The first Ashes Test began with some magnificent trolling from Mitch Marsh, who, for reasons known only to himself, began marking his run-up shortly after Scott Boland had marked his and before there’d been any appearance from either Josh Hazlewood or Mitchell Starc.
Marsh’s efforts swiftly had everybody at the ground in a dither. Were both Hazlewood and Starc missing the first Test? Alas, no.
Hazlewood eventually showed up to mark his run-up and put an end to all the nonsense. Still, a magnificent start to a magnificent Test match.
Here’s the report card for the first men’s Ashes Test.
Grade: C-
The absence of Starc meant that he was incredibly unlikely to dismiss Rory Burns first ball of this series, as he did in the previous one. A chance made even slimmer by Burns’ ongoing non-selection in the England side. It’s on these ‘one-percenters’ that the entire Ashes might turn.
Instead of Burns, England continue to persevere with Zak Crawley. He crashed a four from Pat Cummins’ first ball, setting an entirely different tone for this series.
Or did it? Because as the session stretched out, the Australians’ game plan became clear. They would let Crawley – and the rest of the frenetic England batting line-up – thrash and smash like over-cordialed toddlers, wait for them to tucker themselves out and then pick up their wickets.
Heck, they wouldn’t even appeal for one of Crawley’s edges, so committed were they to letting him exhaust himself.
The plan had several England journalists (and Mark Taylor), overcome with the vapours at the sight of Australia having fielders in the deep, like this was the boring middle overs of an ODI.
‘Yes,’ the England press (and Tubby) sneered. ‘Australia have edged ahead of England in the first session, but at what cost? If the cowardly Cummins is going to position fielders to cut off England’s god-given right to hit boundaries, then why do we even play this game?’
Grade: F
After Australia restricted England to 393/8id (inexplicably declared) on the first day, early wickets to the inevitable Stuart Broad had Australia in trouble on day two, before Travis Head and Usman Khawaja rebuilt the Australian innings by the recommended method of smashing Moeen Ali for as many boundaries as possible.
Moeen didn’t flinch, though taking the wicket of Head, before beating Cameron Green in flight second ball for an easy stumping.
Or at least, it should have been an easy stumping. Instead, Jonny Bairstow’s clumsy, oafish mitts botched not just this chance but several others through the Test.
Having seen Bairstow bat brilliantly last year, I’m begrudgingly willing to accept the prospect of having to now take him seriously as a batter, as improbable as that feels. It’s a relief, then, that we still don’t have to take him seriously as a keeper.
Grade: C-
Australia began the third day with high hopes of taking a first innings lead. These hopes were emphatically lowered by a typically silly-buggers piece of captaincy from Ben Stokes, whose umbrella field brought Khawaja undone for a magnificent 141.
The wicket of Khawaja sent commentators Kevin Pietersen and Eoin Morgan into fits of delight. Not content with drinking the Bazball Kool-Aid, the pair were utterly bathing in it, pouring it over one another with giant jugs as they chortled and cheer-led for all their might as England took the last four wickets to fall for a mere fourteen runs.
Of course, there is nothing unusual about partisanship in a commentary box during an Ashes series. However, Pietersen losing his mind at England’s ‘brilliant’ plan to bring undone the batting powerhouse that is Scott Boland (Test batting average 4.50) was top tier stuff that would have sat proudly alongside the very best of the one-eyed Channel Nine stuff.
Nevertheless, the pair were delighted that England, despite declaring eight wickets down, still took a seven-run lead on the first innings.
Although, having said that, in a way, didn’t Australia declare eight down first by selecting three number elevens in their line-up? Makes you think.
Pat Cummins. (Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images)
Grade: C
After much of the third day’s play was rained out, the fourth day was extended. However, in another typically childish display, the extra time was added to the end of the day’s play, when it was 4am for Australian viewers back home, rather than the beginning of the day when it’s 7:30pm. Easily the most disgraceful act of the Ashes so far.
The crass disregard for our sleep from the ECB didn’t stop the impish Joe Root from attempting to reverse-scoop Cummins for six first ball. But nor did it stop him running down the pitch at Nathan Lyon and being stumped for 46.
Seeing Alex Carey glove the chance so effortlessly must have made for uncomfortable viewing for both the man with the raw-blistering fingers, Moeen Ali, and the man with the ball-resisting fingers, Bairstow (who demonstrated his commitment to the ‘balls bouncing off his gloves’ bit so thoroughly that he also allowed it to happen while batting and scurrying through for a quick single).
But the near-spoonerised awkwardness didn’t deter either of them from making a modest contribution to England’s innings. Indeed, despite no England batter really getting going, every single one of them contributed between ten and fifty runs (obvious exception: Crawley), as England scrambled their way to 273 all out, setting Australia 281 to win, a target reduced by 107 runs and three wickets as we headed into the final day.
Grade: A-
The final day began with rain, because, criminally, we continue to make the mistake of playing so many of these Ashes series in England.
Luckily, however, the rain cleared with only one session lost. The puddles on the ground were swiftly sorted out by whatever ‘drying agent’ Moeen Ali had been fined for illegally using earlier in the Test, and the match was allowed to proceed to its natural conclusion.
Which turned out to be a thrilling two wicket win to Australia, with the heroic Cummins guiding his side to a magnificent victory.
As wonderfully bonkers as we all found Broad’s comments about the previous Ashes being void, we should probably also admit that this Test was filled with more excitement than that entire series.
It’s fun when England don’t give up at the first sign of a challenge. They should do it more often.
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