Forcing me to watch Oprah? Lance had better come clean

Dane Eldridge Columnist

By Dane Eldridge, Dane Eldridge is a Roar Expert

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    Lance Armstrong has been stripped of his Tour De France titles (AAP)

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    So Lance Armstrong has finally had a gutful of being a clam. Hoo-bloody-ray.

    The world’s most despised bloke on wheels has agreed to have his shell of silence prised open on international television by the confessional butter knife that is Oprah Winfrey, and the stinky decay that lies within promises to be eye-watering.

    Or at least it should be.

    Is there any way we can get a guarantee that this will actually be a confession?

    Any Dickie Wilkins-style entertainment gurus out there with a spoiler alert telling us Armstrong is actually going to fall on the needle and blurt the ugly truth?

    Can John Michael Howson’s flamboyant LA sleuthing for red carpet clangers extend to locating whether this brazen story of lies and Lycra ultimately ends in admittance?

    It’s the least that the duped and disenchanted human race deserves after buying into all of these years of artificial glory and heroism.

    I know that before I spend the coming days camped out next to my remote to ensure dibs on the plasma I’ll be seeking assurance that this nugget of highly anticipated television isn’t an hour of Armstrong regurgitating his delicately worded statements while Winfrey beats him with a feather duster.

    Really, who wants to waste the coveted nighttime window of idiot box platinum watching rehearsed fraudulent pap? Who wants to subject themselves to another rendition of Armstrong’s recycled defence in the face of an Everest of evidence? Who really wants to have to watch the Oprah Winfrey Show?

    I’m sure you see my point.

    Seriously though, if he is fair dinkum about putting an end to looking like one of history’s greatest douchebags, does he really have any other option but to slump on that famous celebrity arse-grooved couch, reveal all to Oprah like she’s a sister from another mister and then sweetly cop the well-deserved double-barrelled backlash?

    Armstrong has done plenty of shortsighted and spiteful things up to now, but even he can surely see that the writing on the wall now says it’s time to cut his losses with the plan to devote long-term to his porkies.

    The fibs are so backed-up that they have formed an orderly queue. If his BS pedalling was a bike, the rubber would’ve disintegrated down to the rims by now and there would be sparks flying everywhere.

    Shouldn’t he just take out the puncture repair kit and get to patching-up whatever remains of the tyres of life?

    If he doesn’t want to glue the dark holes of deceit for the good of himself, or in an attempt to prevent further bicycle analogies that are painfully lone, then at least do it for the long-suffering public.

    What we’ve had to endure thus far has required the stamina levels of a blood-replaced hill-climber.

    Persisting through the superfluous usage of the words ‘alleged’ and ‘accused.’

    Being force-fed statements with finely omitted truths.

    Pyrenees-sized mountains of confessions from steroid-topped bikers.

    Comprehension of the fact that saints with charities aren’t immune from being rottenly evil dudes.

    And now possibly being made to watch a television programme that should only be viewed by the unemployed or those chucking sickies.

    It has gone on too long, and now is the prime chance for Armstrong to make it stop by taking his medicine.

    Metaphorically though, Lance. Not through the thigh.

    The winds of gossip are whispering that he is looking to have his image cleansed by owning up to the doping so he can eventually save face by partaking in triathlon once this all blows over.

    It’s a bizarre and downright self-centred motivation to finally surface from an underground shelter of atrocious jive talking, but at least the public will get some closure.

    The days of cryptic dinner speeches and Tweets has come and gone long ago. It’s time for Armstrong to stop thinking of himself and spare a thought for those swimming in his bulldust.

    Oprah awaits.

    I wonder if she will remember to check what ‘gifts’ Armstrong leaves under the seats for the studio audience?

    Dane Eldridge
    Dane Eldridge

    Dane was named best and fairest in the 2004 Bathurst mixed indoor cricket competition. With nothing in the game left to achieve, he immediately retired at his peak to a reclusive life ensconced in the velvet of organised contests. Catch the man on Twitter @eld2_0.

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    The Crowd Says (5)

    • January 12th 2013 @ 1:19pm
      SkinnyKid said | January 12th 2013 @ 1:19pm | ! Report

      Lance has become a parody of himself…

      Oprah …. Are you kidding me.

      All you can do is laugh

    • Columnist

      January 12th 2013 @ 3:26pm
      Lee Rodgers said | January 12th 2013 @ 3:26pm | ! Report

      Well in a way it has already ‘worked’ – no matter what he actually says in the interview – as the 60 Minutes programme that aired on Wednesday, in which Travis Tygart recalled how LA had offered a ‘donation; of US$150,000 to USADA. It was reported on the cycling sites but the hullabaloo created by this Winfrey business took a massive chunk of the sting out of that one for LA.

      He’ll make a great politician, if he goes that way – and let’s face it, all he has to do is convince a majority of Texans that he has the credentials and then the ball will be rolling. Politics 101, this move, creating a sideshow to deflect potentially damaging news.

      He used the media to manipulate and cheat his way to fame and fortune for so many years – why stop now?

      • Roar Guru

        January 14th 2013 @ 7:10pm
        Mat Coch said | January 14th 2013 @ 7:10pm | ! Report

        Divide an conquer.

        We will watch because we are curious. Because we want him to come clean. Because we want to see his reaction.

        It will divide us. Some will loathe him all the more. Others will forgive and try to forget. The net effect is he reduces those against.

        Armstrong should be answering questions having sworn on the bible, such is the way things are done in the US. To respond to claims as television entertainment shows is disregard for authority and lack of respect for the sport he all but destroyed.

    • January 15th 2013 @ 4:09pm
      sittingbison said | January 15th 2013 @ 4:09pm | ! Report

      and now the joke is Lance throwing his grubby handlers and corrupt associates under the bus, Weisel, Hein, Pat et al. But magnanimously spares team mates such as Bertie, or his chum Hog. And paying back $1m of the $30m USPS filthy lucre in a desperate attempt to avoid qui tam.

      This is high farce and there is no way USADA should agree to reduce his sanction in the slightest. Thwart the bugga

    • January 16th 2013 @ 8:35pm
      Dadiggle said | January 16th 2013 @ 8:35pm | ! Report

      Ugm Ugm

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