Maria Sharapova, the richest woman in international sport, came out on the front foot and confessed to failing a drug test amid the Australian Open.
We all should have known Sharapova was on something when her grunts became louder and more guttural. We should have picked up on it when she was able to scream and howl for an hour straight without collapsing in a heap of tears.
I can’t sing a Metallica song all the way through without a Michael Jackson-style oxygen tent.
As Sharapova left her press conference today, at The Roar we noticed she dropped a bound, little black leather book. Out of curiosity we opened it.
The title page read: The Exposed Dug Cheat’s Handbook. Here are some of the guidelines from the book.
1. Produce a medical certificate
This is a time-honoured way of weaseling your way out of being exposed as a drug cheat. Who can argue that a doctor prescribed you anabolic steroids to treat a paper cut? Who would question that a doctor prescribed you human growth hormones to soothe a rash from anal bleaching?
What sort of heartless media type could begrudge you – a heroic and professional sportsperson – imbibing a known performance enhancer to treat a family history of diabetes.
Sure, those rattlesnakes in the press might ask if you actually have diabetes or if you are taking pills as a prophylactic against getting diabetes. They might even suggest that is absurd and that you as a professional sportsperson could just maintain a healthy diet and lifestyle to stave off diabetes.
To this, just grunt.
2. Blame your Mum
This is a technique made famous by Shane Warne.
‘What performance enhancing drug? I just took whatever my mum gave me. If you can’t trust your mum to be up to date on WADA banned lists, who can you trust?’
3. Plead ignorance
When questioned come up with excuses like, ‘Yes, sir I did get the annual WADA banned substance list in the mail, but I didn’t read it.’
4. Claim your trust was abused
This excuse has been pioneered by the players of the Essendon Football Club in recent times.
Just claim you had no idea that the needle full of a foaming, bubbling substance was a cocktail of performance-enhancing drugs. Sure, you may have seen a mosquito drink a drop that spilled on the ground and instantly turn into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but that’s what happens with all vitamin shots, isn’t it?
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