I was in a pub the other day, watching the cricket from India where some of the faithful were giving Ricky Ponting’s side such a forceful ear bashing, they probably heard it all the way in Mohali. Fast forward a few days and Kangaroos coach Ricky Stuart says: “You get a feeling that there are certain weak Australians out there who want to see us get beaten.”
It seems as though Australians love to bash their national teams.
Well, which teams are the most loved and the most loved to be hated?
To calculate the amount of love for the various national sides, I’ve devised a scientific method where I have combined the points scoring systems of Good News Week with that of Red Faces.
A number of criteria are used to evaluate the teams: strength of nickname, strength of team, strength of opposition, media coverage, uniform, trophy cabinet, historical achievements and X-Factor.
Each criterion is out of 10.
Part One of this exercise looks at some of the national sides on the second tier, which are those that compete at the Olympics:
Men’s Water Polo Side
Nickname: Sharks (3)
Strength of Side: Weak (1)
Strength of Opposition: Very strong (1)
Media Coverage: Every four years (2)
Uniform: Budgie Smugglers (6)
Trophy Cabinet: Two third placings at FINA events. Have only missed one Olympics since 1948. (8)
Historical Achievements: Are they to blame for the fate of the Fremantle Dockers or is that the other way around? (8)
X-Factor: How much cooler would it be if their nickname was the Minnows? (6)
Total: 35 points.
The Sharks don’t generate enough feelings either way because they are too small of a fish in the Water Polo pond and we only ever see them sandwiched between some cycling and some more replays of Australia winning gold in the pool.
Women’s Water Polo Side
Nickname: Stingers (2)
Strength of Side: Strong (9)
Strength of Opposition: Good (6)
Media Coverage: Every four years (2)
Uniform: Should be green and gold (1)
Trophy Cabinet: Olympic gold, World Championship gold, World Cup gold (10)
Historical Achievements: They protested in their playing gear to get Women’s Water Polo included in the Olympics (9)
X-Factor: Something like this happening (9)
Total: 48 points.
If they do nothing else, people are always going to have a soft spot for the Stingers after the way they won Olympic gold at Sydney. Courtesy of an Yvette Higgins thunderbolt, they defeated the Yanks in the last second, and while the Americans were still protesting, they were all celebrating in the water.
There is less competition for the women then there is for the men. But the Europeans are bridging that gap. Notwithstanding, we are never going to see them play if it’s not in the Olympics – that’s just the way it is, which is a shame.
Men’s Basketball Side
Nicknames: Boomers (Open), Crocs (U21), Emus (U19), Rollers (Wheelchair), Boomerangs (intellectual disability). (15)
Strength of Side: Fair (5)
Strength of Opposition: Strong (7)
Media Coverage: Every four years (3)
Uniform: Non factor (2)
Trophy Cabinet: Unfortunately they don’t hand out trophies or medals for fourth place (2)
Historical Achievements: 1997 U21 World Championship and 2003 U19 World Championship (5)
X-Factor: Eddie Palubinskas and Tony Ronaldson’s four point play against Croatia in 1996 (4 + 4)
Total: 47 points.
For a while, the Boomers were knocking on the door and maybe even got a foot in there, but ultimately they never crossed the threshold. Three fourth places in four Olympics from 1988-2000 are testament of that.
The team is reasonably loved and has some exceptional players, but its inability to get the job done and win anything sees it lose points.
For such a high profile team, it’s a shame we never see them between the Olympics and World Championships.
Women’s Basketball Side
Nickname: Opals (Mens), Sapphires (U21), Gems (U19), Gliders (Wheelchair), Pearls (intellectual disability). (15)
Strength of Side: Strong (7)
Strength of Opposition: Strong (6)
Media Coverage: Every four years (4)
Uniform: The famous bodysuits (8)
Trophy Cabinet: 2006 World Championship (9)
Historical Achievements: Lots of silver medals (5)
X-Factor: Lauren Jackson taking off Lisa Leslie’s hairpiece (6)
Total: 60 points
The Opals are competitive, have great uniforms and, as a high-profile female team, are important role models for girls. They just need to shatter that Olympic gold ceiling.
Women’s Hockey Side
Nickname: Hockeyroos (6)
Strength of Side: Strong (8)
Strength of Opposition: Strong (8)
Media Coverage: Mostly every four years, but some small coverage for the yearly Champions Trophy (6)
Uniform: Effective but sexy (7)
Trophy Cabinet: Three Olympic Golds, Six Champions Trophies, Two World Cups (15)
Historical Achievements: Have set a very high bar for themselves. (3)
X-Factor: Nikki Hudson (10)
Total: 63 points
Regardless of gender, in the late 90s they were the hottest team in Australian sport. They were Charlies-Worth Angels as they won basically everything there was to win, including back-to-back Olympic gold in 1996-2000. Recent times haven’t been as fruitful and they were unluckily edged out of the medal round in Beijing on goal difference. They will bounce back, but will they regain all the luster they had?
Softball Side
Nickname: Spirit (Open), Pride (Juniors) (7)
Strength of Side: Strong (8)
Strength of Opposition: USA (4)
Media Coverage: Every four years and they are about to lose that (-5)
Uniform: Nice combination of green and gold (7)
Trophy Cabinet: Won the first World Championship in 1965 but since then Olympic/World Championship silver and bronze (3)
Historical Achievements: Defeating the USA at the 1996 Olympics with a walk-off home run after earlier in the match a US player made the basic error of failing to step on home plate (9)
X-Factor: Any time they defeat the US (10)
Total: 36 points
Softball is being booted out of the Olympics and one of the reasons is that there isn’t enough competition for the Americans. In saying that, the Americans lost the gold medal match to Japan in Beijing. But I guess it was too little too late. The Australians seemed to be stronger when the sport had its Olympic debut in 1996, but since have lost touch with the Americans. The junior women are called the Pride. I’m leaving that one alone!
Tennis (Davis Cup/Hopman/Fed Cup) Side
Nickname: Nil (-5)
Strength of Side: Weak (2)
Strength of Opposition: Very Strong (15)
Media Coverage: Only when we’re winning (4)
Uniform: Nice combination of green and gold (7)
Trophy Cabinet: 28 Davis Cups, seven Fed Cups and one Hopman Cup (10)
Historical Achievements: Doing well all over the planet while playing in those marathon ties which went forever (8)
X-Factor: Pat Cash coming back from two sets to love down to defeat Mikael Pernfors in the 1986 final. Lleyton Hewitt doing same against Roger Federer in the 2003 semi final (9)
Total: 50 points
In the 50s and 60s, Australia had a mortgage on the Cup. Since then, things have run hot-cold, and we’re now in a particularly cold period. Success in the Davis Cup hinges greatly on the doubles,Spearheaded by Pat Rafter and, subsequently Lleyton Hewitt, Australia were a force to be reckoned with two wins and two runners-up from 1999-2003. Likewise, the Fed Cup team was once very strong either winning the title or finishing runner-up every year from 1963-1980. Australia won the Hopman Cup for the only time with a team of Mark Philippoussis and Jelena Dokic – that seems really strange now.
Swimming Side
Nickname: Dolphins (2)
Strength of Side: Strong (8)
Strength of Opposition: Very Strong (9)
Media Coverage: Strongest of the Olympic sports (10)
Uniform: Speedos and bodysuits (7)
Trophy Cabinet: Lots of medals (8)
Historical Achievements: Dawn, Thorpedo, John and Ilsa, Mean Machine, Boy Charlton (16)
X-Factor: Lucky Lane 6 (6.66)
Total: 66.66
Similar to tennis, Australia was a world power in the 50s and 60s. Only 8 eight countries won medals at the 1964 Olympics and this was also the case eight years later at Montreal in 1976. Compare this to the 21 countries which won medals in Beijing. There is a different feel to the swim team from the others – maybe that stems from the cultural and almost mythical significance of swimming in Australia. It also opens the Olympic program so a good performance here sets the tone for the rest of competition. Historically, the team has done reasonably well, but perhaps not as well as it could have. The sport is the highest profile of all the Olympic sports and is the darling of the media, which helps maintain the aura of the squad.
For those keeping score at home we have:
Swimming 66.66
Women’s Hockey 63
Women’s Basketball 60
Tennis 50
Women’s Water Polo 48
Men’s Basketball 47
Softball 36
Men’s Water Polo 35
Stay tuned for the second part, which contains all the big guns: Rugby League, Rugby Union, Football, Cricket and International Rules.
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