Satire
The third Test between India and Australia was played at Indore, which raised the prospect of an endless supply of Indore/indoor cricket wordplay, something to take Australians’ minds off their inevitable thrashing.
A lovely touch from the BCCI.
Alas, however, the Indore Test was not scheduled to be played with indoor cricket rules. A ghastly missed opportunity for everybody involved. I mean, what are we even doing, people?
Here’s the report card for the third Test.
Grade: B+
The first session on Day 1 saw wickets tumble to spin, as everybody expected. What was unexpected, however, was that they were Indian wickets, with Steve Smith cleverly losing the toss and allowing India to bat first.
Of course, the reason that Smith was captaining was because Pat Cummins had returned home. Cummins’ absence, and a healed finger, also allowed Mitchell Starc to return to the team.
Starc got immediately carried away, apparently not realising that it was a spinner’s pitch, and took the wicket of Rohit Sharma first ball caught behind, before also trapping him LBW later in that over.
Great bowling from Starc, who would therefore have been disappointed to see Rohit batting on well into the second over and beyond. The reason for this was that the umpires couldn’t be bothered giving the Indian captain out, and Smith couldn’t be bothered reviewing either of the shouts.
Can’t burn reviews if you never use them. That’s the Smith philosophy. Good captaincy.
Grade: B-
Shortly after lunch on the first day, Australia completed their mauling of the home side, dismissing them for 109., foolishly tearing through India’s batting lineup with sharp-turning deliveries that also occasionally kept low.
Silly stuff from Australia, who must surely have known they were doomed if they ever had to bat on the pitch. Why not instead let India bat for five days? Refuse to accept declarations. Take a draw.
And yet, in reply, after Travis Head fell early, Marnus Labuschagne did that thing he does where he’s the luckiest man in the universe, being recalled after dragging a Ravindra Jadeja delivery onto his stumps because the bowler overstepped.
Labuschagne and Usman Khawaja then put together a 96-run partnership, taking them to the brink of first-innings parity with India.
India, however, didn’t let up. Particularly Jadeja – the Marnus of India reviews – who enthusiastically convinced Rohit to send appeals upstairs three times, only to have them knocked back on each occasion.
As the old saying goes, fool me once, shame on Jadeja. Fool me twice, shame on Rohit. Fool me three times, shame on everybody involved in the entire DRS process. But, y’know, mostly Jadeja.
On the plus side for Jadeja, however, he did end the first day with more wickets than burnt reviews, finishing with all four of the Australian wickets to fall.
Grade: C
Australia began the second day trying desperately to stretch out their lead.
Cameron Green and Peter Handscomb slowly but sure-ish-ly inched their way to a 40-run partnership, as the commentators urged them to bat with greater intent and accelerate the scoring.
Why weren’t these Australian batters scoring faster by playing the more aggressive shots they were pilloried for playing in the previous Test? Sadly, we may never know.
Eventually, however, Handscomb was dismissed by Ravi Ashwin, caught in close. The introduction of India’s fastest spinner through the air, Umesh Yadav, finished off Green and the tail as Australia lost 6/11 to be all out for 197, a lead of 88 on the first innings.
Cheteshwar Pujara is bowled by Nathan Lyon. (Photo by Robert Cianflone/Getty Images)
Grade: B+
Batting a second time, India unluckily lost Shubman Gill, out trying to wipe out the first innings deficit in one shot.
He was the first wicket to fall to Nathan Lyon, but by no means the last, as Lyon toiled hard against the opposition to take the spectacular figures of 8/64 from 23.3 overs.
By ‘opposition’, I mostly mean, of course, umpire Joel Wilson, who continued his ongoing stance of never, ever giving Nathan Lyon an LBW. It was true in 2019 in Headingley and it was still true in this Test.
And fair enough, too. Senseless vendettas are the lifeblood of Test cricket.
(And don’t you dare try to come at me with stats that prove otherwise. Facts are meaningless. Vibes are everything.)
As India snuck their way into the lead via an outstanding innings from Cheteshwar Pujara, Australia strained desperately to limit their fourth innings run chase.
Again, they reverted to their tiresome tactic of stealth caught behind reviews via stumping appeals. A bit of fun once or twice, guys, yes, but now it’s just dull and shameless.
I say, give the batters a free hit every time a stumping appeal is turned down. That’ll put an end to it.
(Alternatively, the square leg umpire could just give the stumping appeal not out. Whatever works.)
Just as India’s lead threatened to stretch beyond Australia’s reach, however, Smith took a breathtaking leg slip catch, diving to his right to snare an edge from Pujara low to the ground.
Lots of talk before the match that the responsibility of the captaincy would bring out Smith’s best batting form. It felt notable, then, that he only scored 26 in the first innings, showing instead his support for Pat Cummins’ leadership.
But this catch, when he’d been a hopeless duffer in the cordon in the first two Tests, suggests that perhaps Smith is making a play for longer-term leadership.
Grade: D
Smith’s classic catch ensured Australia would only have to chase 76 on the third and final day.
Still, most mathematicians agree that 76 is among the very highest of numbers, and going into the day’s play it felt both insane and perfectly justified that the result of this Test was not yet completely certain.
This feeling intensified when Khawaja was out second ball of the day.
Head and Labuschagne, however, consolidated and guided Australia to a comfortable nine-wicket win.
Great to see that the Australian batters worked so hard in the last ten days on the moral failings that cost them their wickets in the first two Tests.
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