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The Tour de France - a guide for significant others

The Tour went uphill for Stage 18. (AP Photo/Christophe Ena)
Roar Rookie
22nd July, 2016
1

For almost every Tour de France fan, there’s a Tour de France partner left in their wake. Here’s some handy hints for the partners and spouses whose loved ones have been consumed by the Tour.

The Tour de France has been rolling around again, and all around Australia there are thousands of cycling fans staying up late to watch the race, rolling into work bleary-eyed the following day and talking about little other than the biggest race in cycling.

And for a lot of the fans staying up late to watch the action, there’s a beleaguered partner or spouse wondering what all the fuss is about.

Having one partner on board during the Tour can create problems that can Lead Your Cycling-related Relationship Astray (LYCRA).

To prevent LYCRA from occurring and chafing at your relationship, we’ve come up with some solutions straight from the Institute for Saving Pedallers’ Relationships In No Time (SPRINT).

Problem (LYCRA): Continually staying up late turns your partner into a cycling-obsessed zombie.
Solution (SPRINT): When you notice your loved one start to fall asleep watching the Tour, get 20 people to come to your house dressed up like maniacs, ring a cowbell right next to their ear and shout ALLEZ! ALLEZ! ALLEZ!

Problem: The amount of time they’re spending on the couch has stopped them from doing any housework.
Solution: Announce that there’s an intermediate sprint point after they wash the dishes and vacuum the carpet. After they finish it, don’t give them anything – no one cares who wins the intermediate sprints anyway.

Problem: Your loved one suddenly won’t stop using French words like peloton, maillot jaune and lanterne rouge in everyday conversation.
Solution: Call their bluff and tell them “Vous avez le cervau d’un sandwich au fromage.” By the time they realise you’ve said they have the brain of a cheese sandwich, you’ll have already changed the channel to something actually featuring a cheese sandwich.

Problem: After so much time watching the pros, your partner is suddenly treating their Saturday morning group ride and coffee stop like it’s the most important stage of the Tour.
Solution: If they want to live like a pro, they have to have the downs as well as the ups. When they come home, interview them in three different languages for an hour, then make them pee into a cup.

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Problem: After a disagreement, they spend a lot of time on the internet talking about ‘changing to something new’, ‘finally being ridden’ and drooling everywhere.
Solution: Don’t worry, they’re just shopping for a new bike. Either that or you won’t have to face the same problems next year!

Got any other helpful advice for partners of Tour de France tragics? Be sure to leave them in the comments!