Last week’s first Test was an unimpressive start to the summer for the Aussie cricket team. But there’s a lot of cricket to be played, with two more Tests against the South Africans and a further two against Pakistan later this summer.
The side has been beset by injuries and is as prone to batting collapses as a condemned building, but all is not lost. I’ve compiled a list of 11 things the Aussies could and should do to improve their fortunes, starting with the second Test at Bellerive Oval tomorrow.
1. Camp out on the pitch at Bellerive Oval tonight
Spending some time in the middle would be good for most of the Aussie batsmen. Shane ‘Tumour’ Watson can bring his guitar and tell ghost stories about all the times he failed to go on with a good start.
2. Left field selections
Selecting some of our more talented and successful female cricketers would be a lovely tip of the hat to old Hillary. Failing that, I’m sure the Department of Immigration could rush through citizenship for Kevin Pietersen; he didn’t come on a boat.
3. Hollywood magic/Product Placement
Use some well-placed CGI and an LG OLED TV to convince the Proteas that Dave Warner has a twin brother, also called Dave to prevent Dave from getting confused.
4. Modified Training
Take Usman Khawaja to a landfill so he can practice throwing away his wicket a few times before the big show.
5. Nepotism
Check Government databases to see if Swampy has any other kids we don’t know about. The more the Marshier.
6. Security
Once ‘Tumour’ has finished with the sing-along, have him check the dressing rooms for ghost, ghouls, goblins or any other mythical beasts. One can never be too careful.
7. Hypnotism
Have Ian Chappell regale the Proteas with a rousing ball-by-ball account of the drawn Ashes series of 1972. This same method was used to get Warney off the darts.
8. Appearance
A quick nip and tuck with Warney’s doctors will render the side as facially emotionless as Shane himself, leaving the Proteas to guess whether the Aussies are excited or angry.
9. Keep ’em guessing
Reversing the batting order used to work a treat in under 12s. Most of our batsmen are used to coming in at 5/50 anyway.
10. Backyard rules
Traditionally the Proteas aren’t a jovial bunch, I doubt they’d be familiar with the joys of one-hand-one-bounce or tippity. This one has the potential to backfire spectacularly.
11. Pink ball evolution
While we’re doing backyard rules, I’ve always found a taped up tennis ball to be vastly superior to the Kookaburra, no matter what colour. Reverse swing a given with the right amount of electrical tape.
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