This week won’t be as easy for the Chiefs but they’ve got a fighting chance if they can avoid turnovers, Alex Smith is the game’s premier boring quarterback so holding onto the ball shouldn’t be a problem, and rattle ColKap early. That being said, let’s all be sensible and treat last week’s performance by the Chiefs as an aberration. They are not that good.
Tip: 49ers
New England ($2.07) versus Cincinnati ($1.79)
Patriots underdogs at home. Wow. We all knew it was coming, there were signs, little clues along the way before we got to this point, but it all feels a bit too real now that the bookies actually back it up. To be fair, they’re going against one of the best teams in football this season and coming off the back of one of the worst displays in recent team history.
There are problems everywhere for New England and on the other side of the field the Bengals are just waiting to get at them. Even Sauce Dalton is rumoured to be a little fired up to get to Massachusetts and kick the Pats while they’re down.
Tip: Bengals
Washington ($3.66) versus Seattle ($1.30)
Kirk Cousins. Four picks and a fumble. You stink bro. I don’t know anyone who thought the Washington Professional Football team would be any good this year but I don’t think anyone expected them to be so bad. Because they will definitely lose to Seattle on Monday night I’ll pose a more interesting question; what do they do at quarterback going forward?
RGIII is dead to us, Kirk Cousins is a waste of time, is it really too early to suggest that they tank and snag a high pick in the draft next year?
Tip: Seahawks
Happy punting and god bless ‘Murica!
For more idiocy follow me on Twitter: @brinpaulsen
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