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There’s no sugar coating this. This week is going to be hell in the office if you work with a Pom.
Heaven help you if you’re an Aussie working in London. If that’s you, get the hell out of Dodge. At the very least, chuck a sickie or quit your job.
But we don’t have to capitulate like our batsmen at Trent Bridge. Here are a few strategies that may help you with the gloating Pom in your life – and let’s face it, we all have at least one – following the Ashes debacle.
The head-in-the-sand approach
Make out that you’ve been so busy working, socialising, running around after the kids, cleaning the grout in the bathroom, walking the dog, doing your paperwork, picking the lint out of your belly button, whatever, that you didn’t even know the Ashes was on, let alone have time to watch it.
Then rush off, with a parting, “Lucky you’ve got so much time on your hands.”
Go to the pub for the rest of the day.
The back-handed congratulations
This is the solution for the passive-aggressive. It makes you appear magnanimous, while nurturing that deep-seated English inferiority complex.
Fix them with your most sincere smile and say, “I understand your excitement. You get so few opportunities to celebrate a sporting win.”
Alternatively shake your head and admit, “Yeah, losing sucks. Now we know how you guys feel most of the time.”
Another option is to concede defeat: “Yeah, we must have played really badly to get beaten by you lot.”
Finally, a little perspective never hurts: “You invented the game and have three times the population. You even had an empire once. Of course you won. Der.”
Go to the pub for the rest of the day.
Fight fire with fire
This one is for the sledgers, the Brad Haddins among us who believe attack is the best form of defence.
Point out to your gloating Pom that England has only learnt how to play cricket with an Aussie coach at the helm. If they challenge this view, mention the World Cup.
Ask them how England did the last time they played the All Blacks.
Remind them they will always have Russell Brand. And crap weather.
Go to the pub for the rest of the day.
Change your nationality
Okay, this is a pretty desperate measure but at least it gets the gloating Pom off your back. With this solution, you can also pretend you don’t speak English.
Go to the pub for the rest of the day. By the end of which you won’t speak English.
Claim the moral high-ground
Point out how crass it is to be so engrossed in the men’s game when women’s cricket gets a fraction of the attention. Make it clear to your gloating Pom that they are part of the problem.
Go to the pub for the rest of the day. Later in the week you’ll be able to watch the women’s Test and see if Australia can build on its 4-2 series lead. If only it was being televised.
Play the lifestyle card
Point out all the great things about Australia. Like sun, cold beer, great beaches or food that isn’t steak and kidney pie, bubble and squeak or black pudding.
If you’re gloating Pom is on Australian shores, ask them what they’re doing here if if they think England’s so good.
Go to the pub for the rest of the day. Maybe a beachside bar. Enjoy a cold beer.
The Braveheart defence
Yes, they can take our Ashes, but they will never take our freedom.
This is your ultimate trump card. There is no comeback for this one.
Let your gloating Pom shoot from the lip. Let them go on and on and on.
At the right moment, hit them with, “Sure mate, we played terribly. But it doesn’t come close to you guys sticking us on a boat and sending us to paradise as punishment. Muppets.”
Go to the pub for the rest of the day.
Good luck, people.
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